Kauai was our last Hawaiian port on a 15 day round trip cruise from San Francisco aboard the Grand Princess with prior stops in Hilo (see my review of Hilo here), Honolulu (see my review of Honolulu here), and Maui (see my review of snorkeling in Maui here).
There are many examples of me starting out strong and clear and gradually fading away to a dull haze before disappearing into the mist entirely. For example, two weeks ago we moved to a new apartment in our same building in downtown Seattle. Knowing I’d have to continue seeing the person who would conduct the post move-out inspection of our old unit, I made a herculean effort to clean the bathrooms to avoid deep and profound shame and embarrassment and losing my deposit to cover the cost of the HAZMAT team. Because I live with a 6 year-old boy and a grown man who’s aim is roughly equivalent to that of a 6 year-old boy (in fairness, he’s extremely tall and doesn’t see well without his glasses at night) and because I went from cleaning the bathroom once a week when we first moved in to once a month and then only prior to my in-laws visiting which occurs roughly twice a year.
Such as it was with our cruise to Hawaii. Not the filthy bathrooms, they were cleaned daily by our saintly room steward Edgar, but my waning enthusiasm. I spent weeks planning our itinerary for Hilo, a little less on Honolulu, went with an easy ship excursion for Maui and planned precisely zippo for Kauai. Nada. Nothing.
Here’s what we ended up doing and 6 ideas of things you can also do easily from port with no pre-planning.
So when we got off the ship and saw there was nothing obvious to do, we stumbled into the taxi line before a trolley – Daniel Tiger like to those under 6 and Mr. Rogers like to us “older” folks – attracted the eye of “H,” the son gifted at yellow toilet graffiti who doubles as my teaching/travel assistant. And the word “FREE” attached to said Trolley attracted the eye of a certain penny-pinching former college professor who wears a respirator to clean her bathrooms.
We hopped on the trolley looking a lot like Lady Elaine, Music Man Stan, and Miss Elaina (except a boy version) with the addition of Lady Elaine’s mother, who as far as I know never makes an appearance in the cartoon, but is as kind and wise as Mr. Rogers himself in real life. But instead of delivering us to the Land of Make Believe where we would cavort with royalty, the trolley dropped us off at the Harbor Mall where you can get a tattoo and eat pie from a vending machine.
Just don’t turn to Arianna Grande for suggestions unless you want to accidentally pay homage to a Japanese style barbeque grill instead of your newest hit single.
Remember in Jr. High when you used to slam dunk the fruit your mom packed in your lunch into the garbage can on the way to the vending machine where you would spend your allowance on chips and soda? Well these days vending machines also serve up art, electronics, and…freshly baked pie.
Just off the Trolley, you’ll find The Right Slice and think you’ve been dropped off in a fantasy land after all. And while I didn’t return to Seattle with an itchy scab in the shape of a cruise ship (I mean if I was going to get one), I sure as hell partook of some vending machine pie. You should too. But save room for…
In Seattle, we call it “shaved ice,” but in Hawaii it’s called “shave ice” and the Sleeping Giant is a mountain range (official name is the Nounou Mountain range) that looks from a distance like a, well, sleeping giant. Combine the two and you get this:
It should be noted that there are three scoops of ice cream in the middle of that thing and that you can get yourself one at Skinny Mike’s Hawaiian Ice Cream. If you’re a novice desserter, consider ordering one sleeping giant shave ice and asking for three spoons in order to share. As for me, I ordered three sleeping giant shave ice with one spoon in order to not share: “Get your own, Miss Elaina!”
One person’s dream is another’s nightmare. My mother-in-law’s dream in life is to visit the Mall of America. My worst nightmare is spending any time at all in any mall of America, not eating. So I high-tailed it out of the Harbor Mall as soon as I finished licking the last of my shave ice drippings off the table and headed across the street to Kalapaki beach. It’s a lovely spot with the beautiful grounds of a Marriott resort nearby. The beach is free and open to the public.
My mom tells me I have a pretty strong crap detector, but occasionally I find myself susceptible to a sale’s pitch, especially when there’s food involved. Which is why I stuffed my backpack full of free pretzels and bottled water after pre-purchasing a lovely condo in a retirement community with a bowling alley and a nursery with fake babies for dear mom.
It’s also how we ended up on the “Trolley Stop Tour,” Kauai’s “Original Trolley Tour.” The paid version. This pitch didn’t promise any food, but they did appeal to my thrifty side when they compared the reasonable $50 charge for a most comprehensive and enjoyable 2 ½ hour tour of various sites around Lihue and Wailua to that of a much pricier ship excursion. Sold to the sunburned woman in the Goodwill smock!
On the free trolley ride from the port to the mall, you’ll be tempted with a similar offer and I suggest you consider taking it. Here’s the storefront in the Harbor Mall where we purchased our tickets (they will provide you with directions as you exit the free trolley):
And here’s what we saw:
This was a lovely little hidden bay out by the airport where we disembarked the trolley to enjoy stunning views and the sound of the waves crashing over a jetty.
It’s also the place where we met our first wild chickens of Kauai, which proliferate across the island. Local lore suggests that these feral millennial chickens are descended from domesticated chickens who escaped from their coups during two hurricanes, Iwa in 1982 and Iniki in 1992.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to a tourist to feed him.
This was a beautiful beach park with two protected lagoons for swimming, a playground, and a paved path for strolling along and taking in the views. There were also restroom facilities available. We had about 10 minutes to explore this area on our own.
We made a stop along the Heritage Trail with the Opaeka’a Falls overlook on one side and the Wailua River overlook on the other. We didn’t spend long here, but we had enough time to snap some photos and use the restrooms.
I love touring churches and cemeteries, although I’d prefer to avoid spending any real time in either. Back on the Trolley!
We also visited some supposedly important ruins, the Pohaku Ho’ohanau (Royal Birthstones) and the Holoholoku Heiau (thought to be Kauai’s oldest temple) but they were difficult to appreciate from the trolley and we wouldn’t want to waste class time today on something so boring as ancient history.
And while we never saw King Friday’s Castle or the Great Oak Tree or the Rocking Chair Factory or the Museum-Go-Round or the Platypus Mound or the Grandfather Clock, we saw enough on our Trolley ride to really appreciate the unique beauty and history of Kauai and vowed to return someday for a longer land-based stay on the island.
After our tour was complete we were returned to the Harbor Mall where we boarded the free trolley back to our ship, satisfied that a total lack of planning really does pay off. Let that be your takeaway from today’s lecture. And vending machine pie. Don’t forget the vending machine pie.
Class dismissed.
Check out my other Hawaii port posts here.
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