“H” here, Prof. Cruise’s 6 year-old teaching/travel assistant and – if you’re concerned about child labor laws – son which means she’s legally permitted to order me around and assign me whatever tasks she doesn’t want to do, calling them “chores” and withholding screen time until I comply.
Today it was, “fill in for my lecture on the Norwegian Bliss while I conduct background research on our next NCL ship, the Pride of America.”
If you’re picturing her in a robe with a towel on her head obsessively refreshing the NCL board on Cruise Critic, waiting for new reviews to be posted, you’re not far off. And if she smoked, there’d be a long ash trail and a half melted shift key due to distraction. And if she drank vodka – without filling 2/3 of a super-sized plastic fast food cup from 1989 with sugary mixers before drizzling in just enough alcohol to call it a “cocktail,” but not enough to taste or get her up on the bar to sing a tone deaf Whitney cover (count yourself lucky) – she’d be half way through a 750ml bottle of Smirnoff due to nerves: “come on, Pride, Pride, Pride.” Something she clearly knows nothing about.
Life with Prof. Cruise is as unpredictable as it is laborious, which is why, when she told me at 3pm on a Saturday that she’d just booked us on the Norwegian Bliss for tomorrow, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I tossed some Xanex into my backpack and channeled my inner Gary Walsh (Selena Meyer’s frazzled personal aide and body man on the HBO series Veep) and off we walked from our downtown Seattle apartment to Pier 66, me lugging our enormous suitcase, 90% full of her ridiculous hooded puffer coat for glacier viewing.
The coat she insists makes her look like the glamorous wife of an Olympic ski star, standing camera ready at the finish line where she’ll embrace Bode upon his first place finish, becoming the envy of the 2-3 women left in the world without something more important to do, but thinking, “he’ll probably cheat on her, just wait.”
But of course she didn’t pack an item so essential to glamorous women – even those covering every inch of skin with black Gucci leggings and fake fur trimmed hoods – that they never leave home without a four pack: a razor (stay tuned). And just for the record, every time Prof. Cruise brags about being able to walk to the cruise pier from her apartment I think, “please, if you were in charge of the luggage, we’d arrive like everyone else, in an Uber!”
If there’s one thing worse than the “jokes” Prof. Cruise infuses into her lectures hoping for a few laughs not prompted by her mismatched socks or misplaced glasses, “on your head again, Dr.,” it’s her videos. The music would cause even elevators to complain, “ours is so much better than this crap,” and the picture so grainy, it’s like a yeast roll on an extreme health kick: “warning, birds may mistaken this bread for a seed feeder.” But to orient yourself to the Bliss, turn down the volume and view the below ship tour anyway. Or better yet, find a higher quality Bliss ship tour on YouTube and watch that instead. I won’t tell her.
I provide this section not because you care about Prof. Cruise’s favorite spots to hang out on the Bliss, but as a service so you can avoid her should you ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation of being booked on the Bliss at the same time: “well there’s 6 grand and 3 hours hearing about her baby who it turns out is actually a 25 pound dog of ‘uncertain lineage’ (it’s called a mutt, lady) we’ll never get back.”
For the record, I’m her actual baby and it generally takes her about the length of a 7-day cruise to get past Henry and even acknowledge my existence.
Even though she’ll bait you with a shirt that reads, “ask me about my dog,” DO NOT ask her about her dog! Or just steer clear of any venues serving free food or drinks and these additional areas of the Bliss:
Rarely occupied by more than a dozen or so people during the day, The Waterfront is the perfect spot to avoid crowds and enjoy comfortable seating and fresh air and scenery if you don’t have a balcony cabin.
You can also maximize your drink package without judgment by rotating among several bars located nearby.
Located at the very front of the ship, the Observation Lounge offers comfortable seating and unparalleled views.
It also features a bar…
…and delicious complimentary snacks, soup, and unique desserts, many with an Asian flair and not available anywhere else on the ship.
All of that makes it a popular spot and fighting for a seat among the crowds sort of feels like the purpose has been defeated. “I came up here to relax, not to declare my objections to mixed martial arts: you two should really have gloves and head protection on if you’re going to punch each other out over that lounger!”
Prof. Cruise recommends avoiding the Observation Lounge on sea days, but taking full advantage of it on port days.
Ditto on the hot tubs. They probably contain more pee than water on sea days, but you’ll be totally in charge of how much pee is in them on port days while everyone else is off the ship. Prof. Cruise and I stewed ourselves in twin hot tubs (I can almost guarantee hers had more pee in it than mine did) situated over Alaskan waters and nestled between mountain peaks behind downtown Juneau and Douglas Island while we watched seaplanes take off and land.
It was awesome – one for the memory bank.
Without the drink package on this sailing, Prof. Cruise spent more time in the bars when they were closed. With huge windows and skylights, comfortable seating areas, and no crowds during off hours, The District Brewhouse is the perfect spot to hang out to read, play cards or board games, or hide from the brother-in-law your husband swore you would hardly see if you let him tag along: “hey, there you are! I guess I’ll let you buy me a beer. Wait, it’s closed? I’m heading back to the pool to sun my butt crack then if you start missing me.”
The gym is always Prof. Cruise’s least favorite spot on any cruise ship, but she hated it even more on the Bliss, probably because she had expectations that weren’t fulfilled, found it too hot and too small for the size of the ship, and thought it opened too late in the morning (6am). For the size of the gym versus the size of the ship, it really should be been open 24/7 to have a prayer at accommodating everyone weird enough to exercise on vacation.
Although she didn’t have much time to stalk the Bliss in advance, she did read a few reviews and viewed a popular ship tour on YouTube. She was excited to see two Peloton spin bikes situated in the regular area of the gym, seemingly available for anyone to use for free. Not so. They had been replaced by two additional elliptical-type machines. Machines that, in addition to the treadmills, Prof. Cruise is not coordinated enough to use on a moving ship. So that eliminated 95% of the cardio equipment and left her with four traditional stationary bikes, nearly always occupied. But she occasionally snagged one and outfitted it with her essential gym accessories, resulting in a slightly less unpleasant experience and a popular topic of conversation at the bars: “you should have seen this crazy woman at the gym!”
Due to the last minute nature of our cruise on the Bliss and our budget of $0.00, we didn’t dine at any specialty restaurants, but I will review breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the main dining rooms, the Garden Café (buffet), Local, and room service breakfast. And should you wish to view all the menus for the specialty restaurants, Prof. Cruise assigned me the “chore” of going around and photographing them. I have compiled them all here. All that running around plus metabolism – “wasted on the young,” according to Prof. Cruise – resulted in a net zero wait gain despite my shunning vegetables in favor of cheese, sugar, and “enriched” white flour, for a solid 7 days. I’ll say it to save her the trouble, “damn me.”
With the exception of Gabriel, Prof. Cruise’s waiter crush who was technically young enough to be her son and the sibling I’ve always dreamed of (the only reason I’m so temperamental is because I need a sibling, but Prof. Cruise tells me the only reason I don’t have a sibling is because I’m so temperamental – it’s a vicious cycle), the servers in the MDR’s weren’t exactly friendly.
But every wait team was professional and, most importantly to me, fast. Because no one wants to entertain Prof. Cruise over a two hour meal without the drink package. Thankfully all 6 courses, 4 of which were desserts, were served up to us, not always with a smile, but in under and hour flat for all breakfasts, lunches, and dinners eaten in any of the three MDR’s (Taste, Savor, and the Manhattan Room). And for that, the Bliss scores a respectable B+ for service in the main dining rooms.
When I review cruise ship food, you should assume the following caveat: “for cruise ship food.” So when I say, “it was delicious” you shouldn’t slap a period at the end and assume a Michelin quality meal. Instead, add “for cruise ship food” in order to keep those expectations reasonable.
Dining room breakfasts are one of our favorite things about NCL mega ships. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the crowds on the Bliss or looking for a quiet spot to recover from your hangover over a Bloody Mary, both Taste and Savor are open for breakfast and I strongly suggest you give them a try as an alternative to the buffet. A buffet that, on port mornings especially, makes the streets of New York City at rush hour feel like a serene stroll over a scenic and abandoned footbridge.
Service in the MDR was fast and the menu is delicious. If you’re a goat. If you’re a human, the food ordered from the menu is delicious. Highlights included the yogurt parfait, the french toast, and the multi-grain belgian waffle. And if you have the drink package, don’t forget to order an Irish coffee (double check with your server to make sure it’s included – we’ve always received the thumbs up in the dining rooms) or a shot of Baileys to pour in your (regular dining room) coffee. You’re welcome.
We’ve spent more days on NCL in the last 4 years than even a highly advanced kindergarten/first grade straddler like me can count, #toughlife, and on every single one of them the lunch menu has been exactly the same. If variety is the spice of life, the lunch menu is a microwaved russet potato topped with white rice and soda crackers. And for vegetarians like myself and Prof. Cruise, it’s especially underwhelming with the mediocre frittata as our only entrée option. However, the roasted tomato soup is rich and flavorful and the desserts are worth ordering all four and not to split – you should each order all four.
Overall, the food was good (for cruise ship food). Highlights included the bruschetta, potato gnocchi, and chocolate espresso cake. The only major disappointments were the banana soufflé that deflated into a blob of goo like a Gremlin exposed to sunlight the second I took my spoon to it and the stuffed mushrooms, so tiny they could only accommodate two grains of rice and posed a hazard to toddlers: “get that fungus out of your nose!”
Here are menus and food pics for each day of our seven day sailing:
If your handler has you on a strict budget like mine did, you can almost convince yourself that The Local Bar and Grill is a specialty restaurant, but psssst (read in a whisper), it’s free. While there can be a long wait at times, you’ll definitely want to hit this place up during off peak hours.
I recommend the grilled tomato and cheese sandwich hold the tomato and Prof. Cruise recommends the watermelon Greek salad only because she had me to pick out all the olives. We also liked the tortilla bowl as it comes with a crispy fried shell and can be easily prepared vegetarian (we’ve always been disappointed that O’Sheehan’s on the Breakaway didn’t have any vegetarian entrée options). The three desserts offered were also quite good. I’d tell you to order all three, but that should be assumed by this point.
While most families break out into Thanksgiving day brawls over Donald Trump and unplanned teenage pregnancies, “you did WHAT to my daughter!?!,” I dive in to shield my Tofurkey from flying oyster stuffing as soon as I hear, “so how do you think the buffet on NCL compares to Celebrity?” And while my Gigi strongly prefers Celebrity, Prof. Cruise will defend the Indian food, flavored French toast and garlic breakfast rice on NCL to the death. Death by sweet potato casserole, despite the marshmallows making it seem so harmless.
But seriously, the Indian on NCL’s buffet is the best of any line, in our opinion.
Much better than on Celebrity. Sorry, Gigi – I do appreciate the bike and the Transformer, but my reviews can’t be bought. Except with an iPhone linked to your credit card.
We avoided the buffet at dinner in favor of the main dining rooms, but ate some breakfasts and lunches there. It was pretty good…for a cruise buffet.
While it certainly isn’t a deal breaker for us, we appreciate lines that don’t charge extra for room service. So on NCL I always write in red pen on my post cruise survey, “5 points deducted for room service fee.” Continental breakfast items are free and are nice to eat as an appetizer out on the balcony while Prof. Cruise works up the energy to change from her robe to her sweatpants: “are you sure they won’t seat me in this? I mean, what’s the difference between a robe and a wrap dress really?” But they don’t satisfy as a standalone breakfast.
Here are the room service menus and a few breakfast pics:
With thrilling water slides that shoot you out over the open ocean, laser tag, and Go-Karts, the Bliss is 2 parts ship and 1 part amusement park. But between Prof. Cruise’s claustrophobia (the slides are all enclosed) and lack of pre-planning, we can’t report first hand on any of them. But I did watch with envy from the sidelines (like Prof. Cruise in her braces, over sprayed bangs, and pioneer-style dresses at every high school dance).
Ten laps around the course will cost you $15.
One 10-minute session of laser tag on the Bliss will cost you $9.95.
I have always been impressed by the production shows on NCL’s mega ships. We’re talking full-length Broadway shows without “loose plot” as part of the written description. And while the performers are sharing a closet on a cruise ship with three other people and not a closet in Manhattan with three other people despite having their name in lights, they are, nonetheless, very talented.
This sailing featured Jersey Boys and while I ignored the warnings about “mature themes” and had to cover Prof. Cruise’s ears at each “f bomb,” we both enjoyed it. Be sure to make a reservation (online prior to your sailing if possible), as the theater was full. If you don’t have a reservation, they open it up to standby guests 10-15 minutes before show time. But be warned, you may end up sitting next to Prof. Cruise where you’ll get slapped on the shoulder every 5 minutes and asked, “what does that mean?” and “it’s chilly in here, why isn’t that dancer wearing any clothes?”
We also saw Havana Nights…
…and a show on the first night offering a preview of various entertainment options and ship activities. This is great if you’re too cheap to pay a $35+ cover charge for “Happy Hour Prohibition – the Musical” or if your attention span is 3-5 minutes like Prof. Cruise’s. And it only took a record 2 minutes for her to determine that the comedian is “mildly sexist and not very funny,” which is her summary of every single cruise ship comedian she has ever seen. You shouldn’t be dissuaded though, it should be clear to you by now that she has no sense of humor.
For those of us who do have a sense of humor, there was a hilarious “Dancing with the Stars” inspired competition called “Dance Battle” featuring a “losers lounge” I just assumed was the alternative nightclub for the likes of Prof. Cruise.
And I thought for sure the panel of judges would vote her off the ship before she even busted out her first 90’s dance move, the “running man,” but no such luck.
What’s more predictable than the sun rising in the east and the Browns having a losing season (sorry Mr. Cruise and his fellow Cleveland sports fans)? Prof. Cruise’s question: “this one’s for Captain Bengtsson. Are you married?” He was.
In other news, the Captain and Engineer work 10 weeks off and 10 weeks on which Prof. Cruise argued was perfect for hiding a secret second family. Also, we learned that it takes 19-20 tractor-trailers full of supplies to stock the Bliss each week, 18 of which are full of dessert ingredients for Prof. Cruise and I.
But the circus show, and I say this entirely objectively even though I took to the stage as the star plate spinner, was the clear winner as far as the entertainment went. I have a spot reserved on my toy shelf, between my jellyfish lamp and overflowing bin of Legos, for my Tony award. And although it feels almost preordained, we’ll go through the trouble of the judging process and the ceremony so I can pretend to be humble while thanking the other “worthy nominees” and my mom and dad for encouraging me to join the circus if I didn’t like their rules.
The Bliss has the largest and most technologically advanced kid’s club of any ship I’ve ever sailed on. I ditched Prof. Cruise at every opportunity in favor of Xbox, the movie theater, the digital gaming tables, and other “old-school” activities Prof. Cruise is always waxing nostalgic about (we didn’t have cell phones when I was your age, blah blah blah).
Little tip, during the summer and school breaks when the ship is crowded (and I mean crowded) with kids, get in line 15 minutes before it opens to avoid a long wait to check in or, even worse, being turned away due to the club reaching capacity. Can you imagine having to spend an unplanned day sitting outside on The Waterfront with Prof. Cruise as she obsessively stares out at the ocean searching for wildlife and orders you to “get me a coffee” or “run up to the Observation Lounge and report back with which desserts they have today. ” And, “I can’t decide – better just bring me two of each.” Then, “guard my spot while I pee.” Which I’d happily agree to as a compromise to the bedpan she requested.
We had the goodest of good service on the Bliss. Our room steward went above and beyond, leaving his break early to turn down our room each evening so Prof. Cruise could get her “beauty” sleep (yes, she can look even worse) and made us the best towel animals – we’re talking big horned sheep, not snakes.
And the service in the main dining rooms for breakfast, lunch, and dinner was the fastest we’ve ever experienced. It was practically Taco Bell: “order number 36!”
Prof. Cruise also loved the contemporary look of the ship and, while it’s starting to show some minor signs of wear well into it’s second season, it was generally in good condition.
Watch out wolf, you’ve got competition from the Bliss when it comes to being big and bad. Average-sized cruise ships hug the shoreline, hoping to blend in so the Bliss won’t swallow them up and spit them back out into the ocean along with the pulverized organic waste destined to become fish food.
In case you haven’t heard, the Bliss is a huge ass ship. I think the technical term is mega. And while there’s a ton to do for those not content to relax and stare at the water for 168 hours straight (Prof. Cruise), it’s not ideal for anyone looking for a more serene experience. I hesitate in recommending it for the 7-day Alaska itinerary from Seattle, especially for those who haven’t cruised to Alaska before, because that itinerary is so port heavy. You’ll want to maximize your time at each port and, as such, will have very little time on the ship. And because most of your fellow cruisers are in the same boat (sorry, couldn’t resist), the popular activities will be very crowded on your two sea days. If this doesn’t bother you and you decide to book for Alaska, be sure to reserve your preferred dining venues and ship activities as early as possible, because everything fills up fast.
If you’re fortunate, as we are, to have visited Alaska many times, the Bliss is awesome on port days. In fact, we stayed on the ship for the majority of our time in port and practically had the entire ship to ourselves. That’s when the Bliss is really fun and you can fully appreciate all she has to offer! And she has a lot to offer.
I guess my advice would be this: if you’re cruising primarily for the ports or don’t like sailing with throngs of kids (especially during school breaks), consider avoiding the Bliss in favor of a smaller ship. If you’re cruising for the ship, have kids or don’t mind kids (admit it, I’m adorable) and are happy staying onboard while at some of the ports or are on one of her longer, non-Alaska sailings, definitely book the Bliss.
Due to the last minute nature of this sailing (go here to read more about how we ended up in a balcony cabin on the Bliss less than 24 hours after booking an inside guarantee cabin), Prof. Cruise forgot to pack a razor. After three days she made Chewbacca look like a naked mole rat by comparison and accidentally posted a bathing suit selfie to Instagram with a hairy armpit on full display.
I needed a martini, my drink of choice because they are strong, but come in flavors like rum cake and chocolate. Sadly, there was no Shakers Bar to be found on the Bliss, a huge disappointment after I ordered so many martinis on the Breakaway, I ran out of money and had to start working for them.
After watching the Bliss sail in and out of Seattle from our downtown apartment for a summer and a half, we were eager to try her. So Prof. Cruise jumped on a great last minute price and we sailed for Alaska with over 4,000 fellow passengers and another 1,700 hard working crew members. With 20 floors and weighing in at 168,028 tons (Prof. Cruise accounting for 1 ton of that at the conclusion of our voyage), the Bliss is our largest ship to date. And, in all candor, she was a bit too large for us. While she is gorgeous and will be the perfect ship for many (especially kids and teens), we prefer a smaller, less crowded and chaotic experience. But we’re glad we sailed her and would again under the same circumstances.
And I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge this Canadian search and rescue team in partnership with our incredible captain for their successful evacuation of a critically ill patient from our sailing. We hope this dear soul recovered with loved ones close and will sail again very soon.
I’m reminded in these moments of how fragile our short time on earth is and how lucky I am to spend so many moments of mine traveling to beautiful places, sharing time with and learning from so many interesting characters, and embarking on spontaneous adventures, this time on a prodigious floating giant of the sea.
Wherever your next cruise takes you and whichever boat gets you there – from a kayak to the Bliss – I hope you’ll venture with an open heart, a sense of humor, and a grateful spirit. And with that…
Class Dismissed.
Homework (10 points): Be sure to check out Prof. Cruise’s review of a standard balcony cabin on the Bliss here and go here for NCL restaurant and bar menus.
Also, be sure to subscribe to the blog to receive new course materials directly to your e-mail. Scroll up to the top right if on a computer or keep scrolling if on a mobile device. And be sure to follow Prof. Cruise on social media.
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