15 Tips for Staying Fit on a Cruise Ship

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Text that reads: tips for staying fit on a cruise ship. Below the text is a graphic cruise ship with a woman on top balancing a bowl of mac n cheese on one arm and a bowl of mashed potatoes on the other arm while stretching.

People always ask me how I stay so fit while cruising for a living (truth bomb: not a single person has ever asked me that).  So I’ve compiled my 15 best tried and tested tips for staying fit on a cruise ship. 

*Disclaimer: It’s best not to consult with your doctor before trying this cruise ship fitness program.

1. Test out the motion sensor on the elevator.  If it doesn’t work, you’ll instantly lose 3 inches from your beer belly.

The inside of an elevator.

2. Find the motivation to run by busting into the security office and attempting to steal all the confiscated booze.

A woman wearing a jacket that reads, "security."

3. Wear an offensive political mask and bait a lib or a red hat into wrestling you.

4. Keep your fingers nimble by pushing every button in the elevator each time you get on.

Elevator buttons from 1-29.

5. Construct a makeshift set of dumbbells at the buffet by piling 10 pounds of mac n cheese on one plate and 10 pounds of mashed potatoes on another. 

A woman stretching while she balances mac n cheese on one arm and mashed potatoes on the other arm.

6. Need even more motivation to run? Book an independent shore excursion scheduled to drop you back off at your ship 10 minutes before sail away.

A cruise ship docked at a pier with a graphic of a person running toward it. Four thought bubbles coming from the cruise ship read: "Bob, film this for our YouTube channel!," "pier runnin 3 o'clock!," "run, Forrest, run!", and "wait, isn't that Prof. Cruise?"

7. Chug 3-5 specialty coffees prior to the sail away party to increase your stamina on the dance floor.

Two Starbucks frozen drinks.

8. Swimming is great exercise!  But skip the boring laps and volunteer for the belly flop contest!

A cartoon of a man belly flopping into a body of water.

9. Stick to frozen cocktails – your body burns more calories trying to stay warm. 

A woman drinking a frozen cocktail.

10. Wait until the last day to visit guest services (you’ll be standing…in line…a looooong time).

A long line of people waiting for guest services.

11. Make a friend (with benefits) at the solo gathering.

A woman in a red dress sitting on a cushion with a seductive expression on her face with a thought bubble that reads, "cruise here often?"

12. Have your cabin steward separate the queen bed into two singles, so you can jump from one to the other.  Weeeeeeee!

A boy jumping from one cruise ship bed to another.

13. Practice your karate moves on unruly kids.

A man doing a karate kick near a young boy wearing braces and looking innocent.

14. Book a mega ship and spend half your cruise wandering around looking for the skydiving simulator (I never did find it on the Ovation of the Seas).

A graphic of a person in a maze with a thought bubble that reads, "where am I?"

15. Run over to a window every time someone says they see wildlife even though you NEVER see any.

A cartoon woman running toward a window with a whale tail sticking up out of the ocean.

I hope you found these tips – approved by no expert anywhere – helpful!  Be sure to share anything I missed in the comments. 

And with that…

Class Dismissed.

Homework (10 points): Check out the 10 Things I Wish I’d Known Before My First Cruise. And be sure to follow Prof. Cruise on social media:

Pinterest

Twitter (@cruiseprof)

Instagram (@profcruise)

Facebook

TikTok (profcruise)

YouTube 

*Real disclaimer: As a college professor, I once had a student include an Onion article as part of a literature review. As such, I feel it prudent to point out that this entire post is satire. Please do not try any of these things to stay fit on on a cruise ship. Or include this article in an academic paper and claim that a professor recommended it.

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