Breaking News: Carnival Ship Brigs Overflowing With Bikini Clad Hogs (satire)

Crackdown on Chair Hogs Leads to Ugly Confrontations on Carnival Ships

A recent crackdown on chair hogs has created an untenable situation on many Carnival cruises. Witnesses across the line’s ships describe irate cruisers returning to their poolside loungers to find their belongings gone and these stickers:

Ensuing confrontations with ship security personnel have resulted in brigs overflowing with obstinate bikini clad [chair] hogs. As the first detainees are starting to be transferred into custody on land, reports of overcrowding and squalid conditions are emerging as Carnival seems to have been caught unprepared for the fallout from their updated enforcement policy.

Affected Cruisers Speak Out

Two cruisers just off the Mardi Gras and Sunshine used their one phone call to contact me with these harrowing descriptions of what happened to them onboard:

I only left my lounger for nine hours to get three meals from the buffet, play bingo, participate in my roll call group’s bar crawl, collect my free charm from the Effy shop, illegally smoke a pack of cigarettes on my cabin balcony, and visit guest services to complain about my neighbor complaining about my smoking. And when I return, all my valuables – most notably my plastic flamingo towel clips, Banana Boat sunscreen, and copy of “The Bull Rider’s Christmas Baby” – are gone! And in their place? A sticker accusing me of being a horse’s ass! I mean, can you blame me for throwing a few punches?! -Peppa P.

Conditions in the brig were gruesome. Can you imagine being crammed into an 8 X 10 cell with one exposed toilet in the corner and dozens of bloated swine, busting out of swimwear that was a size too small when they embarked six meals ago and at varying degrees of intoxication? And for what? Just because I wanted my beer koozie to have a nice view of the pool for an afternoon! Shame on you, Carnival! [This source wanted to remain anonymous, but did give me permission to disclose that her boyfriend is the famous amphibian actor, Kermit.]

Updates to Carnival’s Website Explain the Crackdown

So how did all of this happen? With regard to the line’s policy on reserving sun loungers, Carnival’s website was recently updated to read:

Carnival Declines to Comment

Carnival declined to comment for this piece. However, when pressed, a spokesman for the line apologized for the horse’s ass stickers, accusing certain cruise directors of going rogue and asking for understanding: “Working with the public is one thing, but spending 24/7 for months on end with the cruising public is quite another.”

Will More Carnival Cruisers Jump Ship?

Time will tell if this ramped up enforcement will cause even more Carnival cruisers to jump ship following a rash of recent cuts and changes on the line.

In other, possibly related, cruise news, Royal Caribbean just launched a new marketing campaign today for their newest ship. A press release reads:

Our newest ship will be the first to welcome both civilized humans and hogs alike. And note that Icon of the Seas will feature enough poolside loungers for every embarking pair of sunglasses, trashy romance novel, tube of sunscreen, travel mug, sun hat, and set of dentures.

Will this be enough to lure disgruntled Carnival cruisers over to the line? We’ll see. And with that…

Class Dismissed!

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