With locks of gold – actually it’s more like the color of an old set of candlesticks shut away in your grandmothers china cabinet in need of a good polish, but let’s not split…hairs – and a name that means Princess, it’s like the Golden Princess was commissioned just for me. I kept looking around for a statue of myself. And I found one at the enrichment lecture: 30,000 Years of Art in 30 Minutes:
I thank the sculptor for his generous representation of my bust.
This trip was a Mother’s Day gift from Mr. Cruise and my second solo sailing. Because what better way to celebrate being a mother than sneaking out of the house in the dawn of night to escape from your child for four days. I mean, he’s adorable and I love him, but I’ve only peed in private like three times in the past year and my meals always come with a side of fingers caked in a combination of play dough, dirt, and the germs of sixteen of his fellow Kindergarteners: “oh, that’s good mom! Can I have some?” Cough. “I guess.”
With only three short nights with no ports of call, this was a repositioning cruise to deliver the Golden Princess to Vancouver from Los Angeles where she’ll summer in Alaska. A cruise this short is like a single milk chocolate and toffee covered macadamia nut in a bity paper cup handed to you with a smile by the Costco Sample Lady as she points to a display of plastic tubs containing “350 count” for the warehouse price of just $28.99. But you’re under strict orders from your wife: “do not deviate from the list!”
So it was for me on this Pacific Coastal sailing, as I sipped coffee and ate my third almond croissant – constituting my second breakfast of the morning because I had to pack it all in – with a woman on her last leg of a back to back to back to back. She’d been on the Golden Princess for 60+ days! And while I’d rather disembark jiggly and bloated and craving a juice cleanse and a long bath instead of hungry for more after a failed attempt to pack and sneak through customs some bread and butter pudding with vanilla sauce, this three-night provided some much needed self-care for Prof. Cruise and a preview for those of you lucky enough to be on the Golden Princess for a longer sailing in the months to come.
So let’s dive right in, or belly flop while pinching your nose and squeezing your eyes shut if you’re anything like me, and get started where I always start as I sprint toward the dining room upon embarkation. With food.
My request for a private table for one in the MDR was honored with a combination of surprise and pity and occasional stares that made me think I had a six square long trail of Quilted Northern stuck to my shoe. It turns out I did, which made the two invitations I received, “we’d love to have you join us,” all the kinder.
I politely declined explaining that I have a six-year-old at home. And upon learning my suitors were childless (a wise decision indeed) further elucidating that solo dining doesn’t induce loneliness, but rather nourishes and delights both my body and soul as chewing and sipping and small talk are the only muffled sounds I hear as I close my eyes to savor that first sweet spoonful of frozen rum-infused piña colada soup. Without rejected green vegetables being sling shotted into it while I chant the serenity prayer on repeat in my head while signaling my waiter: “can I get ten more of those rum soups, and one for the wee lad here too, please.”
I had Anytime Dining, meaning I could show up at any time the dining room was open like a traditional land-based restaurant. This also meant I wouldn’t have the same service team every night as is the case with Traditional Dining. I’ve always found this a less intimate and friendly arraignment and this time was no exception.
My waiters briefly introduced themselves, but didn’t ask me about myself or attempt small talk. They were all business and made up for in speed and efficiency what they lacked in warmth. I arrived as soon as the dining room opened for dinner at 5pm each night, often the first person in line (not that I was eager or anything) and was out of there by 6pm, elevatoring – breaking my pledge to take the stairs if I ordered that second dessert – up to the Horizon Court to peruse my options for a second dinner and a third dessert later. I’ll take the stairs next time, I swear! (I didn’t)
The food in the MDR was, without exception, delicious and I offer the following three facts as just that, facts, and not criticism. Although more discerning diners may consider them so.
Fact #1: my dishes arrived tepid on several occasions. For me this felt like a significant improvement over the frigid fare I generally consume in the MDR after fifteen minutes spent cutting up my kid’s order only to have him reject it as not orange enough and mopping up spilled juice praying it didn’t fry the iPad loaded with 963 hours of cartoons.
Fact #2: there was a rogue eggshell in my milky chocolate-hazelnut soufflé. I just crunched it up and figured I’d poop it out in a few days, but with no plans to verify that for science. I’m still alive over a week later, if that helps, and my hair seems a little shinier.
Fact #3: one of my entrees contained rotten grapes. Known to some as raisins, they should never be included in something considered edible. Don’t worry, I picked them out. Go ahead and make the joke: “are you sure you left your six-year-old at home?”
If you’ve ever dined with me on a cruise, you may wonder, slightly annoyed, why I take a photo of every single thing I eat. For you, that’s why. I do it all for you! Actually, I do it mostly for me. Because I look at them after returning home to lunches of home sprouted mung beans in an attempt to squeeze back into my fat pants before my next cruise. True story. But if there’s one thing having a son in Kindergarten has taught me, lice are extremely contagious. And also, it’s kind to share.
Lunch was offered in the Donatello dining room from 12-1:30pm on embarkation day.
Basket of bread on the table during brunch, lunch, and dinner service in the MDR:
Tuscan-style chickpea soup:
Limestone and baby oak leaves with cucumber carrot and red onion:
Cheese ravioli:
Orange souffle:
While I wasn’t very impressed with the dining room breakfast menu on the Golden Princess and never elected to eat there, I snapped a photo with the hope that it might prompt you to consider inviting me, all expenses paid, to accompany you on your next cruise.
I discovered brunch available in the Donatello dining room from 12-1:30pm on day two after I had already stuffed myself at Horizon Court with additional selections from the International Cafe to follow. But I photographed the menu for you (so, when should I have my bags packed?) and vowed to save room for a third lunch on day three, which I did. And yes, had this been a 21 day cruise, I would have continued the pattern and had 21 lunches on day 21.
Ice-cold Spanish gazpacho:
Baked yellow bell pepper with DUN, DUN, DUN…raisins:
Cherry trifle:
Frozen rum-infused piña colada soup (order multiples if you’re too cheap to pay for drinks):
Princess fettuccine alfredo (you can order a smaller portion of this as an appetizer):
Leek and ricotta cheese tart:
French vanilla crème brûlée:
This was Italian night. The waiters wore striped uniform shirts meant to reinforce the theme, but made me think we were playing an epic game of Where’s Waldo. In addition to the menu offerings, one of the Waldos was cooking a spicy arrabiata penne right in the middle of the dining room prompting me to yell: “I found him! Over there hiding in the steam of sauteing garlic in olive oil and trying to tempt me to order another entree!” That garlic smelled goooooooooood!
Iced peach bellini soup:
Melanzane alla parmigiana (I had no prayer of pronouncing this, so I just pointed and said “that”):
Cannellini bean and vegetable stew:
Sugar-free mochaccino semifreddo (“and for dessert I’ll have that“):
Titamisu:
Chilled curried pumpkin cream soup:
Grilled zucchini and eggplant with sun-dried tomatoes chives and romaine:
Watermelon and feta cheese
Eggplant and basmati rice timbale
Baked Alaska on parade (no floats and marching bands, but the best baked Alaska I’ve had on a cruise):
Sugar-free chocolate-tapioca pudding (I found the sugar free desserts surprisingly good – much better than on other lines):
That concludes the MDR portion of the review. Let’s move on to the best dining option for those too lazy to walk to the buffet even though their stateroom is on the same deck (guilty as charged): room service.
I called at 11:20am and it rang and rang. And rang. I finally gave up. When I called back at 11:30am, I was informed by the operator who was very difficult to understand and spoke faster than an art auctioneer on his 6th cup of Joe that they were out of chocolate cake and caramel flan, but to try again after 1pm. I politely played it off like it was no big deal, “oh no problem,” but in my head was saying in the voice I use when my son colors on himself in permanent marker the night before picture day, “you better believe I’ll be calling back at 1pm for my cake and you better answer on the first ring or else!”
To make matters worse, I was told to expect a 20-30 minute wait, but at 12:15pm, 45 minutes after calling, I was still waiting for my order minus the two things I actually wanted. Here are the menus to give you something to read while we continue to wait:
When it finally arrived, clocking in at 50 minutes, I pulled off the plastic warming covers, “yes, finally!” to discover two of the things Prof. Cruise most dreads finding in her lunch. No, not spit and hair. Olives and raisins! The salad was covered in green olives that bled their salty tangy awfulness all over my lettuce rendering my salad inedible.
And there were so many raisins in my coleslaw…
…if I picked them out I’d be left with three pieces of cabbage and a carrot shred with onlookers throwing out a floating device and shouting, “man overboard” – as we’d been taught to do at the muster drill – thinking they were drowning in dressing.
The vegetarian sandwich was pretty good, with fresh, perfectly ripened avocado, but it could have used some mayo or spread. Luckily I had the Italian dressing meant for my salad, destined for the trash through no fault of her own, so I poured some of that on and found it much improved.
The Moroccan vegetable stew was seasoned well, mildly spiced but flavorful and cooked perfectly with the vegetables maintaining a suitable bite. However, it could have really used some rice, couscous, or quinoa.
And here, a lonely chocolate chip cookie as my only dessert.
I ate it, and resentful at having to leave my bed to eat, dragged myself down to the International Café for this Oreo cheesecake and blueberry apricot rice pudding which were delicious but ruined my goal of under 100 steps for this sea day.
Since I only have a sample size of one, this could have been a fluke. But based on this singular experience, I give room service a D with “much room for improvement” written in red. But now that we have my worst dining experience out of the way, let’s move on to my favorite venue on Princess and the Superman of dining: The International Café.
Open 24 hours a day to satisfy your middle of the night sugar and carb cravings? What’s not to love!
For breakfast, the International Café offers a delicious assortment of pastries as well as a hot, pressed to order, breakfast sandwich and a few other rotating items. I recommend the almond croissant with your morning coffee before the buffet opens (I like to get an early start on eating).
If you want to grab a quick lunch, stop by for a hot, pressed to order panini, an assortment of cold salads, and some of the best desserts on the ship.
The puddings are a personal favorite, but you really can’t go wrong! Order one of everything and thank me later.
For dinner, a tray of assorted cheeses is added. And while a cheese plate makes for the perfect midnight snack, it isn’t going to help that eggshell pass through you quickly. Learned that one the hard way.
Some lessons are hard and others take a few times to stick. No one knows that better than Prof. Cruise who, two semesters in a row, while demonstrating a frequency distribution to her statistics class on the blackboard, abbreviated “cumulative frequency” in a most unfortunate and R-rated fashion much to the delight of her snickering students. I just assumed I had chalk on my butt again until it was time to erase: “oh crap, not again!”
Such was the case with the Horizon Court. While I’m not a picky eater like, at all, and will consume and generally enjoy whatever I’ve selected unless it’s tainted with olives or raisins, I’ve never been a huge fan of the Lido buffet on Princess. I find the international selections particularly disappointing when compared with other lines. However, that didn’t stop me from piling my plate with enough carbs to fuel the entire roster of the Pittsburgh Steelers on the Sunday night before Monday Night Football.
Horizon Court would be perfectly fine if there weren’t so many other great dining options. Try the buffet and judge for yourself, but don’t keep coming back if it disappoints – it will likely continue to do so.
Curious as to the offerings? Here’s a video with a sampling of the breakfast selections:
And here’s one with a sampling of lunch and dinner selections:
If you decide the buffet isn’t worth regaining the 5 pounds you lost in anticipation of this cruise in a single sitting, you might consider these other options also on the Lido deck (deck 14).
While the Golden Princess does not offer Alfredo’s Pizzeria, the complementary sit down pizza restaurant available on some Princess ships, the pizza available at Prego’s on the Lido deck is much better in my opinion and you don’t have to wait for a table or for it to cook. You can order as many slices as you want of cheese, pepperoni, and the rotating daily special and consume them wherever you like.
They are giant New York style thin crusts that are best eaten folded over to keep their gooey cheese and sauce from contact with the front of your shirt.
You’ll know you’re doing it right when someone asks, “Prego?” and you answer, “deck 14 midship” and they follow up with, “no, are you prego?” Unbotton your jeans and pat that food baby with pride. And if it’s still hungry, head next door to the Trident Grill for a burger and fries.
If you’re craving some American or German fare, the Trident Grill offers a selection of burgers and brats grilled up fresh and served with fries.
I ordered a veggie burger with added cheese which takes longer to prepare (10 minutes) than the other options. It started out looking pretty tasty…
…but crumbled to pieces when I lifted it up to take a bite.
I gave up and polished off the fries, hot and perfectly crispy. And what goes better with fries than ketchup? Ice cream!
I found the soft serve, available in vanilla, chocolate, or twist (assuming the twist dispenser isn’t out-of-service which it was on my sailing) on the Golden Princess more like ice milk than ice cream. But the sugar cones were large and better than the thin wafer variety with not so subtle hints of cardboard standard on many other lines and you can’t beat the price: free! Although I can’t speak to the quality since I didn’t try them, there are also malts and milkshakes available for a charge of $2.50.
*Extra Credit Cruise Hack: one of my favorite cruise hacks is to melt chocolate soft serve into my coffee for a mocha-like beverage or shake some cooled coffee into a large mug of soft serve for a mocha shake.
Although I didn’t book any of the specialty restaurants on this short sailing, I do have menus posted here along with all the other menus you’ve already seen so you can obsessively study them leading up to your cruise while you’re supposed to be completing a report for your boss: “Betty, you’ve typed three words all day? Where have you been?” “Ordering room service from my balcony en route to Ketchikan. Sorry about that.” “Well if you read Prof. Cruise’s review of the Golden, you’d know to skip room service and send your husband down to the International Cafe.”
See, even the boss wastes her time reading Prof. Cruise – why do you think she gave you her report to write in the first place?
With some misses here and there, overall, I had great food on the Golden Princess. It was an improvement over what I had on the Grand over Christmas, so we’re trending in the right direction. And you know what they say, “if you can’t find something good to eat on a cruise, you should sign your next one over to Prof. Cruise!”
Before I begin lecturing about the ship’s condition and reviewing the activities I participated in, please watch the following admittedly so-so quality video to get you oriented and allow me some time to “organize my notes” (that’s what professors say when they want to catch up on Facebook).
While the Golden Princess is definitely succumbing to the aging process and her style is somewhat dated and drab, she still keeps pace with much younger ships and maintains excellent hygiene.
Man, that exact same sentence could have been written about Prof. Cruise. Except for the hygiene part – I struggle with remembering to pack deodorant and my apartment is filthy with only 3 humans and a dog living there. I can’t imagine its condition if it rocked about with thousands of people roaming around trying to balance drinks and plates of food and suffering from sudden onset seasickness: “PVI (public vomiting incident) on deck 5.” A landfill and a cesspool making acquaintance following a hurricane is my closest estimation.
I will reveal my two secret spots on the condition that you’ll make room for me in the hot tub even though I consider it a suitable substitute for showering. I mean, the chemicals kill everything anyway, right?
Deal? Okay.
One of my favorite features of Grand class Princess ships are their behinds, AKA their “afts.” They’re better than J.Lo’s. “I like big butts and I cannot lie!” And it happens that both of my secret spots can be found there on the Golden.
There are two large hot tubs located on deck 16 all the way aft that get almost no use. I guess they require too much walking and you’re not likely to stumble upon them unless you’re looking to play a creepy game of giant chess where you fear the pieces will come alive Alice in Wonderland style with an absent-minded White Queen who turns into a talking sheep: “I don’t think I’ll purchase the drink package next time.”
But this is a peaceful and beautiful spot to warm up and watch the sunset out the back of the ship after a chilly afternoon of glacier viewing or to soak your sore muscles after your wife dragged you all over Ketchikan looking for that perfect souvenir: “I think we’ll keep looking tomorrow in Juneau.”
Those who don’t consider the word “nightlife” an oxymoron like I do are probably already familiar with the Skywalkers Nightclub. I’ve inherited one of my dad’s favorite jokes he used to tell when asked where he was headed at 8:30pm in his flannel PJ pants and slippers: “I’m goin clubin.” He was actually sneaking off to bed, which is generally what I’m doing around that time too.
So while you’ll never find me in the Skywalkers Nightclub after I head to dinner at 5pm (#PlacesToAvoidProfCruise, #BornOld), you’ll frequently find me in there during the 12 hours preceding either reading, preparing an excruciatingly boring lecture for you, or snoring covered in brown splash-shaped stains because staring at the wake out the back of the ship lulled me to sleep before the coffee made it to my mouth.
Seriously though, this is a lovely spot to seek solitude away from the hustle and bustle or to hide from your significant other so he/she can’t drag you to another art lecture.
To get there, go all the way aft on deck 16 and out over the dramatic sky bridge:
I had a standard balcony stateroom on the deck with the easiest access to the most food (AKA, the Lido deck) and in the closest proximity to the man who could finally help me fulfill my life long dream of becoming the wife of a cruise ship captain.
Go here for a full tour and detailed review of my cabin (L202).
My room steward Martin seemed much more receptive to my advances (becoming the wife of a room steward on a cruise ship is my backup plan) than the Captain who remained elusive. I mean, he even gave me his pager number:
And he provided excellent service, except for the one time he hid my duvet insert under the bed and I woke up freezing. But I’m pretty sure that was just a ploy to get me to page him in the middle of the night. I’m onto you, Martin!
But seriously, he was just the right combination of friendly and professional, always calling me by name and providing efficient service. I handed him an extra $20 tip on the last morning with my phone number written on it. I’m pretty sure he’s going to call any day now. I mean, it’s only been a week. And who could resist this:
I didn’t require the services of Guest Services, but I did stop by during a slow time to inquire about something I’m frequently asked about and that is more controversial than smoking policies and whether the drink package is a good value. Can you guess?
Who guessed it? If you’re new to cruising, you may be surprised the first time you look at your final bill and it’s hundreds of dollars higher than you anticipated: “Judy, just how many drinks did you order?!?” Gratuities (sometimes called “daily service charges”) will be added to your account each day in the amount of $14.50 per person for interior, oceanview, and balcony cabins, $15.50 for mini suites and club class cabins, and $16.50 for suites.
As per Princess’s policy, this amount can be adjusted up or down or the automatic gratuities can be removed altogether. While I take no official position on this, except to say that I wish they would just be made mandatory and rolled into the upfront cost of the cruise, I did inquire as to the process for adjusting or removing them for those who may have a reason or desire to do that. Just the messenger, people!
The procedure is as follows:
Stop by guest services and let them know what you’d like to do (adjust up or down or remove them). They will present you with a form to sign with no questions asked as to why you are adjusting or removing them and will have the charges adjusted by the following day. Easy peasy.
I spent the highest proportion of time on this cruise eating. And clocked in at least a dozen hours enjoying the two books, one purchased in advance for obvious reasons and the other I fought off an older gal – with a short white “wash and set” who reminded me of my late grandmother in both looks and the way she was aggressively drawn to romance novels (RIP, Grandma Julie) – to snatch up from the onboard library.
But I also squeezed in a some organized ship activities, a lecture, and a show.
Because I was hoping to become a “Vancouver Bride” when we docked in Canada (maybe they wouldn’t have record of my current U.S. marriage license), it was imperative I attend the Captain’s Reception. While the event wasn’t scheduled to begin until 6:45pm, I arrived by 6:00pm to secure a prime spot.
I watched with frayed nerves as the crew assembled the champagne fountain one glass at a time expecting it to topple over at any moment, sending me to the medical unit to remove the glass from my eye, perhaps resulting a sizable settlement worth losing partial vision, but not worth missing The Captain for.
At 6:45pm the maître d’hôtel officially kicked off the festivities with the first champagne pour and then welcomed up to the raised platform anyone who wanted to join him for a photo op.
Although I enjoyed the band playing almost as much as I enjoyed watching husbands getting dragged up in front of everyone by their wives, acting like they were too cool for a cruise ship champagne fountain, by 7:15pm there was still no sign of the captain. As I gulped down my third glass of complimentary champagne (there were also mimosas available) so I would have my hands free for a romantic embrace, I started tapping my foot and frequently checking my phone for the time.
Come on Captain, put this thing on autopilot and join us at the party!
Finally, at nearly 7:30pm, he appeared high above me like Rupunzel up in her tower, but with no golden ladder of hair for me to climb in order to reach him.
I exited my seat and shoved small children out of the way, “watch out, coming through!” trying to find a way to get to him as I shouted “oh Captain, my Captain.
Then upon attempting to storm the blocked off area surrounding him on deck 6, I was quickly escorted by security to an exclusive tour of the brig.
If you didn’t get enough free champagne at the Captain’s Reception or need to drown your sorrows at having spent the night in an 8 x 8 cell instead of the Captain’s Suite, you’ll want to participate in the champagne toss for a chance at winning one of two bottles. Spoiler alert, you won’t win. But you’ll elicit delighted laughs from the crowd as your first attempt encircles a lovely Merlot at Vine’s Bar, at least 20 feet away from your intended target.
If you’re wondering why cruise ships stock so many fruits and vegetables when no one has any intention of eating them, here’s why:
After teaching at a liberal arts college for over a decade, regularly emphasizing to current and prospective students the importance of a liberal arts education, I’m here to tell you to save yourself considerable time and expense and take a cruise! In 30 minutes you’ll know enough to convince a potential employer you took three art history classes at Dickinson College to help you become a more well rounded welder.
While my memoirs would have been titled “Born to Sing” had I not been born tone challenged and driven my voice coach to flee the state of Utah to avoid early retirement, this production show was a nod to those who are “born to dance.” It dazzled with 18 famous numbers from shows such as Carousel, Chicago, Once, and Movin’ Out, as it chronicled the history of Broadway choreography and dance.
Produced by Stephen Schwartz, the famous composer who wrote the music and lyrics for many hit shows such as Wicked, Pippin, and Godspell, this was one of the best production shows I’ve seen at sea. Arrive early to grab a good seat at the Princess Theater as it will be completely full by showtime.
But even if you get stuck standing at the back, this is a can’t miss show.
This was a bit of an odd cruise, so short with no ports of call and requiring I fly south from my home city of Seattle to Los Angeles in order to sail north to Vancouver. But sometimes we have to journey back in order to move forward. And sometimes we need to be away from our children for a few days in order to be a better mother.
And while I (mostly) joke about marrying a cruise ship captain, I’m already hitched to a corporate lawyer who, all lawyer jokes aside (but feel free to share your best ones in the comments and I’ll pass them along to him), happens to be kind and thoughtful and who surprised me with this cruise because he knew it was just what I needed.
Now I’m home on land, where I belong, seven pounds heavier and back to my dreaded mung bean spouts, but already planning my next two voyages at sea. And even though my future bookings are on Celebrity and Norwegian, the Golden has moved Princess from the bottom spot into my top three favorite lines and I know I’ll return to her again for the International Cafe, the Skywalker’s Lounge, and the handsome if elusive Captain Aldo Traverso.
If you’re booked on her now, I wish you an equally wonderful trip. And if you’re not, I hope a special someone will surprise you with a printed off “paid in full” booking very soon. And with that…
Class Dismissed.
*Check out my Alaska port posts here. And don’t forget to subscribe to the blog (scroll up to the top right if on a computer or keep scrolling if on a mobile devise) and follow me on social media:
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