New Therapy Practice Targets Disgruntled Cruisers

Cruise News: New Therapy Practice Targets Disgruntled Cruisers

A new therapy practice is the first of its kind to offer services specifically for disgruntled cruisers. I caught up with founder Karen Crybaby via FaceTime to ask about the inspiration behind Cruise Couch.

PROF. CRUISE: What inspired Cruise Couch, the first therapy practice in the United States geared toward cruise complainers?

KAREN CRYBABY: After returning from my first cruise, I posted to a cruise-related online message board about an unpleasant experience I’d had at the dining room one evening and the cruise line’s unsatisfactory response, which was: “In the cruise contract you signed, it specifically states that we shall not be held liable for dead rats found floating in cream of broccoli soup.”

But instead of the support and empathy I sought, I received the following comments:

“Sorry, but you signed the contract. Maybe bother to read it next time? It’s only 1,538 pages of 8 point font.”

“And you’re going to let that ruin your whole vacation? Some people are never satisfied!”

“I’ve been on 8,000 cruises and I’ve never ONCE found a dead rat in my soup!”

“The plague is a great way to build up your immune system! You should be THANKING the cruise line!”

“I’m pretty sure Rat Carcass replaced Frog Legs on the ‘Rare Finds’ portion of the updated menus. Personally I’m excited to try something new.”

“If there’s something I don’t care for in my meal (I’m not a huge fan of raisins or olives), I just discreetly pick it out and place it on my bread plate. No need to make a scene!”

“Are you sure that dead rat didn’t fall from your mouth into the soup? I think I sat next to you at trivia and your breath smelled horrible.”

My vision for Cruise Couch is that it serve as an alternative to cruisers seeking solace from random people on the internet who will gaslight them and continue to defend their favorite cruise line from the mouth of a fish: “This ship sinking saved my family the cost of cremation and taking a week off work to spread my ashes in the Atlantic.”

PROF. CRUISE: But are they actually cruise line loyalists or Putin’s Russian bots intent on destroying America by pitting cruisers against each other (because is there anything more quintessentially American than cruising?)?

KAREN CRYBABY: Either way, we offer a safe space for anyone needing to air their cruise grievances, anything from cruise cutbacks to long lines to chair hogs to unruly children to cold food to lost luggage to missed ports to slow service to waking up neck deep in raw sewage from a malfunctioning toilet (that was NOT your fault for ordering the English Breakfast).

PROF. CRUISE: Where is your practice located and who do you serve?

KAREN CRYBABY: Our practice currently has one physical office located adjacent to the NYC Cruise Terminal (New Yorkers we recruited as they yelled in the post-cruise taxi line currently make up 90% of our clients), but we’re looking to open additional offices in Galveston, Los Angeles, Miami, and Seattle within the next year. Telehealth visits are also available for those who have already returned home or are currently onboard.

We also offer 24/7 emergency support to those who may have been publicly shamed by John Heald via his Facebook page at 9am England time which is 3am in Ohio where one of our current clients, “V,” composed her original message to John (over a triple Whopper with cheese), in which she expressed outrage that (on his personal Facebook page) he mentioned receiving a Covid booster, called him a “sheep,” and referred to her kind as “clean bloods.” Which brings me to your second question: We serve both clean bloods and Muggle-borns alike.

PROF. CRUISE: Thank you for your time today, Karen. One final question, a bit off topic: What would you say to a cruise addict (me) who doesn’t want help (also me) and secretly thinks you made up that whole rat story so you could cozy up to George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America?

PROF. CRUISE: It seems we’ve lost Karen (who’s actual name is Betsy Lewis, but I editorialized a bit on the written transcript). So with that…

Class Dismissed.

Homework (10 points): Go ahead and air all your cruise complaints in the comments. Let’s see what happens (but I’m not paying for your therapy)!

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