Sometimes two seemingly antithetical things can both be true. For example, I used to be a college professor, but I can’t help my son with his 2nd grade math. Also, I currently make my living as an online “influencer,” but up until yesterday thought TikTok was an 80’s rapper. Turns out I was thinking of Flaver Flav.
That (loosely, very loosely) brings us to today’s topic: Cruise Homonyms
What’s a homonym you ask? I only know because my mom has a Master’s Degree in English. But I once got eliminated in the first round of a spelling bee for answering “D-A-W-G” when asked to spell “dog.” See, antithetical things can both be true. Also, I didn’t know what a homonym was back then or I would have known to ask for clarification: “two legs or four?”
Anyway, let’s have some fun and think of words that mean one thing to cruisers, but something else to non-cruisers. I mean, technically they can both be true, but one is clearly better.
This will also serve as a lesson on cruise ship lingo for any newbie cruisers. Because you don’t want to embarrass yourself at dinner in the MDR (main dining room on a cruise ship) by thinking platinum is a hair color and responding, “I’m proud to be platinum too!” even though you just told the whole table it was your first cruise.
Platinum to cruisers: A high loyalty status indicating that you have cruised extensively on a certain line.
Platinum to non-cruisers: A precious silvery-white metal. Or gray-white hair. Or a music recording certification indicating that 1,000,000 records have been sold.
Bridge to cruisers: The place at the front of the ship where the captain and his or her crew control the direction and speed of the ship and perform other necessary functions. Also a trick-taking card game popular among some cruisers much smarter than Prof. Cruise.
Bridge to non-cruisers: A structure carrying a road, path, railroad, or canal across a river, ravine, road, railroad, or other obstacle. Sometimes cruise ships go under bridges, which is pretty cool, so we cruisers appreciate that kind of bridge too!
Cabin to cruisers: Your stateroom on a cruise ship. Pro Top: NEVER call it a “room” on a cruise-related Facebook group or message board unless you want to return to your post 15 minutes later with 500 replies questioning your worth as a human and ignoring your original, perfectly legitimate question about whether cruise rooms [cabins] have bathtubs (most don’t).
Cabin to non-cruisers: A small shelter or house, made of wood and situated in a remote area. Also were you’ll have to live out the rest of your days as a recluse if you accidentally call a cruise cabin a “room.”
Port to cruisers: A city or town the ship visits on your cruise. Can also be the place you start and/or end your cruise (embarkation/debarkation port). Also, “port side” means the left side of the ship when facing toward the front. (The right side is called “starboard.”)
Port to non-cruisers: A strong, sweet, usually dark red dessert wine. That’s not to say that us cruisers don’t sometimes order a port wine to drink with our Carnival Chocolate Melting Cake.
Back-to-back (b2b) to cruisers: Two or more cruises sailed consecutively. Go here to learn more about back-to-back cruising.
Back-to-back to non-cruisers: A rear surface of the human body from the shoulders to the hips facing another rear surface of the human body from the shoulders to the hips. Often seen in weird team building activities that everyone secretly hates.
Hog to cruisers: A cruise villain aka a “chair hog” is someone who places a towel or other items on a prime lounge chair (usually near the pool) to save it for long periods of time while they’re off doing God knows what while you’re circling for hours trying to find a spot to yell at your kid in the pool while you drink a frozen cocktail or eight.
Hog to non-cruisers: A large domesticated pig (see photo below or Prof. Cruise at the buffet).
Tender to cruisers: A small boat used to transport cruisers from the ship to shore.
Tender to non-cruisers: Gentleness. Or the opposite of 4,000 cruise passengers battling for an early tender ticket.
Bow to a cruiser: The front of the ship.
Bow to a non-cruiser: A knot tied with two loops and two loose ends. Now tie a bow around that cruise ship and park it in front of my apartment.
Stern to a cruiser: The rear of the ship. “I like big [cruise ship] butts and I cannot lie!”
Stern to a non-cruiser: Serious and unrelenting, especially in the assertion of authority and exercise of discipline.
Funnel to a cruiser: A metal chimney on a ship.
Funnel to a non-cruiser: A tube or pipe that is wide at the top and narrow at the bottom, used for guiding something into a small opening.
Towel to a cruiser: An animal created by folding a small towel, often left in cruise cabins by room stewards to the delight of passengers, young and old.
Towel to a non-cruiser: A piece of thick absorbent cloth or paper used for drying oneself or wiping things.
Disney to a cruiser: Sea-based theme park.
Disney to a non-cruiser: Land-based theme park AKA hell to Prof. Cruise (sorry, not sorry). I’d totally go on a Disney cruise though if I wasn’t so cheap.
Whale tail to cruisers: The funnel design used on Carnival cruise ships.
Whale tail to non-cruisers: The tail of a whale. Which you can see on a cruise to Alaska.
There’s also an R-rated definition of “whale tail” you can probably also see on a [Carnival] cruise (I kid, I kid).
Any finally, while non-cruisers usually look up when they think of heaven, a cruiser will look to the sea.
If you haven’t been on a cruise yet, brush up on these terms and give it a try. You might just find a little glimpse of heaven (and become seriously addicted like the rest of us). And with that…
Class Dismissed.
Homework (10 points): Can you think of any cruise homonyms I missed? Drop them in the comments. And go here for more cruise-related humor.
Also, don’t forget to follow Prof. Cruise on Facebook and Instagram.
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