I’m baaaaaack (read Oprah style)! Prof. Cruise’s travel/teaching assistant, “H” here with a throwback to my very first booze cruise on the Carnival Sensation.
As you may know, on my maiden voyage aboard the Carnival Freedom I was just shy of legal Camp Ocean age. You’d think Prof. Cruise would have been able to hook a guy up with a fake ID, working with all those college students and all? No. And we all suffered for it. Well, now I was legit 2! In addition to being thrilled with the option to unload me on those angels among us at Camp Carnival, Prof. Cruise was also relieved she no longer had to remember how old I was in months. And what’s the best, really only, way to celebrate coming of age? BOOZE CRUISE!!
Me, after a long night of partying:
When you’re two, people are always trying to teach you things. Guys, this isn’t my first time around the “big boat.” But alas, I’m told the Carnival Sensation has an important lesson to teach us: if your ship is old and small, a little rough around the edges, full of almost totally naked and completely, totally trashed college students who yell louder than I do (little refresher here, I like to yell), and only sailing for four short days, it’s best to try to see your DOD (drink of the day) as half full.
Really though, you weren’t on a Carnival Cruise if your booze wasn’t always half full: “Another drink Mr. H?” cha-ching!
Or if you disembarked without a $45 photo of a Pirate all up in your grill in the MDR. cha-ching!, cha-ching!
And some 75% off jewelry that would have cost you, like, 90% off that at the Claire’s going out of business sale. cha-ching!, cha-ching!, cha-ching!
Seriously though, for a smaller “big boat” Prof. Cruise still found herself lost at least a dozen times and we all managed to have a (spoiler alert) great time! Who’s we? Read on!
By the way, feel free to ask questions or chime in in the comments at the end of the review. Getting to know all of you and share our experiences is what makes doing these reviews so fun!
A lot of people think I’m a girl due to my long, curly hairs. Not that it matters, but for the record, I’m a dude. I like travel and long walks on the beach (no, seriously). If you read my previous review of the Carnival Freedom here, you know my favorite foods are orange sherbet and cheese. Since the Freedom, I mastered the ABC’s (in both regular speed and fast motion) and fake burps. Uuuuut, excuse me. Uuuuut, excuse me.
Prof. Cruise looks so young and hip that college guys kept asking her back to their staterooms to show her their view (wait, you have an interior!). She just smiled and said, “you’re going to be embarrassed when you walk into my class next semester.” None of that actually happened, of course, but it’s the kind of thing Prof. Cruise daydreams about while applying Preparation H.
Daddy’s the kind of guy who doesn’t like outside and wears long black dress socks to the beach. My Gigi likes to joke that when they took daddy camping as a kid his eyes never left his book until it was time to pack up and go home. Then, he broke the sound barrier with his eagerness to get the H-E-double-hockey-sticks outta there. And let’s just say dad prefers camping to cruising (the food’s better).
The nice thing about this guy though, he’s a really kick A-double-S daddy and mostly he just wants to do what makes his family happy, even if it’s a boring cruise. Plus, he’s a big spender. Not really, but he’s not as cheap as Prof. Cruise and keeps me in Mocha Chocolate Getaways.
Grandma and I go way back. I gave her my very first sticky high five fresh out the womb and by this time we’d been cruising together for, like, 4 months. She totally gets me. Sometimes I wish Prof. Cruise was (more) unfit so grandma could raise me as her own. She knows lots of songs and jokes and I’d get cheese and sherbet 24/7.
Our rooms were U12 and U16. Both interior portholes. If you read my review of the Freedom, you know that on my first “big boat,” we had a balcony which grandma and Prof. Cruise totally hogged. Since I hardly ever got to chill there anyway, I didn’t miss it one bit.
Surprisingly, Prof. Cruise didn’t really miss it either – she thought the porthole rooms were an amazing value. Instead we got this awesome little cave with two steering wheels that doubled as windows. I drove them like a car and kept watch for pirates. One slipped past me and took mom captive in the MDR (see above) though. Oops.
I did miss the fridge full of “happy juice” we had on the Freedom. I had to request some ice to keep my beers cold. The multiple reading lights right at my level almost made up for it though. On, off, on, off, on, off, on, off. Prof. Cruise left me in the room while she got a 3 hour massage at the spa and when she returned: on, off, on, off, on, off. Saved her $6 an hour for babysitting.
I can’t convince anyone to buy me cigarettes, so I have no position on the epic war of the Carnival smoking policy, but I will say that our rooms smelled very smoky. I’ll leave it up to you as to whether that’s a good thing (sweet, light up and blame it on poor ventilation or your neighbor) or a bad thing (I’m never leaving my house again if I get within 12 miles of those cancer sticks). In any case, here’s a photo of my room – check what’s on the TV. Teehee.
Note that in 2015 the Sensation hadn’t switched over to the new menus yet in the main dining room (MDR), so some of these items are no longer available. But we can wax nostalgic about the good old days as a puddle of drool drowns our keyboards.
Also, by way of review, Prof. Cruise and I are vegetarians and if grandma eats any more fish she might sprout fins and swim away. Lucky for you, I’ve added a new character to this installment, daddy, and as such, a fresh perspective on dining.
So, here’s what you need to know about dad and food. He likes to think of himself as a foodie, but Prof. Cruise thinks of him more as a Picky Parker. Sometimes we have competitions to see who can throw our green vegetables the farthest and yell in unison “NO MAMA.” Daddy really loves good food, though. In fact it’s one of the few things he enjoys about vacation. This concerned mommy, so she warned him to keep his expectations low – I mean not everything can be Golden Corral and it’s certainly no Olive Garden (those are seriously her favorites, don’t judge). Without further adieu…
Prof. Cruise’s favorite. Our head waiter Everton convinced grandma to get them too. I like any waiter who encourages gluttony.
Fool me once, shame on (there’s a George Bush quote here somewhere)… Anyway, Prof. Cruise didn’t like these the first time and didn’t like them the second time. She’ll order them again though, mark my words. Which is why when I say, “I promise I’ll never color on the walls again,” she believes me and turns over custody of my markers. Short memory.
Didja? Grandma did! And thought it was pretty good.
Daddy heard all kinds of great things about the sushi on Carnival and then chickened out. Grandma went for it and liked it. In case you haven’t noticed, grandma pretty much likes everything she tries.
Daddy didn’t make a face, so it must have been okay.
Prof. Cruise thinks I was born yesterday. I almost have a full set of teeth, lady! Speaking of which she does this thing where she throws anything I won’t eat or can’t eat due to lack of chomping capabilities into the blender and calls it “soup.” If that wasn’t bad enough, she was a little worried about how I would behave in the MDR and tried to pull a bunch of cons on me.
So, the fruit soups are pretty kick butt anyway, but Prof. Cruise wanted me to be so into them that I wouldn’t throw stuff and hear all the “grown up talk” – even GRANDMA was shocked! – going on at the table of 11 ROTC guys sitting next to us. (They started out so adorable and innocent in their matching khaki’s and Hawaiian shirts. We’re glad they had fun tough – they deserve it!) Anyway, Prof. Cruise tried to convince me I was getting “ice cream soup.” Almost worked too. Almost.
There was a mango cream “ice cream” soup too. And an asparagus one. Asparagus ice cream soup? Seriously? It stopped working after the first day, so Prof. Cruise was busy dodging flying cutlery and couldn’t snap photos of those.
Can’t go wrong. Unless you hate tomatoes like every kid everywhere.
Prof. Cruise thought the hot soups were much better on the Sensation than they were on the Freedom. Less salty and really flavorful and delicious. Note that Prof. Cruise refuses to eat with anything but this little red plastic spoon.
This is also available as an entree. Dad cleaned his plate.
There must be, like, 600 million photos of this on the internet by now. Make that 600 million and 1!
Prof. Cruise thought it was a little “blah.” She has such a sophisticated vocabulary!
First, a word about our wait staff. If grandma was my first great love Art, our head waiter on the Freedom, was my second. He brought me all my favorite foods and taught me Gangnum dancing. Eh – sexy lady and so on. I’ve been talking about him non-stop ever since. When I heard we were going on another “big boat,” I got all excited to give him and Florin, his assistant, sticky high fives. When I found out we’d have “a different Art” on our next “big boat” – I just assumed it would be his clone or something. It worked on that Dolly, why not Art?
So, I sit down at dinner, don my best car bib give a “sup” to the ROTC fellas, make some initial demands of Prof. Cruise, and over walks this dude who did all the same things as Art, but who didn’t look a thing like Art. Like, not a thing. If you paid for a human clone, get your money back, people. Or don’t. Because I liked this Everton and his assistant Juka just as much as Art and Florin.
In addition to bringing me cheese and orange sherbet and giving me lots of high fives, Everton laughed at all my jokes. He had this fabulous, genuine laugh – Prof. Cruise loved it. And her eyes lit up when he offered to keep me on the big boat with him. Prof. Cruise was a little too eager to get his stateroom number and make arraignments to drop me off. We were both disappointed to learn Everton was bluffing – sure, it’s all fun and games until you have to live with one of me.
Onto the entrées. Let’s begin with the grilled flat iron steak. I’m only going to include one photo of this, but you should know that daddy ordered it 3 out of the 4 nights. I’ll show you why in a second.
This was a winning recipe from the 5th Bacardi competition in the Italian category, from chef Ajay Nair. It was also the reason daddy ordered the grilled flat iron steak for our remaining 2 nights. No offense to the judges or to chef Nair, but daddy spit this out in his napkin.
Take a guess at who ordered this?
Prof. Cruise didn’t like this much on the Freedom, but LOVED it on the Sensation. So much better! I guess the lesson here is that booze cruises serve the best food. Or, rather, that drinking makes food taste better.
Prof. Cruise makes me eat the grossest crap at home. But on vacation she let’s me eat quality food, like this…
Prof Cruise loved this, but wishes she had ordered two. It’s pretty small.
This was on the everyday menu. So if you wanted to be like daddy with his steak, you could.
Prof. Cruise ordered this twice and loved it, so, so much. Please, if you’re going on a “big boat” anytime soon, bring some back for her in your luggage. Wait, why wouldn’t that work out?
Here’s the second version. It’s served with rice and 3 relishes too. But Prof. Cruise couldn’t wait around to take another photo. Oink.
This may be the first time you’re seeing this – I hear it’s not a very popular selection.
When Prof. Cruise asked for the dessert menu before we’d even ordered our appetizers, Everton laughed, thinking she was joking. That was one instance when Prof. Cruise did not enjoy his laugh.
Saving the best for last.
To Prof. Cruise’s credit, she figured since she’d ordered two desserts she’d only go with the one ice cream with her warm chocolate melting cake. Actually she was too embarrassed to order the extra ice cream on top of the extra dessert. In retrospect she should have made daddy do it and then swapped with him. Live and learn and cruise on!
And the moment you’ve all been waiting for!
Don’t I look content? Terrible twos? Whaaaat?
Next up, Sea Day Brunch, featuring two more of my favorites: noodles and pancakes. And more dessert.
Carnival’s sea day brunch is one of Prof. Cruise’s favorite things, so she didn’t want me to ruin it. How rude (read like that kid from “Full House”). Her plan was to give me one chance and at the first sign of trouble (who H?) she’d dump me on those poor souls up at Camp Carnival (talk about the lowest rung on the Carnival career totem poll – wonder what they did to deserve that). I lasted all of about .00002 seconds, so dad offered to run me up. Well it was 8:30am and camp didn’t open until 10am. LOL – suckas! Prof. Cruise’s reservoir of patience still had a few drops left, so I was allowed to stay. I guess I need to try harder next time.
Anyway, the menu looked pretty good – as I mentioned it had some of my favorites, noodles and pancakes and desserts to boot, but shoot (in honor of Dr. Seuss who would NOT be making an appearance at this brunch…read on), I kept waiting for The Cat and Sam to come out. And they never did. I thought the crowd looked a little uptight and there wasn’t a single giant hat or pair of colorful suspenders or miserable husband trying to be a good sport in his “Thing 2” shirt, but I held out hope until my last bite of Prof. Cruise’s food. Now what would you do if this happened to you?
So for you fellow Seuss fans out there, sad news – there was no sign of him on the Sensation yet. That didn’t stop Prof. Cruise from ordering the fruit loop french toast though (and me from stealing them)!
AKA noodles. Because who can pronounce that? Certainly not Prof. Cruise!
More noodles! With cheese!
We don’t let grandma’s healthy ways cramp our style.
Here’s proof that we don’t only eat on the “big boat,” we drink too. At least when daddy’s credit card is linked to our sail and sign card!
An odd couple, but a match made in heaven. And if you’re not hyper enough after your french toast…
and…
AKA Prof. Cruise’s not-so-secret lover.
Next up, Lido Buffet, the Carnival Sensation deli, and Pizza Pirate.
If I look a little tentative here, it’s because I kept hearing Prof. Cruise tell daddy (with regard to the Lido buffet) to “dig a hole and bury those expectations good and deep.” I don’t know what “expectations” is, but I hope daddy unearthed my drum set while he was digging.
Anyway, if you like raisins as much as I do, you’ll have no trouble finding something for lunch. I asked Prof. Cruise what she thought of the Lido and she said “slightly better than Golden Corral.” To clarify, that’s a ringing endorsement! Daddy stuck to burgers and pizza and, as such, didn’t spit anything out in his napkin.
Pay attention Golden Corral!
The best part about the Lido: sweet spot! Daddy was convinced every dessert was pudding molded to look deceptively like other desserts. Prof. Cruise and I agree that all-you-can-eat molded pudding is far better than no molded pudding at all.
Prof. Cruise doesn’t have a single photo of me in her office, but she got this next shot blown up poster size and hung it above her desk (true story). She wanted a nice photo of grandma from the back (that’s her in the green shirt), I guess.
Hang on while I Google how to spell focacha…
Okay, that was the arugula, roasted peppers and mozzarella on foccacia.
Hang on again while I Google how to spell rubin…
Okay, here’s the grilled reuben.
When we sailed the Freedom she had just received the “2.0” upgrades. So when I saw the Sensation would be going through dry doc right before we sailed, I thought, “those drunk college students are really going to make for an entertaining Dr. Seuss parade.” But instead of Seuss at Sea, breakfast burritos, and the Guy’s toppings bar, we got new carpet (mainly in the stateroom hallways), upholstery, gym equipment, and Playlist Productions.
Mom was so disappointed she only spent 30 minutes total in the gym out of protest (right…more about the gym in a second). If you’ve been on the Sensation recently and noticed anything else new, chime in, but that’s all our post dry dock scavenger hunt revealed.
Prof. Cruise goes to the gym regularly at home because she eats a. lot. and it’s easier to cruise if she can board without a crane. But because she only had 4 shoooooort days on the Carnival Sensation she could only waste 30 minutes of it deflowering one of the new bikes with a nice sweat shower (more about showers in a minute).
The Sensation gym is located at the front of the ship. The giant windows provide a beautiful view, but let in too much sun and heat for Prof. Cruise’s liking. Plus, the machines have TV’s, so who’s gonna look out there anyway.
Here are a few shots of the new Sensation gym equipment. Avoid that first bike (see above).
Prof. Cruise has such a potty mouth. She talked to me about that thing non-stop before this cruise. It’s almost like she was sick of changing my diapers. Here’s her last ditch effort to train me at the airport before we boarded the Sensation.
Better pack those diapers, Prof.
Some people, like Prof. Cruise, who are too cheap to pay for any services, come to the spa exclusively for the larger showers, but some people come for the toilets. While I understand that “everybody poops” and “it’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” some of the younger women on our ship who still had “mystery” in their relationships escaped to the spa to do their “business.”
No problem, except that the showers and toilets are in the same small room. Add hot steam to a small room with toilets and, well…you get the picture. Shower in your stateroom on the Sensation, people. Or better yet, poop in your stateroom. Trust me, soon you won’t even bother to close the door. Then you’ll have your very own “H” and an audience for all your bathroom activities. High five!
Next up, Playlist Productions. I shouldn’t have positioned this right after the potty, because, well, they weren’t that bad.
Prof. Cruise and grandma saw two shows: Studio VIP and 88 Keys. Those two have done Broadway together several times and this, my “big boat” friends, is no Great White Way. But that’s why your whole freakin cruise costs less than one ticket to Hamilton! Still, after “Studio VIP” mom thought she might just sit out by the Lido pool to watch the Greek (life) mating dance for her nightly entertainment.
Luckily she gave it one more try and thought “88 Keys” was very well done and enjoyable. The talent wasn’t quite as, well, talented as on the Freedom, but they weren’t bad either. Here’s Josh, AKA, “big sexy,” our cruise director and some other guy warming up the crowd.
The thing Prof. Cruise actually enjoyed the most was the piano bar entertainer, Christine. She performed right before “88 Keys.” Now she was talented, had a great personality, and was way more “big sexy” than big sexy. Prof. Cruise had sort of a lady crush on her and it almost made her wish she could stay up past 9:30pm to take daddy on their first real date in 2 years (total coincidence…I have NOTHING to do with that) to see her perform in her regular venue. Here she is. If you go on the Sensation, get her number for Prof. Cruise.
Instead of throwing my food on the floor, Prof. Cruise prefers I say, “no thank you.” Well when it comes to trivia and art lectures, “no thank you.” I have zero interest in anything that feels like work on vacation. And clearly, neither did anyone else on our Booze Cruise.
However, if you’re kinda dumb like Prof. Cruise and want to win a “ship on a stick,” the Sensation over Spring Break might be your best shot. Prof. Cruise was the only one who showed up and she still didn’t win. Just kidding. You believed me though, didn’t you? I won’t tell Prof. Cruise. Seriously though, we walked past trivia one day and there were only two people playing. And they were related. We know what’s going up on their mantle next to the talking taxidermy fish!
Grandma attended two art lectures. She thought they were interesting. At the first one, there were only three people in attendance and she won the raffle! She selected a piece of art, but no one ever showed up at the specified times so she could pick it up (boo). Don’t worry, Prof. Cruise will blow up another photo of the “Sweet Spot” for her bare wall. At the second lecture, she was the only one! Um, awkward!
Let’s talk about something more interesting. Waterworks!
This was awesome! However, even with the 12 inch heals I borrowed from one of my college friends, I wasn’t tall enough for the slides. Still, it was fun to watch the older kids and adults (who had better things to do than attend an art lecture), go down them. Plus there was water shooting out all over and I got to kick it and punch it and splash around and stuff. Way fun!
I put these two together because when Prof. Cruise wants some alone time, she sends me to Camp Carnival and daddy to the Casino. I don’t mind, she’s kind of boring anyway, but sometimes I scream just to make her feel like a bad mom.
Prof. Cruise doesn’t get gambling. At all. She hates loud noises and bright lights and colors, anything that resembles a video or computer game, and most of all, losing money. Plus, she can’t do basic math. Still, she’s mad she never gets a Casino offer from Carnival in the mail. Uh, hello!?! Maybe step foot in the place?
Daddy, on the other hand, loves Blackjack almost as much as he hates the outdoors. He’s really good at it and knows how to count cards (shhhh). Actually, Prof. Cruise thinks it might be kind of sexy and glamorous if he got kicked out of a Casino like Ben Affleck. I guess you probably have to take the place for more than, like, 50 bucks though. Still, his brief rendezvous with the Club Vegas Casino yielded enough paper to cover all our on-board expenses (minus tips). High five, daddy!
I should mention that daddy probably would have spent more time in there, but every time he walked by, no one was dealing any of the games he wanted to play. He didn’t discover until the last day that you could request a table be opened.
The adult to toddler ratio of 3 to 1 on this trip made the need for Camp Carnival slightly less desperate. I did get dumped in there some though. Prof. Cruise tried to talk it up just like she talks up my “school” (read as: daycare). Seriously, mom, I know you only send me there because it’s illegal to leave me home alone in front of the TV while you “work.” Like school, I put up a bit of a fuss at first, but was happy when Prof. Cruise picked me up.
The facility itself was much smaller and older than the one on the Freedom, but the counselors were nice and the activities fun.
Here’s me checking the place out with daddy.
And here was the schedule of activities:
Starting with the bad and the ugly…
Or proof that you can have a bad day on a “big boat.” So there was this dude who spilled his coffee while trying to balance it against a giant plate of food (for which he spent a good long time in line waiting) while opening the heavy door to the outside dining area on the Lido. He set his breakfast down on a table and returned inside to refill his coffee. Well before that heavy door could even slam shut, the Seagulls of Anarchy swooped down and devoured his breakfast. True story. And you thought chair hogs were evil.
Now I’m usually one to avoid controversy (I hope this won’t stop you from giving me a high five when you see me) but, seriously, would you rather have this:
or this…
Carnival changed their loyalty program right before our sailing so that instead of a free cocktail at the sea day brunch, we got a free bottle of water.
I bet we can all agree on one thing though: debarkation sucks.
Prof. Cruise threw a huge tantrum (she didn’t want to leave the “big boat”) before she even saw the line to disembark. Then she saw the GIANT self-assist line and worried we’d miss our 9:30am shuttle.
And worst of all…we made our shuttle and had to go home.
It was a booze cruise – use your imagination. But in case you don’t have an imagination…
a lot of people lost their shoes – including Prof. Cruise. Long story (that Prof. Cruise has forbidden me from sharing unless I want to take up permanent residence in my time-out chair) short, mom had to walk from the Lido to our room sans shoes and stepped in many, many mystery wet spots.
Shhhhhhhhhow time (read in a dramatic whisper). That’s how the maître ‘d announced the show was about to begin in the MDR each night. It was the highlight of dinner for our ROTC friends and if imitation is flattery, the Sensation’s maître ‘d should be VERY flattered. It was also my cue to start singing the ABC’s. Shhhhhhhhow time.
Amelia Earhart said that “a single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.”
Meet Everton Bear (named after Everton, our head waiter in the MDR):
Booze cruises aren’t just full of young people yelling their conversations like the person they’re talking to is still on land, searching for their shoes, and praying as they disembark that they don’t end up with an “H” in 9 months, they are also full of kind strangers, like the woman who gave me Everton Bear after donating $10 to St. Jude’s.
If you believe Amelia Earhart and also think that “children are our future” (Prof. Cruise, please let Whitney RIP and stop butchering her songs at karaoke), I promise to make it one where we’re a little kinder to each other, even if you prefer free water in your stateroom and I prefer a free drink at Sea Day Brunch.
Now let’s all go for a drink!
Class Dismissed.
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