Norwegian Breakaway Ship Review

I should introduce myself. “H” here. I’m Prof. Cruise’s teaching/travel assistant and, sadly, have inherited many of her genetic quirks due to sharing half her DNA. Thankfully I get my good looks and advanced vocabulary from dad. At the time of my first sailing on the Breakaway – I’ve since graced her with my presence again – I was three. Although my mother swears I’m her reincarnated 13 year old self. This was my 5th cruise – first on NCL. Joining me on this swanky big boat were Prof. Cruise/mom and dad. Here’s Prof. Cruise:

Please excuse the sunglasses. She lost hers in a giant pile of seaweed and, instead of taking advantage of the cheap and plentiful sunglasses available on literally every corner of the Bahamas, she stole mine. Because a) she’s cheap and b) she has no pride. Here’s dad:

He was pretending to be a sea monster. I wasn’t scared, but mom jumped head first into a giant pile of seaweed, emerging as a much more terrifying green, slimy creature (and trying to convince us that that, not fear, was her original motivation) but without her sunglasses.

Dad’s always telling Prof. Cruise and I to “act like you’ve been there before.” Well it’s hard to act like you’ve been there before when you see cinnamon rolls that look like this:

That’s me, by the way.

And when, instead of wondering if you’re trapped in one of those “Extreme Spring Break” videos they used to sell on MTV in the ‘90’s (that would have been my spring break cruise on the Carnival Sensation – I’m still washing barf out of my hair), you find yourself on a ship where your fellow passengers are sipping fine wine and wondering in French (it was spring break in Montreal) if “that dumb American voted Trump.” For the record, I voted for Batman. So you can’t blame me or thank me.

A few do’s and don’ts before we get into the nitty gritty. Do’s: chime in, introduce yourself, ask questions, and enthusiastically agree with everything I say in the comments section, laugh at all my jokes, take me on your next cruise, and ask if Prof. Cruise is single (she’s not – but she likes to be asked). Don’ts: be a meanie.

So, let’s begin…

Embarkation: It’s up to you New York, New York

If I ranked embarkation ports from “I’d rather go back to work than stand in this line for one more second” to “under an hour from the time I arrived at port to posting a Facebook photo of myself with a drink of the day in hand,” New York would land somewhere slightly behind Baltimore and Seattle, but well ahead of Fort Lauderdale, Miami, and Port Canaveral.

Our taxi dropped us off around 10am. We gave the porters our bags (One felt extra light – turns out dad left half his clothes in the hotel closet. If you see someone walking around in a “Johnson Family Reunion” t-shirt who is clearly not a “Johnson,” you should ask for that back for dad) and got in line. We waited for about 10 minutes before we started moving. Once we did, we were checked in and seated in under 20 minutes.

I spent the next half hour trying to get people to smile and wave at me as they passed by the window on their way off the ship. As it happens, people aren’t receptive to that kind of enthusiasm after having just turned back on their work phone and hearing “you have 659 new messages.” I’d understand that feeling in a week and, after being dragged kicking and screaming off the boat by security, would glare at the people waiting behind that same window. But for now, I was EXCITED!

Once they announced general boarding at noon, we were the 3rd group called and on the ship with a Bushwacker (If this were a Carnival cruise, I’d make a joke about that. But since NCL cruisers are a more uptight, I mean sophisticated, audience, I’ll just clarify that a Bushwacker is a delicious frozen chocolaty cocktail) in hand by 12:15am.

I figured I should class it up a bit and try to fit in, so I chugged by drink and joined my French Canadian friends for a game of chess (I blamed the language barrier for all my illegal moves) before Muster.

Muster and Pirates

Muster drill is one of those “this sucks, but it’s for your own good” situations that, no matter how many treats you promise to give me later if I just keep quiet, I’m still going to bring out my best “3” for. At least, unlike on Carnival, I wasn’t soaked in brine and packaged to eventually end up on someone’s pizza.

On the Breakaway the muster drill was held indoors and we were able to sit down in relative comfort (we were assigned to the Manhattan dining room). Dad put on an episode of “Jake and the Neverland Pirates” (questionable choice as we learn about safety at sea, but whatever) oh his phone and we all survived. At least until dad had a heart attack upon receiving notification of $200 in cell roaming charges (seriously, be careful of this!). Prof. Cruise was like, “For a half hour of peace? Totally worth it!”

Muster ended and we hit an upper deck for sail away. Bye New York (and dad’s clothes)!

Room Without a View

Because the price of NCL was more than what we were accustomed to on Carnival, we (I should say Prof. Cruise – if I held the purse strings we’d be in a Haven suite) opted for an inside aft cabin.

Cabin’s on NCL are a bit smaller than Carnival with far less storage, but the size and layout of our room worked just fine. We had all the essentials:

I was still sleeping in a crib at home (if Prof. Cruise has her way, I’ll be in that thing until I move out) so Prof. Cruise requested a pack n play for me from our room steward (more about her in a second). It was set up next to Prof. Cruise and dad’s bed with our usual shower curtain “room divider” (shower curtain attaches to the ceiling with magnetic hooks).

Our room also came equipped with an awesome fort!

Carol was our room steward. She never learned our names (like we’re used to on Carnival) but was extremely nice and thorough. Because we ate dinner between 5 and 5:30pm each night and then headed back to our room so Prof. Cruise and dad could get to bed (because they’re, like, 85 years old), she was rarely able to complete the nighttime service. One night she got an early start and we arrived home to this:

And another night she was kind enough to come in and make this in front of me:

A Free Cruise for my Thoughts?

I’m getting to the age where people are starting to ask me what I want to be when I grow up. Easy: professional cruise reviewer! Or Batman, because it’s always good to have a backup plan.

This section will include a few general thoughts on the ship and some photos from those places I don’t plan on covering in detail later in the review.

Although Prof. Cruise lives the life of an elderly hermit (no offense to elderly hermits), her preferred style is contemporary. Me? What do I care? Is there ice cream and cheese? Anyway, Prof. Cruise loved the modern/clean/contemporary style of the ship. Although some areas were starting to show a bit of wear and tear (fading fabric, stains, etc.) and it’s more obvious when your eyes aren’t being blinded by neon lights (no offense to the Carnival Sensation) or naked statues (no offense to the Carnival Conquest), or actual naked people (again, no offense to the Carnival Sensation).

The thing Prof. Cruise loved most about the ship was The Waterfront on deck 8. The Waterfront includes outdoor seating for several of the specialty restaurants on one side (I can’t remember which side, but it’s either port or starboard if that helps) and comfy chairs and couches (a welcome spot for someone with an inside cabin to escape to with a good book – my current favorite is “Tugga Tugga Tugboat”) and outdoor bars on the other side.

The Waterfront

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One other thing we really loved about the Breakaway: it’s easy to navigate. Meaning Prof. Cruise only got lost about a dozen times. While the ship is large (with something like 16 floors), it’s laid out very well and is easy to get around (with one exception – stay tuned).

Also, the fish on the carpet swim toward the front of the ship, so you can always tell which direction you’re going (I guess there’s a similar trick on Carnival ships, but Prof. Cruise has never been able to figure it out. They should hire her to idiot test new ship designs).

To be continued. I have to pee. And after I do, I’ll yell loudly (as some of you on the Breakaway with us might recall), “I PEED ON THE POTTY!,” at which point I expect you to dance.

Adult Entertainment

I PEED ON THE POTTY! Why aren’t you dancing? While you Google how to properly perform the pee dance, I’ll cover my second favorite form of entertainment (second to watching adults humiliate themselves in the name of toddler contentment): SLOTS. For me, the great mystery of life is why an area full of flashing lights and colorful, fun games is off limits to children. My Gigi can’t wait until I’m legal so I can hunt down the cocktail server to refill her wine when she, and I quote, “can’t leave my spot because I’m about to hit a bonus.”

Anyway, we didn’t use the casino at all, even daddy — except to take a photo of me for my Gigi and to freak out security and the responsible parents on board. The fact that daddy didn’t gamble actually bodes quite well for the ship – the man had floor seats to the Cavs’ (whom he’s obsessed with) home opener the year they won the championship and “found himself a little bored.” The Breakaway actually kept him entertained, which makes Prof. Cruise want to get one for the living room.

A Symbol of Freedom and Democracy

As we passed by the Statue of Liberty during sail away, hoards of people were snapping photos of this iconic chandelier and stairway.

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Temporarily Closed

The crew must have been worried about a possible lawsuit (How do you think we can afford to cruise NCL all of a sudden? Slip and fall settlement.) due to the combination of Prof. Cruise’s lack of coordination and her taking full advantage of the UBP or perhaps someone observed her at the buffet and feared she’d exceed the weight limit, because every time she went to use the ropes course it was closed due to “weather conditions.” Our advice, if you want to use the ropes course, go light on the sauce or don’t wait until the final sea days because chances are very high it will be closed do to wind or rough seas.

We also struck out (wait, wrong sport) with the mini golf course. It was also closed due to wind. That’s okay, you can catch me in the PGA tour.

Prof. Cruise thought the slides looked fun, but I refused to carry her up all those stairs.

I’ll get back to some additional ship activities later, but next up: FOOD!

Freestyle Not Free Style

Prof. Cruise was shocked to discover so many pay restaurants (she has a moral objection to paying extra for food on a cruise) when the dining was advertised as “free style.” No, that’s “freestyle,” Prof. Cruise. As we discovered, freestyle just means you don’t have a set time and location for dinner each evening. You can make a reservation (or show up) at any time the restaurant you’d like to eat at is open, just like a land-based restaurant.

I’m going to start by reviewing the Manhattan Room (1 of 3 main dining rooms) since that’s where we ate dinner 5 out of 7 nights. I will also be reviewing Taste/Savor (the other two main dining rooms), O’ Sheehan’s (free), Shanghai’s noodle bar (free), Uptown Grill (free), Garden Café (free), Bavarian Buffet at Moderno (free), Ocean Blue (pay), Carlo’s Bakery (pay). I’ll also provide menus for Le Bistro and Teppanyaki and a photo of La Cucina (for those of you who are morally objectionable or who received the free specialty dining promotion).

The Manhattan Room

The thing we liked most about the Manhattan room was that it always opened at either 5pm or 5:30pm (5 on sea days, 5:30 on port days). We got in line around 4:55/5:25 with 3 or 4 elderly people, ordered the senior special, complained that the rolls were too chewy, and threw down a generous quarter for the tip.

Seriously though, my bedtime at home is 6:30pm, so if we don’t start dinner until 6pm (like on Carnival), I don’t get to bed until 8:30pm and I’m a wreck (who, me?) through dinner. So, 5/5:30 worked out great for us. Plus, it was never crowded (shocker) at that time (by the time we left there was a long line of people waiting to be seated). They always filled the tables by the windows first, so if you want a guaranteed dinner with a view, get in line at 4:45/5:15.

The other thing we liked about dining in the Manhattan Room?

No risk of having to socialize with strangers. All tables are private, so if you like meeting people and socializing over dinner, you might find yourself shouting across the room to that adorable, smart, hilarious yet sophisticated young man (who, me?). Prof Cruise is a little unpredictable, especially with the UBP, so for us, a private table was preferred (although we have always requested and received a private table on Carnival so we can’t really give the edge to NCL here).

If you’re interested in learning more about how to request a private table across multiple lines, Prof. Cruise has a whole blog post about it here.

The Food in the Manhattan Room

First off, the vegetarian selections (Prof. Cruise and I are vegetarians – don’t hold it against us), although limited, were clearly labeled. This is an improvement over Carnival. Carnival doesn’t label vegetarian items in the main dining room (except for the Indian Vegetarian and the obvious nightly vegetarian entrée) which is a problem when it comes to apps and soups (especially those that sound vegetarian, but are actually made with chicken or beef stock).

Dad’s picky, but was able to find a few staples he liked and Prof. Cruise and I liked everything. Dad thinks the desserts are better on Carnival, but they were still pretty good. As far as I’m concerned a good dessert is any dessert.

300 Pounds Worth of Manhattan Room Food Porn

I’m going to keep comments on individual food items to a minimum unless there was something particularly noteworthy about them.

Feast your eyes (and hopefully your bellies very, very soon) on this:

Day 1

Vegetable Lasagna

Steak Frites

That blob next to dad’s fries is the butter that started out on his steak. It was excellent.

Sacher Torte

English Cherry Trifle

Fruit Tartlet

Coconut Souffle (a favorite!)

Warm Chocolate Lava Cake (always on the menu)

Chocolate Ice Cream

Some things never change, like Prof. Cruise’s clothes (seriously, she packs the exact same outfits for every cruise) and my love of CHEESE.

Assorted Cheeses

Yes, all those desserts were from day 1. Don’t judge.

Day 2

Beef Burger Slider

Cream of Endive Soup

Slow-Braised Beef Short Ribs Perigourdine

Vegetable Stir-Fry

Milk Chocolate Mousse

Blueberry Cheesecake

Warm Banana Souffle (so good!)

Dark Sweet Cherry Clafoutis

Hawaiian Pineapple

That was actually an appetizer, NOT a dessert. And not just because I’m fundamentally opposed to fruit as dessert – it was actually on the menu as an appetizer.

Day 3

Escargot En Vol-au-vent

Caesar Salad

Heirloom Tomato Carpaccio

Maui Red Onion Soup

Herb Crusted Rotisserie Chicken

Roasted Stuffed Tomatoes

Pecan Pie

The pecan pie was different, and not in a good way – much like Prof. Cruise.

Coconut Thingy

Picture Prof. Cruise ordering “the coconut thingy” surrounded by people speaking French.

Caramel Thingy

“Um, yeah, I think I’ll have one of those caramel thingies too.”

Vanilla Ice Cream

“Glace à la vanilla, S’il vous plaît.”

Day 4

Mixed Greens with Hass Avocado Salad

Prof. Cruise is always resistant to salad, but she loved this one!

Involtini Di Melanzane (or eggplant thingy to Prof. Cruise)

Pistachio creme brûlée

Prof. Cruise wished she would have ordered two of these. The first one was weird, but she’s pretty sure she would have liked the second one.

Day 5

Porcini and Forest Mushroom Timbale

Prof. Cruise had no idea what this was, but she LOVED it.

Cream of Asparagus Soup (with a side of Crayola)

Belgian Endive and Fennel Salad

Vegetable Pad Thai

Penne Alfredo

Cheese Pizza (délicieux)

Strawberry Neapolitan

Hard to eat. Sugar get in my mouth!

Mystery Dessert

Prize for anyone who knows what this is (enter in the comments section). Saved the best for last:

Apricot Rice Pudding

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Manhattan Room Entertainment

Live entertainment in the Manhattan Room included either a band or the “Burn the Floor” dancers. Classy. Here’s the band:

The French Canadians shot me some nasty glares when I started swinging my napkin and Gangnam style dancing like I’ve always done on Carnival. I was like, “hey, sexy lady, this is what you’re supposed to do during show time.” Not on NCL, as it turns out…oops.

Manhattan Room for Improvement

Service was pretty slow. Except for the night Prof. Cruise banished us to the buffet and dined by herself (So let me get this straight, when I’m looking forward to a leisurely dinner without my loud, grabby toddler you speed up the service and when there’s a 3 year old trying to grind pepper into his saint of a mother’s purse, you slow things down!?!?). Prof. Cruise wrote that last part.

Service wasn’t very friendly. On Carnival we’re used to our servers calling us by name and chit chatting, lots of high fives and fist bumps, napkin animals if we’re really lucky, and extra portions of the foods we like. The service on NCL certainly was never rude, but it was sort of flat. Not a huge deal to us, but worth noting for those who care about such things.

Only one vegetarian entrée each night. On Carnival there’s a different vegetarian item each night and the Indian vegetarian which is on the menu every night. Although Prof. Cruise isn’t picky at all and always liked the one veggie option, having two options is nice.

Savor and Taste

When I hear “Savor” and “Taste,” I think of the “hip” new foodie restaurants popping up all over where you have to sit on a tree branch at a long table full of strangers, drinking infused water served out of mason jars that, let’s face it, looks like pee, eating a tiny pile of something plated with a three dots of sauce and a few sprigs of micro greens. Can I just get some perogies and a giant sandwich topped with French fries and coleslaw?

Anyway, Savor and Taste are the other two main dining rooms and are open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They’re like the Olson twins – one wears her giant sunglasses in black and the other in tortoise shell, but they’re basically identical (with slightly different hours). They’re located across the hall from each other with a bar in between (so Prof. Cruise never made it to either one of them).

Savor

One of my favorite parts of our cruise was eating breakfast at Savor each day – even though I was skeptical at first. At home Prof. Cruise makes me eat “gooies” (that’s just a fancy word for oatmeal with a bunch of gross healthy stuff in it) every day, so you can imagine my disappointment when I saw “oatmeal” on the menu. But I ordered mom a greyhound (or 2 or 6…just keep ‘em comin) and ended up with, like, chocolate pancakes with a side of waffles.

Seriously though, there was never a wait and we had a nice relaxing and delicious breakfast each morning. “H” approved!

Here’s the breakfast menu. There were some rotating specials, but otherwise it stayed the same every day.

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Savor Breakfast Pics

Each morning we started with coffee:

A morning cocktail or Irish Coffee:

And a basket of baked goods:

Then some combination of this:

Eggs Benedict with Country Potatoes

Biscuits and Gravy

Chocolate Buttermilk Pancakes

Fresh Peaches and Blueberries

Eggs to Order with Country Potatoes

Grilled Tomato

Prof. Cruise posted this photo to her myfitnesspal page so her healthy friends would think she was keeping it together. Then she wrapped it in her napkin and devoured three servings of vanilla pound cake french toast.

Yogurt Parfait and Gooies (AKA Oatmeal)

Omelette to order with Hash Brown Potatoes

Golden Belgian Waffle

And the best for last…

Vanilla Pound Cake French Toast

Try breakfast at Savor, you’ll like it.

Taste

I have a season pass to the zoo, so the buffet was never a priority for us. We wanted to try some alternative places for lunch, so we tried Taste. The menu doesn’t change and there wasn’t really anything on there that appealed to my sophisticated palate (why would you ruin hummus by pairing it with tomatoes?) and only one vegetarian entree for Prof. Cruise, but it was okay and, as usual, there wasn’t a wait.

Here’s the menu:

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Hummus & Peperonata

Roasted Tomato Soup

Spinach Caesar

Grilled Cajun Grouper Sandwich

Spanish Frittata

Shrimp Arrabiata

A Little Bit Irish

St. Paddy’s Day has always been my favorite holiday – there’s Irish blood flowing through these veins. Plus I get to do four of my favorite things: dress inappropriately for the weather, pinch, drink green jello out of tiny cups, and yell loudly while nearly running into traffic (at least that’s how we celebrate in Seattle).

So, in honor of St. Patty’s Day coming up soon, it feels appropriate to review O’Sheehan’s. O’Sheehan’s has two sides: the Irish pub/restaurant side and the bar side. While I was at the bar shooting some pool (the bar side has a pool table, darts, video games, and a few small bowling lanes)…

…Prof. Cruise was at the pub/restaurant ordering a veggie burger and a fruity drink (My Irish blood? Dad’s side). Sigh.

I wore a disguise (so no one would see me with Prof. Cruise) and we hit up the restaurant for lunch on one of the sea days. It gets crowded at peak times and we had to wait 15 minutes or so for a table. Once seated, the service was really slow and there weren’t any vegetarian entrees on the menu for Prof. Cruise and I (they did have a veggie burger, but it wasn’t on the menu), but otherwise it was fun (pub type atmosphere with TV’s) and the food was great. Here was the menu:

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I interrupt this review for an important public service announcement regarding St. Patrick’s Day, it’s all fun and games until you wake up the next morning (on the roof) feeling like this:

Here’s some good sobering up food for you from O’Sheehan’s:

Spinach and Artichoke Dip

Wings

Fish and Chips

My favorite cure for a hangover? Chinese food. Which brings us to the:

Shanghai Noodle Bar

Mom had a 3 week trip to China planned, so she was eager to get some practice using chopsticks (if you can’t say anything nice, you shut your mouth and smuggle in a set of silverware from the buffet) and speaking Chinese (which, as it happens, sounds a lot like French) at the Shanghai Noodle Bar. This is a free restaurant open for dinner only. Because reservations aren’t accepted and the space is small and always crowded, we got in line at 5:10pm, which was 20 minutes before it opened.

We snagged a seat right up front so we could watch the chefs cooking, which is great for keeping a restless Prof. Cruise from using her chopsticks as swords.

Here’s the menu:

And here’s what we ordered:

Pork Pot Stickers

Vegetable Spring Rolls

Char Siu with Rice Noodles

Singapore Noodles

Vegetarian Fried Rice

Panda Salad

Five Spice Chocolate Cake

If you’re looking for an authentic Chinese experience, this probably isn’t the place. But really, when the walk from Ireland to China is less than 5 minutes, what do you expect? Still though, there wasn’t a legit fork to be found and this was a great alternative to the main dining rooms. Très bon (that’s “very good” in Chinese)!

Uptown Grill

Uptown Grill, not to be confused with Uptown Funk (I’ll get to that later with Prof. Cruise’s review of the gym) is located above the Garden Café (buffet) and is open for breakfast and lunch.

At breakfast they have a small buffet with eggs, breakfast meats, potatoes, a variety of breakfast sandwiches, and the now world famous (H endorsed) cinnamon rolls. They come in chocolate, vanilla or lemon.

So, Uptown Grill at lunch. That brings me to a real low-point in our trip. It seems that dad does something on every cruise to try to get himself arrested (yes, traveling with Prof. Cruise is that bad). This time it was a dine and dash. Didn’t think that was possible at a free restaurant, did you?

We were eating at the buffet one day for lunch when dad ventured off to get more food, leaving me to wrangle Prof. Cruise on my own. Twenty minutes later we see him, with a burger in hand, leap down a flight of stairs in a single bound and hurdle over 16 tables to where we were sitting. “HIDE ME!,” he said. Dude’s 6’4” and I was 3, but with some strategically placed mac n cheese, he managed to elude security.

Seems dad didn’t realize that Uptown Grill is a traditional, sit-down restaurant at lunch where you order at a table and eat like a civilized person. But the minute his server turned her back, he was off – way more afraid of my reaction at being left to handle Prof. Cruise on my own for 20 minutes than jail. So here’s what a hot hamburger from Uptown Grill looks like:

Uptown Grill was never crowded and the food is totally worth a few days in the brig.

Garden Café

When I think, “Garden Café,” I picture a quaint, peaceful outdoor patio with a few round tables, under the shade of nearby trees, surrounded by potted flowers, where you sit with close friends, drink espresso, and agree to disagree on which version of Sesame Street is the best – the old PBS or the new HBO one (the old, hour long PBS version, hands down).

Instead, I wondered if President Trump was about to make an appearance. Except that people were battling over a rare available table – likely still piled high with plates of uneaten salad – because we all start out with a salad we never intend to actually eat – instead of how to make America great again (free cruises out of Seattle would help – just sayin).

That’s all to say that at peak times the buffet was very, very crowded and chaotic. On the plus side, the food was generally very good – much better than Carnival, although Prof. Cruise has never met a buffet she hasn’t liked. We particularly enjoyed the Indian food (the head chef on the Breakaway was East Indian), which was available at lunch and dinner and the made-or-order crepes available at dinner. And, of course, plentiful mac n cheese and ice cream. If you’re going to hit the buffet, go during off times or expect to see yourself on YouTube the next day punching out a French Canadian who innocently misunderstood what you meant by “table’s taken.”

The Asian Station (Prof. Cruise’s favorite)

Strawberry Nutella Crepe with Creme

Tres Leches Cake (Prof. Cruise’s favorite dessert at the buffet)

Carb addict? Guilty as charged.

One more pick of the mac n cheese. Because you can never have too much mac n cheese Even if it means you can’t poop for the next two weeks. Hypothetically.

Ultimate Beverage Package (UBP)

I selected the UBP as one of two promotional packages because I knew traveling with Prof. Cruise would require extra patience and booze. Lots of booze.

For a full review of the UBP, go here. But here’s a little something to wet your palate:

Let Her Eat CAKE!

Prof. Cruise was a bloodhound in a former life. Even now she can sniff out sugary baked goods from miles away (and we occasionally have to scold her for chewing up shoes). On our last sea day she picked up the scent of cake and followed it to the Cake Masters Contest in the atrium. Even though the contest was over, she felt entitled (you’d think she were a millennial if it weren’t for her gray hair, crater sized wrinkles, and lack of student loan debt) to a piece of the free black forest cake they were passing out, so she got in line.

Prof. Cruise snaked around the atrium for 10 minutes, occasionally stopping to sniff her butt, and when she finally got to the front of the line she did her best “sit,” closed her eyes, opened her mouth wide and…waited. And waited. And waited. Finally she slowly and tentatively cracked open one of her eyes to peak and, upon seeing an empty cake pan being carted away, let out a loud yelp (jeez, you’d think someone had stepped on her tail). Then she pressed her snout to the floor to devour a few remaining squished cherries and crumbs.

Before Prof. Cruise could even log onto Cruise Critic to complain about the “great cake famine,” she picked up the scent of black forest cake again along with something delightfully savory.

Let me pause for a moment to provide you with some additional background information to help you understand the rest of the story. This trip with the French Canadians was hardly the first time Prof. Cruise had tarnished the reputation of Americans. One occurrence took place 20 years ago at a quaint little family restaurant in Germany when she tried Spätzle with cheese and onions for the first time. Six orders later (not an exaggeration) and the stereotype of Americans as over-consumptive and fat was born.

Now, fast-forward 20 years to the Breakaway. That delightfully savory scent was this:

So Prof. Cruise eagerly followed her nose to the Bavarian Food and Beer Fest at the Moderno (which, in the evenings, is a Brazilian pay restaurant) where a buffet of German food and desserts was available free of charge.

Prof. Cruise loaded up her plate with Spätzle, but instead of going back for 5 more helpings, she didn’t eat a single bite. Why? Those brown bits that Prof. Cruise assumed were onions… BACON (yelp). Instead of bacon police, like on Carnival, it seems NCL has the opposite problem. At least Prof. Cruise finally had some black forest cake to comfort her.

In any case, if you’re not a vegetarian, definitely try the Bavarian Food and Beer Fest for lunch. It was a nice change and a fun way to experience Moderno without having to pay (yeah, Prof. Cruise’s responsible for the “stingy” stereotype too). And if you’re a vegetarian? Eat lunch somewhere else first and then go for the CAKE! And while we’re on the topic of cake…

Carlos Cake Shop

As I’ve mentioned, Prof. Cruise finds it morally objectionable to pay extra for food on a cruise, so she tried to forbade me from reviewing any pay options. But, as usual, I screamed and kicked and threatened to start using “grown up words I learned from you!” at school and eventually got my way.

So, with that, let’s move on to NCL’s pay/specialty options, beginning with more cake at Carlo’s Bake Shop. Even Prof. Cruise is not totally opposed to paying a little extra for a premium item on a cruise (like the $2.25 you pay on Carnival for a giant slice of delicious carrot cake that would cost $7 on land and that is far and above better than the included desserts). But to pay retail for a food item on top of what she’s already paid for food as part of her cruise fare? Not her thing.

I, on the other hand, had no problem forking over $7 for a single serve cheesecake (before Prof. Cruise checked her account balance and cut off my charging privileges). But even I admit that I wouldn’t do it again. I appreciated “real” cheesecake and it was pretty good – but very small and not worth the cost.

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Here’s the menu:

Do you want to hear about a truly unfortunate clothing choice? While dad’s dress clothes were enjoying the free continental breakfast at the Milburn Hotel, he was on the phone with reservations confirming that there wasn’t a dress code at Ocean Blue. There wasn’t. Still though, when everyone in the place is celebrating something and dressed to the nines and you walk in by yourself in a clean (dad wanted me to make sure you knew it was clean) undershirt and track pants that are 5 inches too short, don’t complain when they sit you at a card table in the galley.

Ocean Blue

So…Ocean Blue. Prices are a la carte. Here’s the menu:

Here’s what dad ordered:

Bread

Calamari

Florida Stone Crab Claws

Lightly Roasted Sea Scallops

Tomato, Onion, and Blue Cheese

Charred Broccoli with Red Chili and Olive Oil

Asparagus with Hollandiase

Banana Split (around $5)

Dad thought the food was good. He especially liked the broccoli, the stone crab claws, and the banana split. All together the meal cost about $50 and, although it was interesting to see how a ship galley operates, dad doesn’t think he’d dine at Ocean Blue again. It just didn’t seem worth the extra cost – it was fun to try once though.

To conclude the food portion of the review, I’m going to provide some photos and the menus for the specialty/pay restaurants I didn’t get to try, because apparently a library card isn’t a valid form of payment on the Breakaway. Don’t bring your Children’s Museum membership as backup – that didn’t work either.

Sorry, some of this isn’t super clear. And keep in mind that menus and prices change frequently.

Cagney’s Steakhouse

Chef’s Table

Moderno

Teppanyaki

Le Bistro

La Cucina

That’s all, folks. Next up, ship activities. I assure you that all evidence of Prof. Cruise singling karaoke has been destroyed.

Entertainment

I’d read wonderful things about NCL’s entertainment, but I have to say, it exceeded all expectations. Well see, here…

Any record producers out there? Hit me up (and block Prof. Cruise’s number unless you want to hear unsolicited off-key Debbie Gibson covers during dinner).

In this section I’ll be reviewing The Second City: All Ages Improv at Headliner’s, Burn the Floor, Rock of Ages, Big Hero 6 in 3D, and Broadway performer Carla Stickler.

The Second City: All Ages Improv at Headliner’s

I’m really into comedy right now – in fact, Prof. Cruise calls me her little comedian. When she asks me what I had for lunch, I say “THE POTTY!” and I sometimes pretend I’m pooping in dog dishes and decorative vases. So you can understand my high standards.

The Second City: All Ages Improv reminded me too much of the team building exercises they make you do at work retreats. Think of one word to describe yourself: “annoyed.” And then I intentionally dropped my partner during the “trust fall” exercise so I could drive him to the emergency room.

Anyway, the performers asked the audience questions and then they would incorporate their answers into different skits. If they asked me for a word to describe Second City, it would be: not funny. I know that’s two words, but I refuse to follow instructions when I’m being a bad sport. I left with my drink (a Rebellious Fish – fitting) after the first two sets. The win goes to Carnival here with their scripted comedians. But if you want to see some real comedy, check out mom trying to assemble IKEA furniture.

Before I get to Burn the Floor and Rock of Ages, I should mention that one of the things we loved most about the production shows on the Breakaway were the free drinks (ha!). And the live musicians. Or maybe they weren’t alive and it was a “Weekend at Bernie’s” type situation where their limbs were being manipulated by the Second City cast (that was another one of their “not so funny without 6 drinks in you” shticks). Either way, having real (alive or not) people playing (definitely) real instruments was refreshing (versus the piped in music on Carnival). Now (like announced by our cruise director, Dan Dan)…Burn the Floor.

Burn the Floor…

is not an argument against NCL’s smoking policy (I realize that was a stretch, but I had to get “smoking policy” in here somewhere to increase the number of hits to my review), but rather a ballroom and Latin dance company we saw perform twice – once in a full production show in the main show lounge and once in the Manhattan dining room.

Those dancers were moving so fast they looked blurrier than Prof. Cruise’s photography (see every photo in this section). Look for ‘H’ and those dancers on next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” (they were that good). That mirror ball trophy will look great next to my “ship on a stick.”

In the off chance you aren’t entertained by the dozen or so incredibly talented dancers, live band, and vocalist, you might consider sitting at the back of the theater to watch security prevent patrons from taking photographs by shining a laser pointer at them. Seriously, watching people try to figure out where that red light was coming from was WAY funnier than the comedy club.

Security didn’t even bother with Prof. Cruise, because they knew her photos would more likely end up in a modern art museum with the most common interpretation being, “I don’t get it,” than turn out to be a recognizable representation of anything that actually happened in that theater.

She snapped those before the show started and while they introduced the Breakaway department heads and the Captain. Prof. Cruise printed this one out, drew a heart around the Captain in red marker, and pasted it to the inside of her locker.

And here’s one at the end of the show. I don’t get it.

Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages is a full length musical, having appeared on Broadway, with NO INTERMISSION, so don’t double fist cocktails and sit smack in the middle of a row toward the front (Prof. Cruise, and everyone to the left of and behind her, learned that one the hard way). The production quality and cast were somewhere between a high school version and Broadway. Which is to say audience members not related to one of the performers will still enjoy it very, very much, but it’s not quite ready to be nominated for a Tony.

Prof. Cruise loved singing along to the soundtrack of her adolescence and I learned a new term: lap dance. This is to say the show is not appropriate for children unless you want to have “the talk” 10 years earlier than planned. Three weeks later Prof. Cruise’s face was still red.

This show requires a reservation (as did “Burn the Floor). Make one, you’ll love it!

Carla Stickler: From Broadway to Breakaway

“I guess I’ll take this gig starring in Wicked on Broadway with the hope it will help me land my dream job, performing between bingo and 90’s trivia, on a cruise ship.” Thankfully Carla Stickler’s dream came true and, after many years of experience in various productions on and off Broadway, she found herself singing a solo concert in a half empty auditorium of elderly folks too cheap to pay for Cirque du Soleil, trying not to literally “break a leg” while swaying back and forth in heals – rough waters that last sea day.

When Prof. Cruise wasn’t traveling to and from the bar trying to squeeze every last drop from the UBP and then, 10 minutes later traveling to and from the bathroom (seriously Prof. Cruise, aisle seats are your friend), she really enjoyed the show. For 45 minutes, Ms. Stickler sang a wide variety of songs including Broadway hits, pop songs, and classics.

Fortunately she inspired Prof. Cruise to rekindle her dream of Broadway stardom and the next day she quit her job and instructed dad and I to: “leave me in New York, it’s where I’m meant to be” and dad and I immediately commenced properly grossing up our bachelor pad.

And we’ve been happily eating ice cream for dinner ever since.

3D Movies

Indulging in the UBP and experiencing a cruise ship communal potty (kiddie pool – stay tuned) were not my only firsts on this trip. I saw my first real movie (well, half movie) in a theater. It would have also been my first 3D movie, but I refused to wear the glasses. You’ll see why in a second.

Big Hero 6 was showing in 3D in the main show lounge. We entered the theater and Prof. Cruise was like: “wow, the service on NCL is top notch – Carnival never would have replaced my missing sunglasses for free!” I sighed and rolled my eyes for the 200th time that day and broke it to her: “those are your 3D glasses for the movie and you have to give them back when it’s over. “ “Well at least I’ll look super cool for the next 2 hours,” she replied. Not exactly…

Luckily a fresh batch of popcorn arrived and Prof. Cruise used her quick reflexes (I’ve been training her at mealtimes for 3 years for just such occasions) to snatch me a bag (the only reason I agreed to sit next to her). For some reason, when they pass something out for free on a cruise ship, people grab as many as they can hold and on Carnival they start stuffing them in their pants. Mark my words, decades from now Montreal is going to experience an epidemic of popcorn lung.

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie between bathroom breaks (like mother, like son) until dad got us thrown out for flash photography.

He said it was an accident, but that was no consolation when I fell and broke my clavicle a week later due to still seeing white spots.

If that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out Baymax, the sweet, helpful inflatable healthcare companion from the movie is just pretend so off to the emergency room I went. The Easter Bunny is real though, right?

Uptown Funk

I should mention here that despite the giant Statue of Liberty painted on the front of the ship being the first thing you see when you pull up to port, it took Prof. Cruise until day 7 to recognize the theme of the breakaway: “OH, I get it, Uptown as in the Uptown area of NYC!” Doctor. Moving on…

Prof. Cruise loves to eat, especially on vacation, so she tries to minimize the damage by keeping up with her exercise routine (pedaling slowly on resistance ‘0’ while watching TV) at the ship gym. She hit the Breakaway gym in the late afternoon on our first sea day with the best of intentions (she had the best of intentions when she decided to have a kid too, and look how that turned out), but it just didn’t work out (get it).

Reviewing a gym is sort of like reviewing a dentist: it’s always going to suck, but you might throw a few stars their way if you don’t have to pay your bill with 3 different credit cards and you leave with a few cheesy jokes and a free toothbrush. For Prof. Cruise, for a gym to earn a few stars it must be cool (like temp wise – it automatically stops being the other kind of cool the minute she walks in), have good TV, and provide nice showers. Unfortunately, she couldn’t award any stars in these three critical areas.

The gym was divided into two sides across the hall from each other. Weights and a small studio for classes on one side and cardio machines on the other side. Both sides were small and crowded (for the size of the ship – expect to wait for a machine during peak hours) and hot. Prof. Cruise did award half a star for having refrigerated towels available for cooling purposes. She grabbed a dozen of those and secured herself a rare vacant exercise bike.

She spent the first 20 minutes of her workout (and 5 cooling towels) trying to get the TV to work with no luck. She was exhausted, but kept telling herself “it’s a slippery slope from having a butt that’s comfortable for sitting on (totally acceptable) and having to be cut out of your house,” so she switched to an elliptical machine that appeared to have an operational television.

But, while operational, 2 of the 5 or so channels available were Fox News and MSNBC. Prof. Cruise got very confused flipping between them. Is this orange haired guy going to bring my job back from China (as an American it’s almost impossible to land a job as a professional cruiser these days) or will I have to yell across a giant concrete wall if I want to hang out with my new French Canadian friends? Besides, vacations are for watching a babysitter try to seduce the father of her charges while slowly poisoning their mother on Lifetime, NOT politics.

Anyway, Prof. Cruise finished her “workout” (someone walking by observed her pace on the elliptical and said “proof that things really do slow down on vacation”) and headed for the showers.

One of our favorite things about the gyms on Carnival is the free use of large, fancy (relatively speaking) spa showers (the gym version of a free toothbrush). Part of Prof. Cruise’s daily ritual on Carnival is to hit the gym and then take a long shower, rinsing out her sweat soaked gym clothes, and changing into clean gear before returning to our cabin.

Well to everyone’s horror there were no showers available (at least for those who hadn’t paid to use the spa) on the Breakaway. In fact there was just a very small bathroom with a few toilets and a handful of lockers.

So Prof. Cruise’s uptown funk (the gym is located all the way forward on deck 15) traveled the length of the ship and down 5 floors to our downtown (aft) stateroom and took up residence with us in our small, poorly ventilated inside cabin for the next week.

And despite the trail of sweat leading from our room back to the gym, Prof. Cruise would never return. She also hasn’t been back to the gym at home since I broke my clavicle “out of solidarity” (my bench press has really suffered).

In summary, every gym sucks, but with this one, you won’t even leave with a free shower.

Now before you go thinking I’m a Carnival Cheerleader (my arm’s in a sling – that’s not even possible) and/or an NCL basher (trust me, never was there made a cruise ship I would bash), let me move on to two big wins for NCL: the toddler pool and Guppies Room with a brief mention of Splash Academy along with the schedule for the 2-5 year old group.

Kids’ Aqua Park: Just the Facts, Ma’am

Being able to pee without ever leaving your bar stool is convenient, sure, and I was skeptical at first, but, as it turns out, potty training has taken cruising to a whole new level. Before, I would spend the first day or two of my trip surrounded on all sides by water, but not able to dip a single piggy into it until we made it to the beach where Prof. Cruise would throw a swim diaper on me and warn the fish to keep their distance in case of an environmental disaster.

Now there’s nothing stopping me (except ship security when I do cannonballs in the adults only pool) from getting my piggies and the rest of me (except for my eyes…that stings and I have to get out and recover on a lounge chair with a Painkiller) in the miniature oceans on the big boat.

I freakin loved this place. In fact, I opted to stay here instead of going to the real beach one day. It can get crowded and a bit wild at times for really little ones, but I didn’t let that stop me.

Speaking of really little ones, I hesitate to even bring this up as it’s more controversial than à la carte pricing, but there were many, many kids in swim diapers (and a few regular diapers) and none of them were arrested and taken to the brig charged with swimming while sagging. Just the facts, ma’am – do with it what you choose (Prof. Cruise and dad chose to wait until I was trained, but they’re exceedingly mean).

P.S. My advice for my fans contemplating potty training: hold out for a better reward. I started out getting a single M&M and worked up to king-sized Kit Kats. You’re welcome.

Splash Academy and the Guppies Room

Here’s another fact for you. What are the best ages to be? 65 and 3. Sixty-five because you don’t have to work and the government starts subsidizing your cruises. Three because you can take advantages of both Splash Academy AND the Guppies Room on the Breakaway. Splash Academy is the supervised youth program (I call it “boat school”) for kids/teens 3 and older and the Guppies Room is an unsupervised room full of toys and new friends (with occasional programming for parents and their toddlers) for kids 6 months – 3 years.

Prof. Cruise and I visited boat school on embarkation day to get me registered and collect my free purple bracelet, but once I learned that a Guppy is a small fish (see me at the Aqua Park) who is inexpensive and easy to care for (Prof. Cruise and I disagree on those last two) and that I could hang out there playing toys instead of going to school, I knew that’s where I belonged and I never stepped foot in Splash Academy again.

I loved playing with the rotating toys (they put new ones out every day) in the Guppies Room and Prof. Cruise and dad appreciated having a place we could play together (they have a bit of separation anxiety). We’ve always been surprised that there’s not a spot like this for younger toddlers on Carnival. NCL for the win!

Here’s the Splash Academy schedule for the 2-5 group. I asked one of my French Canadian friends what “Cowboys in Outer Space” was and she said, “it’s how we describe you Americans.” She wasn’t sure what the activity involved – she didn’t attend that day.

The Atrium

There were always activities going on in the Atrium designed to make you look uncoordinated or stupid (interactive video game competitions like Dance, Dance Revolution projected on the huge screen or trivia). For the trivia games, all players would start out on stage. The host would ask a question and people would move to different locations based on their answer. If they answered correctly, they stayed on stage. If not, they returned to their seat (while I tried to hit them with cocktail olives).

For the session we watched, nearly all the questions were specific to American history or popular culture, but it was two French Canadians who walked away with the first and second place prizes. The Americans on board either knew nothing about their own history and culture or weren’t able to think and walk at the same time. They looked like a bunch of cowboys in outer space.

Ports

I’m slowly getting around to reviewing all the ports we visited, but here’s Great Stirrup Cay to get you started. Click here.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good

Sometimes pictures speak louder than words…

The Bad

Mega Crowds

The ship felt very, very crowded. Prof Cruise is an introvert and would have frequently escaped to our interior cabin seeking solitude if she wasn’t also claustrophobic. She’s put all six of her therapist’s children through college.

Service

The dining service was a little spotty (when you order a Bailey’s and coffee and end up getting charged for a macchiato – I don’t even know what that is), slow at times, and not nearly as friendly as Carnival (sometimes you wanna go…where everybody knows your name).

Internet

The wireless internet was painfully slow. It took 20 minutes to upload 1 adorable beach photo to Facebook (I don’t like to keep my fans waiting) and Prof. Cruise was transported back to her college days where the soundtrack to her life included a loud dial tone, AOL proclaiming “you’ve got mail,” and grandma yelling at her to “get off the internet already, the phone’s been ringing busy for 7 hours straight!”

Narrow Stateroom Hallways

On the first day we had to do a sideways shuffle to get past the service carts (I’d love to hear from anyone using a large stroller or mobility scooter on the Breakaway – how did you manage?). By day 7, with 20 extra pounds of ice cream, mac n cheese, and cinnamon rolls having taken up residence on my thighs, I looked like Baymax, the giant inflatable healthcare companion (from Big Hero 6) trying to squeeze through the factory window (maybe you have to have seen the movie) or Prof. Cruise trying to get into her pep club uniform from high school.

The Ugly

Part of my job as Prof. Cruise’s teaching/travel assistant is to serve her drinks. See…

Well two seconds after that photo was taken, the glass fell off the tray (the French Canadians saw that one coming), shattered into a million pieces (one of which sent dad to the medical unit for stitches), crushed the Prof.’s dream that I’d someday work on a cruise ship and invite her for friends and family week, and did further damage to the reputation of Americans (burp).

Stay tuned for my final thoughts.

In Conclusion

[Bet you never thought you’d hear those two words. Time to hit the bookstore for War and Peace for a little light reading to help you recover.]

I love Carnival like a childhood friend. There’s history there and comfort in the familiar. And I know I’ll go back to her time and time again. But I’m glad I took a chance on something new. NCL broadened and enriched my cruising experience.

Life is unpredictable and scary and sometimes you just want to burrow down in a familiar place where you feel safe. But I challenge you to peak out, take a chance, change direction, not because there was anything wrong with where you were, but because there might be something amazing right around the corner. In cruising and in life.

Thanks for reading and participating – I love you all and hope to see you on a big boat real soon.

Check out my other ship reviews here.

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