Prof. Cruise’s Review of a Standard Balcony Cabin on Princess

This is the first in a series I’ll be writing about my recent sailing aboard the Golden Princess, including a full ship review, so be sure to check back.

In this case, the standard balcony cabin was on the Golden Princess, one of three ships in the grand class.  The other two being the Grand Princess and the Star Princess. Let’s begin with a tour of the room to get you oriented:

Why I booked Cabin L202 on the Golden Princess

Stateroom L202 is located on the Lido deck.  The Lido is also known as deck 14 – to allow the superstitious to enjoy the pools and buffet – even though it’s actually on deck 13. 

I booked this room for three reasons.  First, it’s located all the way at the front of the ship with a clear view inside the bridge. 

It’s long been my dream to marry a cruise ship captain and with binoculars I could scan Aldo Traverso’s desk for personal affects to determine his relationship status and find out what he likes to drink: “can I buy you a Pepsi captain?”

Plus, I took a sailing class only a decade ago, so I could step in to steer the ship in the opposite direction of Vancouver should he fall ill due to a little something I snuck in that Pepsi to save us all the trouble of returning home (you’re welcome): “wait where’s the tiller on this thing?”

Second, L202 is positioned on the same level as the buffet, meaning I wouldn’t have to get any exercise going back and forth from my balcony to the dessert station. 

Third, balcony rooms were only $100 more than inside cabins, my regular cabin of choice, on this sailing.  People feel almost as strongly about their preferred stateroom category as they do about smoking polies and their favorite line: Carnival!  No, too rowdy.  Holland!  No, to stuffy.  NCL!  Are you crazy, I like dining at the same table every night.  Celebrity!  

Personally, I prefer whichever one I’m on.  And this time I was on Princess.  So, Princess!   

After booking balconies, ocean views, and insides multiple times each, I’ve settled snuggly in camp “inside.”  They are cozy and dark and I feel like I’m bedding down in a warm cave to hibernate for the winter.  Trust me, you’ll never sleep better than in an inside cabin on a cruise ship.  And that’s all I really use my cabin for anyway. 

There are so many lovely and quiet public spots to sit outside – there’s no need, in my estimation, for a private balcony.  Plus insides are a great value.  With patience and a little shopping around, inside cabins typically run me less than $100 per person per night. And you’re eating the same food, enjoying the same entertainment, and have access to the same gorgeous views and activities at port as those paying much more for a higher category stateroom. 

But you may disagree – feel free to argue passionately for your preference in the comments and I’ll hear you out before punching you.  Wait, what is this, Carnival? 

Just kidding, I love Carnival and have only ever been involved in one drunken brawl.  And she had it coming – she shouldn’t have been looking at my husband the way I look at the Captain.

Anyway, $100 felt like a small difference in cost for a view of Captain Traverso, so I broke my longest ever streak of insides and booked a balcony.

Balcony Cabins on the Lido Deck of the Golden Princess: A Voyeurs Delight

This section will be useful to both voyeurs and those who’d prefer to avoid voyeurs when selecting a balcony cabin for their cruise aboard a grand class ship, such as the Golden Princes. In addition to sights of the bridge, L202 and every other balcony cabin on the Lido, Aloha, and Baja decks also enjoy a view of these lower balconies (although you have to stand up and peer over the edge to see them).  Personally, I’d prefer not to speculate as to whether that intensely passionate couple is honeymooning or cheating.  Although I would like to know: “hey, you down there, where did you get your cute bra and panty set?”

But I was lucky enough to have a balcony only viewable from the bridge where I was hoping a certain someone would notice my cute bra and panty set.  “Hello!  Over here, Big Boy!”   

Standard Balcony Size, Configuration, and Features on the Golden Princess

The balcony itself was surprisingly spacious.  It was deep and plenty long to comfortably fit two reclining chairs and a small circular table with room to walk around them.  The front of the balcony was glass, allowing for ocean and port views while seated and a dividing wall fully obstructed the balcony of my next door neighbor.  That didn’t stop me from shouting over, “do you have a spare spoon you could pass under this thing?” upon realizing I had no way to eat the three desserts I’d precariously balanced all the way from the International Café on floor 5. 

Overall the balcony was in very good condition with the only exception being some rust on the overhang and on the small table.

One of the best features of the balcony design was the sliding door.  My experience with balcony cabins on other lines has been that they have swinging doors that are dangerously heavy.  I’ve often wondered how many fingers have to be reattached down in the medical unit each sailing as a result of those doors being slammed shut by a naughty child trying to lock his mom out there so he can hit the clubs instead of going to bed.  If you see “H,” my naughty child who doubles as my travel/teaching assistant at the Skywalkers Nightclub, please come and rescue me. 

But thankfully, the sliding doors on the Golden Princess are easy to operate and nice to leave cracked open a bit at night in order to fall asleep to the sound of the ocean without worrying about them slamming.

Overall, I loved the balcony even though I never sat out there due to high winds and brisk temps.

Balcony Grade: A-

Comment: Nothing a little whiteout can’t fix.

Beds on the Grand Princess

I was so happy to have the bed to myself, I barely noticed how soft and lumpy it was.  I’ve found Princess mattresses firm and comfortable in the past, but this one was an exception.  I also kept getting tangled up in the bedding as the duvet insert separated too easily from the cover.  My room steward actually gave up trying to put it back together after the mess I made with it and stuck the insert under the bed, leaving me with two thin sheets. 

I didn’t figure this out until waking in the night to a case of the shivers worse than that time I had to pry a petrified rat out of the mouth of a dog I was sitting with my bare hands, fearing I’d have to break the news to his mom that Ernie had been stricken with plague (lest you think living in downtown Seattle would be glamorous). 

Thankfully, I’m mom to a 6 year-old and, as such, an experienced seeker.  Upon lifting up the dust ruffle and peaking under the bed I shouted, “found you!” almost expecting the duvet to say in reply, “your turn to hide, one, two, three…” 

I quickly fell back to sleep, toasty and hoping to regain my sanity by morning.

There were four pillows and, had my husband been with me, he’d have piled three of them up and then stolen mine in the middle of the night, adding it to his tower so that he was practically sitting upright.  But instead, I snuggled up to three, calling them “Captain” and stuck one under my head where I adjusted it for approximately 3 hours to get it into the just right position to properly support my painful and weak neck that could easily be cured with acupuncture according to Ya-Wen who noticed me cracking it while touring the spa.  It wasn’t “my pillow,” but it sufficed.    

Grade: C

Comment: Don’t like it?  Toughen up!

The Best Stateroom on the Golden Princess for Smokers Looking for a Way Around the Smoking Policy

I’m not a smoker and tend to quicken my pace like I’m headed outside at the Captain’s announcement of a wildlife sighting, “darn, missed it again!” when I come into contact with cigarette smoke.  But if you’re a smoker looking for a way around the interior smoking policy, this might be your spot.  L202 is located next to a “crew only” area and the hallway smelled strongly of cigarette smoke at all times, leading me to believe there was a smoking area behind the forbidden doors.  I didn’t notice it at all in my stateroom, but Martin, my steward, kept smelling his pits every time I’d run past him in the hallway with my nose plugged. 

Hair Dryers on the Golden Princess

Positives

There’s no power button you have push down the whole time afflicting you with carpal tunnel syndrome by the end of the trip.  You just slide up for low power or down for high power and hold the dryer in a comfortable grip so you can easily take an ugly mirror selfie: 

The hairdryer is located outside of the bathroom, above the desk next to the balcony door.  This will allow you to dry your hair in natural light with the balcony cracked to keep you cool while your cabin mate showers.

Negatives

First, the hair dryer is located outside the bathroom, so if your cabin mate is trying to sleep, they might startle awake thinking the ship has sailed into a hurricane.

And second, when you’re my age, primping in natural light is never a good idea.  Turns out my golden locks are actually white and the tiny sidewalk cracks on my face as seen in the dimly lit stateroom bathroom are sink holes deep enough to have swallowed up an entire development of townhomes.  I wonder if insurance covers that?

Grade: B

Comments: Better suited for a younger audience.

Televisions on the Golden Princess

It was a large flat screen TV.  Great, right?  But the resolution and sound quality were so low it reminded me of watching British comedies on my parent’s mammoth tube TV in the 90’s.  But with Amy Schumer instead of Hyacinth Bucket. 

Worried about missing heated arguments over Sunday dinners – with you taking the position that God is speaking directly through Donald Trump, chalking up some of his more colorful language as simply “lost in translation,” and your millennial granddaughter arguing, with the collective passion of every person who’s ever been elected to public office as a democrat currently running to replace him, that Donald Trump isn’t “speaking” for the devil, but actually combs his hair like that to cover his horns?  

Don’t fret, you can get pumped up on Fox News all day before agreeing to “share table with others?” in the MDR only to find Tiffany from Oregon has been glued to MSNBC pausing only to collect her room service soy milk and is prepared to convince you that Donald Trump, Putin, and Kim Jong-un engage in regular threesomes at Mar-a-Lago while Melania is chained to a radiator in the basement.

But may I suggest you instruct your room steward to hide the remote from you, “save me from myself and those socialist Democrats trying to take away cars and meat, Martin” and spend your morning sampling the breakfast fare in the MDR, International Café, and Lido buffet before hitting the “secrets to a flatter stomach” seminar in the gym.    

Grade: B-

Comment: Bigger is not always better.

Stateroom Showers on the Golden Princess

The shower is very small with a cloth curtain that allows water to splash out the sides and bottom. 

So don’t leave your perfect sweatpants for a leisurely day at sea on the floor.  I learned that one the hard way when an unfortunately positioned wet spot prompted a well-intentioned older gentleman to pull me aside to reassure me that: “your husband will love them.  Trust me, they aren’t your grandmother’s Depends.” 

But with free conditioning shampoo and body wash (which I’m pretty sure are the same thing and likely working second shift washing dishes and third shift laundering linens – they are pretty harsh, but they remove baked on grease and kill norovirus) and enough water pressure to power through the sweat and blood I accumulated after 10 minutes on a stationary bike at the gym, Prof. Cruise gives the shower a respectable…

Grade: B+

Comment: Only minor revisions needed.

Storage Space in Standard Balcony Rooms on the Golden Princess

The room includes a long, exposed closet space across from the bathroom with a shelf above and no shelving below.  There was a ton of room to hang things and your long dresses can dangle freely without wrinkling where their bottom half, in many other cabin designs, makes unwanted contact with a shelf. 

Plus, there is plenty of room here to store that extra suitcase your wife made you fork over $50 to the airline to bring, “but honey, it’s empty!” in anticipation of the $10 sale on the final sea day that will save her $30 on Princess shirts her grandkids won’t even wear for P.E.  “So let me get this straight, we’re spending $50 so you can save $30?”  Don’t try to talk her out of it, just be happy for something to keep her busy while you hit the blackjack table mumbling under your breath: “at least I have a chance at coming out ahead.”  The only drawback to the closet is that it can’t be closed off.  So be sure to stash your “leakage protection dyed to look like real lace” in the nearby storage unit.

A storage unit with a door next to the closet contains seven shelves (with the safe positioned on one of them) and there are seven additional storage drawers in the desk and bedside tables. 

Grade: A-

Comment: Slap a door on that closet and you’ll earn a solid.

Mini Fridge on the Golden Princess

“H,” my travel/teaching assistant takes full advantage of the mini-bar.

I guess I’m stressful to work for. But I find it a nuisance, taking up valuable space I could use to store my midnight snacks.  I was pleased to find this mini fridge void of overpriced drinks, with only an ice bucket that, when removed, left space for:

Grade: A

Comment: High in class!

Outlets on the Golden Princess

Most newer ship designs reflect that, even while on vacation, modern travelers have roughly 32 battery operated gadgets that need to remain charged. But the Golden Princess is from a simpler time.  When your hungry eyes and maybe your grandchildren, feigning interest after you finally had the film developed three months later, were the only witnesses to your lobster dinner in the MDR. A time before mediocre cruise bloggers filmed and photographed every inch of the ship down to this:

Because surely someone out there will wonder if the plants are real.  They are!

Come prepared with an approved power strip knowing these are the only two accessible outlets (there is an extra outlet where the TV plugs in, but it’s up high on the wall and tricky to reach) and will require you get out of bed to check the time on your charging phone: darn, still 3 hours until the full buffet opens at 6am so I can get my breakfast rice and chocolate chip french toast. 

Grade: D

Comment: Hire a couple of good electricians before you submit your next round of revisions.   

Overall Condition and My Final Grade for Standard Balcony Cabins on the Golden Princess

The finishes and furnishings are dated and drab with worn carpet and scuffed up and scratched walls, trim, and furniture pieces akin to a budget motel room. 

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However, the room and balcony were quite functional and served their intended purpose quite well.  The room was quiet and the temperature was comfortable and easy to adjust. 

Final Grade: B-

Final Comment: While your the content is quite good, your style needs improvement.

*Check out my full review of my recent sailing on the Golden Princess here. And see my Alaska port posts here. Also, don’t forget to subscribe to the blog (scroll up to the top right) and follow me on social media:

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Class dismissed.