The Best Hotel for Kids in Downtown Portland

This week my T.A. “H” and I are taking to the highway to launch our new lecture series, “the best road trips from Seattle.” You’ll find it rife with college exploits and raucous misadventures.   Oh wait, that’s the movie “Road Trip.”  My version is more, “mom, are we there yet?” to which I reply, “we haven’t even exited our parking garage!” while thinking to myself, “now I remember why I said I’d never do this again.”  Trust me, just stay home and rent the movie.

Too late for us though, after approximately 32 bathroom breaks, we’re here in Portland.  A relatively painless 3-hour drive (or train or bus ride) from Seattle for the average adult equipped with a bag of vegan gas station snacks and a stereo belting indie-rock.

You Know You’re in Portland When…

You’ll know you’ve reached Portland when the most common hair color is rainbow and jeans are too short on the bottom and too high on the top.  And if you’re in the unfortunate situation of needing a hotel friendly to your spawn – with the too short pants not in the name of hipster fashion but because he outgrows them faster than you can source a longer pair from Goodwill – well pay attention to today’s topic: The Best Hotel for Kids in Downtown Portland.  Or if you’re fortunate enough to be on this trip kid-free but like free donuts in the morning and free cookies in the evening, well it’s for you too. 

The best thing about having a teaching assistant is that they can fill in for you when you’re in the middle of a Netflix marathon, I mean sick, very very sick, and you can make them wheel your luggage around when you travel together.

This Way to the Hampton Inn and Suites, Pearl District, H!

You know you’re getting close when you pass by the Adler Street Food Cart pod, the largest concentration of food carts in downtown Portland.  Try not to get overwhelmed by the choices and spend the rest of your vacation there in deep deliberation like this guy, though. 

We arrived at the Hampton Inn and Suites Pearl District at 11:00am to the friendly desk staff, one of whom checked us in but told us that there wasn’t currently a standard double queen room ready.  He took our number and said he’d call as soon as one became available. 

I think management feared we’d completely drain the joint of hot chocolate packets and lollipops while we waited, because 5 minutes later, just as I started losing my pants to the weight of my pockets overflowing with complimentary items without a stated maximum per person (I had to make that point somewhat forcefully to my T.A. when he tried to tell me I’d had my share), the phone rang to inform us that, miraculously, our room was ready. 

An Unfortunate Room with a View

I’m sure it’s a coincidence that they located us on the highest possible floor (the 8^th), in the furthest possible room away from a long elevator ride down to the free stuff.  But the secret to a great vacation is finding something positive in even the most dismal of circumstances.  So while it felt like I should cross a finish line to a cheering crowd and receive a metal for all the distance I covered getting to the warm complimentary cookies delivered to a waiting Prof. Cruise at the front desk at precisely 5pm each evening, I’ll admit that we did enjoy the view from our room. 

But isn’t this an even better view…

And if you’re lucky enough to snag a lower floor, you can still enjoy the view on the rooftop terrace (8^th floor, follow the signs).  There are a few downsides to the terrace – a lack of covered areas, which makes it impossible to use on frequent rainy days in the Portland winter and the lack of a fire pit, which I could have sworn I saw in advertising for the hotel.  Otherwise, it’s a nice spot to enjoy a hot beverage in the winter or a cold beverage in the summer or to eat your plastic bag dinner.

A Buffet Breakfast and a Plastic Bag Dinner

I may forget deodorant 100% of the time when I travel, but I never forget a supply of plastic baggies to smuggle out items from the breakfast buffet.  And I have to say, this Hampton Inn and Suites had an exceptionally good breakfast buffet which led to an exceptionally good plastic bag dinner.  Think peanut butter, Nutella, and banana sandwiches and bathtub donuts for dessert (more on those later).

Hot breakfast items rotated each day, but always included eggs of some sort, a meat item, and usually breakfast potatoes.  One day there were breakfast burritos and another biscuits and gravy.  Regular items included oatmeal with a toppings bar, a variety of cereals, bread, bagels with low fat or regular cream cheese, English muffins, pastry muffins, donuts sourced from a local donut shop, waffles with different sauces and toppings, both cut and whole fruit, and several flavors of yogurt (Greek and regular). 

And how do you know you’re at a breakfast buffet in Portland?  Four different varieties of non-dairy milk available (soy, almond, rice, and coconut) and this:

Bathtub Donuts

My T.A. “H” retired each evening at 7pm, exhausted after a long day of getting lost despite my insisting, “let’s just keep going a little further – I have a feeling it’s just around this next bend.”  Followed by, “don’t worry, I’m sure someone at this homeless camp can point us in the direction of a shelter in case we never find the hotel again.” 

So as not to disturb him, I retreated to the bathroom to retrieve my stash of donuts and cookies hidden in a nook behind an extra roll of toilet paper and proceeded to devour them – quicker than a certain blue television monster with a sweet tooth of his own – in the tub.  Should you mistakenly think I’m incorporating a bit of fiction for comedic effect:

Which brings us to a few design flaws in our room.

Think Like a Mom (Just Not This Mom)

One time I thought it would be a good idea to buy a white rug and pale colored cloth dining chairs for the apartment I share with a kid who thinks taking a bath once a week is excessive and a dog you might mistake for a dirty mop if you saw him laying on the floor near a bucket.  Why?  Because they looked nice.  For three minutes.

Which is why I know exactly what the mind of the designer who thought it a good idea to put a non-locking barn style sliding door on a hotel bathroom was thinking: “this would look so cool and trendy!”  Yes, until your kid wonders what you’re doing in the bathroom for so long every night and slides that door right open to find you in a tub of donuts.  Trendy, yes.  Practical, no.

There’s also a motion sensor on the light switch in said bathroom that automatically causes the light to come on before you have the chance to slide the barn door closed.  So when you’re getting up for the sixth time to pee at night because of all the makeshift mochas (coffee mixed with a pack of hot chocolate powder) you drank with your donuts, the rest of the room wakes up too. 

Despite these few mildly annoying design choices, we loved the style and features of our standard room with two queen beds.

When you’re not drinking coffee or lying on the bed watching TV (in addition to a wide variety of channels, there are a number of streaming apps available such as Netflix if you have a subscription), you might check out some of the other amenities the hotel has to offer.

Pool/Basketball Court/Water Park

This is one of the best hotel pools I’ve ever seen. It’s huge with a shallow kids area on one end with a slide, whale, and water features you can either leave off for kids who don’t like to be splashed or turn on for a full water park experience. In the deeper end (just shy of 4 feet) there’s a basketball hoop with floating basketballs available to shoot hoops. We spent hours in here each afternoon. And when we got tired, we went to the gym to rest.

The Lounge AKA the Gym

I mean, if you’re one of those fit people who use a gym for its intended purpose, here’s what’s available in addition to the above pictured sedentary treadmills and elliptical machines. Towels, water, and disposable headphones are also available. Bring your own orange Speedo and pink iPad though.

Location, Location, Location. Did I Mention Location?

This Hampton Inn and Suites is located in the heart of the Pearl District of downtown Portland. It’s close to the Amtrak station as well as numerous MAX and streetcar lines. Despite a certain directionally challenged cruise-loving professor holding the map app, we easily made it to the Zoo, Portland Children’s Museum, Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, World Forestry Center, Powell’s Books, and Finnegan’s Toys and Gifts without a car.

Free Wifi

And finally, should your midlife crisis result in a hastily thought out second career as a sub-par travel blogger, you’ll be heartened to know there’s free wifi. I may or may not be using it to post this right now.

And should you wish to book the best hotel for kids in downtown Portland for yourself under the guise that it’s for your kids, you may do so here. At $724.18 all in for six nights, we found it a most economical and enjoyable stay. Come for the pool, stay for the bathtub donuts!

Class dismissed.

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