Here are the week’s biggest cruise headlines…
Now that guests have adjusted to the $3 charge for popcorn, Carnival has announced that it will also begin charging $3 for access to the toppings bar at Guy’s Burgers. While a plain burger will remain complimentary, toppings such as lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, mushrooms, bacon, pickles, and ketchup will incur the fee. Shareholders rejoiced while Carnival passengers expressed anger and outrage and are already sharing tips in Facebook groups on how to sneak condiments onboard and various buffet hacks to get around the new policy.
After the success of the line’s popular OceanMedallion wearable technology, Princess has announced the next phase of their program to bring cutting edge technology to sea. Beginning in May 2023 Princess will implant a small rice-sized and painless OceanChip into the arms of embarking passengers. It will perform all the functions of the Medallion, but with greater accuracy and precision and will also allow the line to track passenger habits on land so it can better cater to the likes and desires of passengers. In response to rumors that the chip will explode onboard competing cruise lines, a spokesperson for Princess said: “Yes, that’s true. At Princess we value loyalty and believe this new tool will reduce the temptation among some of our older guests to try Holland America.”
After the overwhelming popularity of the line’s new “Ward Cove” terminal in Ketchikan that dumps passengers in the middle of nowhere to give them the true experience of surviving in the vast Alaskan wilderness, the line has decided to build new terminals in inconvenient locations at all of its ports worldwide.
Royal Caribbean’s newest ship, Mammoth of the Seas, will feature a regulation-sized football field in a stadium-like venue that can accommodate up to 100,000 spectators. The line is currently in talks with the NFL about bringing the 2027 Super Bowl to sea.
As part of its partnership with Goop, beginning on May 1st, 2023 Celebrity ships will feature three new Goop products in support of the line’s focus on wellness and environmental stewardship. First, Psychic Vampire Repellant Protection Mist will be available in all lounges to ward off psychic vampires.
Second, a new Kegel-like class featuring Goops popular “Jade Egg” will be offered in ship fitness centers. Medical center staff have been briefed on this new program and trained in the proper and safe removal of misplaced eggs.
Finally, staterooms will now come equipped with premium “Toothpaste Squeezers” as Celebrity remains committed to the environment and reducing waste. A spokesperson for Celebrity noted that toothpaste waste remains one of the most serious threats to our planet.
With constant complaints from the line’s most loyal passengers about a lack of kids onboard, Holland America has announced a new promotion to lure more families with children to the line. Their “Families with Kids Sail Free” promotion will wave the full cruise fare for families with at least one child or teenager under the age of 18. Families will also receive an extra $100 in onboard credit for every additional child above the first. If you’re currently childless, there’s still time to take advantage of this amazing deal that runs through December 31, 2023. And with that…
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Class Dismissed.
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