Before I start my review, I need to get something off my chest. You wouldn’t mind putting on some soothing music and dimming the lights while I lay down on your couch as you pretend to listen intently, jot down a few “notes” from your tufted leather chair that are actually doodles of my face with devil horns, while judging the crap out of me, right? Cool, thanks.
Here’s the thing. We have an apartment shortage in my home city of Seattle. And here’s the other thing. The Ovation of the Seas has been floating around the Puget Sound near downtown Seattle vacant, but for a skeleton crew, since I debarked her in mid-October (you can read about why HERE).
So I’ve been tirelessly lobbying Michael Bayley (Royal Caribbean’s President and CEO). Local and state officials. Nancy Pelosi, Kevin McCarthy, Chuck Schumer, and Mitch McConnell (I feel like if there’s any issue that can unite the left and the right, it’s this one – hell maybe even Joe Manchin will agree to it without 4,000 concessions and an equal number of strokes to his ego). And the other Joe, the sleepy one who’s approval rating is in the toilet right now because he has, so far, done NOTHING to address this urgent and critical issue facing the American people. I’ve even lobbied Twitter to let Trump back on to argue the election was stollen. IF he’ll also make a bigly case, the biggest most beautiful case ever made, for temporarily turning the Ovation of the Seas into a floating apartment complex. I mean, it just makes sense right? We can ALL agree that living on a cruise ship would pretty much solve all my problems. I mean, our problems. The housing shortage thing.
Okay, now that we have that established (I feel much better, BTW, thank you), let me give you a tour of my new apartment, followed by a description of some of its key features.
At 198 sq. ft. with another 55 sq. ft. of balcony space, this cabin is equivalent to the average-sized apartment in Seattle within the $8,000-$10,000 a month price range (that’s an exaggeration, but only a slight one). In all seriousness though, this cabin felt spacious even though the square footage runs below average for similar cabin categories on other ships (cabins on these newer mega-ships tend to run a bit on the small side). Even though it was actually smaller than my prior cabin on another newer mega-ship (NCL’s Encore), the smart layout coupled with the clean, contemporary furnishings made it feel larger.
The only thing I didn’t love about the layout was that the armoire piece positioned between the bed and the sofa blocked my view of outside when I was laying in bed. And you know that as soon as I leaned my head back a giant pod of orcas appeared just out-of-view. And the aurora borealis (my bucket list survives another day). Otherwise, I wouldn’t change a thing about the layout of this cabin.
Storage was ample and included a large armoire on either side of the bed, two large cabinets above the bed, and a dresser with five drawers (plus a mini-fridge, but I’ll get to that next). I also used under the bed to store my luggage and as a hiding spot when it was time to disembark (obviously it didn’t work or I’d have spent the last month sneaking around with the chef).
I promised you a mini-fridge and a mini-fridge you shall have. If, that is, you open the large door on the dresser and yell, “FOUND YOU,” like you’re playing hide-and-seek with the thing. And I suggest you keep it stocked with pizza from Sorrento’s and desserts from Cafe Promenade for late night snacking. Or early morning. Or between your first and second breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It’s always a good time for a snack on a cruise! And at the end of my upcoming 5-month residence at the Ovation of the Seas Luxury Puget Sound Floating Apartments, I just plan on having the ship’s chief engineer convert the North Star into a crane to transfer me directly from the ship to a Weight Watchers meeting.
That’s outlets, plural. Older ships often only come equipped with one outlet, like all I have to plug in are my hot rollers and not two phones, a laptop, a tablet, a portable fan, an electric toothbrush, some ear pods, and some rechargeable heated gloves (true story, this was a cruise to Alaska and I have shamefully poor circulation).
If you’re not excited about this hair dryer and box of tissues, well you’ve clearly never been rushed to the medical unit having suffered a near strangulation at the cord of the typical (permanently attached to the wall and way too short) cruise ship hairdryer and you don’t count on cruise cabins and hotel rooms to stock your home with personal hygiene items (hand to God, I haven’t purchased toilet paper or Kleenex in over a decade):
I sat at this desk to finally complete my memoir. I’ll share it exclusively with you now. It’s called, “Sailing Through Life:”
In 2010 I went on a cruise for my honeymoon. And that’s pretty much all I’ve done since.
I’m feeling a little vulnerable putting that all out there like that. #cruiseaddict
I’d appreciate any supportive words you might have in the comments.
Moving on…
You’ll notice on the desk that Royal Caribbean also provided all guests with a paper mask and a small bottle of hand sanitizer.
These handy magnets can be placed on the outside of your stateroom door. Double check you’re using the correct one though! In an unfortunate mishap, Romeo, my room steward walked in, not to a vacant cabin as expected or to find his Juliet, but instead to a guest who shall remain nameless eating cupcakes in her underwear while doing yoga (true story – I can only imagine how this was relayed to his fellow crew members that night: “Just when I thought I was about to get off this ship without having seen it all!”).
Despite his propensity to spread 100% factual if embarrassing gossip about the occupant of cabin 7550 who goes by the moniker of “Prof. Cruise” to hide her true identity as a failed circus clown with a sweet tooth, Romeo was a phenomenal steward. He was efficient and friendly and I feel extremely bad about scarring him for life.
If I seem more controlling lately, even maniacal at times, blame the Ovation of the Seas. It all began with this self-adjustable thermostat and this plastic slot that allowed me to control the power in my cabin with an old hotel key card. It started out innocent enough with me cranking up the heat as high as it would go to save money on the spa, “man, it’s like a sauna in here” and escalated to me turning off the thermostat completely as I dramatically pulled the card out of the slot, killing most of the power to my stateroom as I chillingly proclaimed, “you’re mine now, Gotham City!”
There’s probably a reason I was sailing solo. But in any case, I loved being able to control the temperature in my cabin and the thermostat worked very well. And as is standard in most newer cruise cabins, a card must be inserted in the slot near the door for most of the power to work. Be careful to keep it in there if you’re charging items while you’re away (just manually turn out all the lights to save power). If you aren’t charging anything, it’s handy to just pull the card out as you leave to kill all the lights at once: “You’re mine now, Gotham City!”
That’s not a coffee maker, it’s a kettle. While that will come as a disappointment to many, it felt like further vindication to me. Let me explain. Nine years ago, when I got pregnant with my son, I gave up coffee for good. Instead I switched to this hippy dippy drink I invented which is a blend of mushroom powder, caffeine free masala chai, pure cocoa, and turmeric, which you stir into hot water with a stick and drink from a colocasia leaf which you then eat (okay, that last part’s an embellishment, but the drink recipe is true). Anyway, my family and friends have teased me relentlessly about this over the years until my husband sends out a group text a few weeks ago about a new “mushroom coffee” joint opening in one of the trendiest neighborhoods in Seattle. And for the first time ever, I am a full decade ahead of a trend instead of triple that number of years behind one (I’m wearing the tufted Girbaud jeans right now to prove it).
And you better believe I brought my mushroom “coffee” onboard with me and was thrilled with a kettle for hot water to stir it in! You can also use the kettle for tea if you didn’t get the message back in 1773 that you were supposed to dump it all overboard (sorry, it’s too late – they don’t allow you to dump anything overboard on a cruise ship).
Those who know me well probably need intensive therapy. But they’re probably also shocked that I had a balcony stateroom on the Ovation of the Seas. Why? Because I’m cheaper than the 75% off bin at Goodwill. Just as classy too. As such, I wear a sweatshirt with a doily collar and wedge tennis shoes with my Girbaud jeans to formal night and usually opt for an inside cabin.
But in this case I ended up in a balcony cabin because I wanted to try out Royal Caribbean’s new RoyalUp program that allows passengers to bid for an upgraded stateroom. Staying true to brand, I submitted the minimum bid and almost considered paying a visit to the ship’s casino (the last time I gambled, I suffered a devastating $3 loss at a Sex and the City slot and swore off casinos forever) when I actually won!
Now you know that if I spent $100 extra dollars for a balcony, I was going to use that balcony. Even if it was Alaska in mid-October and required an extra suitcase for my giant floor length (which was meant to fall mid calf, I’m just especially short and feel like I really got my money’s worth every time my ankles stay warm) puffer coat, boots, hat, and heated ski gloves. I even slept out there even though I woke up several times a night to something akin to being water boarded: “Yes, I hid the spare roll of toilet paper every day so my room steward would put out another one!”
Even though I returned home and had to have part of my nose removed due to frostbite (notice my fingers were fine – someone needs to invent a rechargeable heated nose warmer next), I really enjoyed my balcony. It came equipped with two reclining chairs with foot stools, one set to sit on and one set to store my overflow snacks (because the tiny table out there wasn’t nearly sufficient).
Let’s move back indoors to another area I spent a lot of time: the bathroom (I mean, I eat a LOT on a cruise). But before we trip across the threshold, let me share with you the first professional cruise ship photograph of myself I’ve ever purchased, because it so perfectly captured my experience in my cabin on the Ovation of the Seas:
You’ll find a similar image, one I regularly disregarded to my peril, on the bathroom door, warning of a step up. Heed it if you don’t want to emerge from doing your business with a halo of twittering birds.
The bathroom was pretty standard, but with nice, modern finishes. There was the typical “destroy your hair in just three washes!” shampoo/body wash combo provided and a removable shower head if you need to defend your position on the tiolet at the one hour mark: “I know I shouldn’t have ordered three cheese plates with dessert, but enter at your own risk!”
And while I loved the glass-enclosed shower (it felt spacious and the glass prevented water from getting all over the bathroom floor), there was this mystery bar in there I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out:
Oh wait, those are my legs in the shower. My bad. Here’s the mystery bar:
Does anyone know what that thing’s for?
And with that image – of my hairy Sasquatch legs that I refuse to shave because they keep me warm in the winter and make my shaggy-haired rescue dog feel less alienated – to carry you through the remainder of your day, now feels like a good time to say (before this gets even weirder)…
Class Dismissed.
Homework (10 points): Check out my full review of the Ovation of the Seas. You can also go HERE to find every bar and restaurant menu on the Ovation. And don’t forget to follow Prof. Cruise on social media and subscribe to the blog.
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