The Best Christmas Gifts For Cruisers

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Last Christmas Santa, triple masked under his hazmat suit, air dropped a gift, attached to a small parachute, over my apartment complex in order to adhere to Seattle’s strict Covid protocols. I grabbed hold of the strings, dragged it in through the window, and gave it a shake, confident it was exactly what I’d asked for: bulk Xanax. I mean, lockdown in a small downtown apartment with two adults working from home, an 7 year-old schooling from home, and a geriatric dog farting from home had been challenging. But the worst part, for me and thousands of others? Wondering if cruising would ever be back! (Which is why, a few months earlier, Santa had announced an exclusive partnership with Pfizer.)

But this year, after three post-Covid cruises and another three (including one over Christmas) booked, I’m feeling much more bullish about the future. And I’ve been working on this year’s list:

And so concludes this post, because really the only appropriate gift for a cruise lover is…a cruise.

Okay, okay, here are some other ideas (to supplement, not replace the cruise):

Christmas Gift Ideas for Cruise Lovers

Here are some cruise-themed gift ideas for your cruise-loving friends and family or, better yet, to #treatyoself.

Cruise-Themed Christmas Gifts Perfect for the Office

1. Door Sign: So every time someone knocks on your door you can say: “No offense, but please read the sign before entering so we start this conversation on the same page.”
2. Dress Socks: These cruise ship socks pair especially well with school girl skirts and lederhosen, but any ankle exposing work bottoms will do.
3. Work Shirt: Wear this sweatshirt to your annual 401k meeting: “Yes, I have a retirement plan – I plan to cruise!”
4. Pencil Case: You can also use this to hide M&M’s to snack on during boring meetings or to throw at long-winded colleagues keeping you from getting back to your office to read cruise reviews.
5. Coffee Mug:This I Work To Fund My Cruising Addiction mug will convey to your boss just how passionate you are about your vacation, I mean vocation.
6. Notebook: Call a meeting, pass each person one of these notebooks, and immediately sprint in the direction of your cruise, because quarterly goals can wait – all you need is vitamin sea!

Cruise-Themed Christmas Gifts Perfect for the Home

1. Piggy Bank: You can use this “Travel Fund” piggy bank to store your partner’s credit card. Trust me, it will make you giggle every time you look at it.
2. Ornament: If you only have room on your Charlie Brown tree for one ornament, make it this cruise ship.
3. Cruise-Themed Lamp: Purchase the anchor one on the right for your classy friends and the neon LED cruise ship one for your tacky friend Prof. Cruise (no seriously, I want one of these for my desk).
4. Cruise Ship Centerpiece: While you’ll never see it at a Martha Stewart magazine shoot, this cardboard cruise ship centerpiece will delight your Taco Tuesday friends (wait until they’ve had a few beers before you put it out though).
5. Cruise Ship Cookie Cutter: Before I moved to Seattle, I lived in Pittsburgh where weddings were judged by the neighborhood busy body not for their venue or flowers or attire, but for their cookie tables! (Any Pittsburgh peeps reading who can back me up on this?) Trust me, yours will be judged the wedding of the century with this cruise ship cookie cutter!
6. Cruise Ship Tapestry: To make your living room look like a dorm room. Or to make your dorm room look like a nursing home. Oh stop, there are plenty of young people who enjoy cruising who did not just receive an e-mail invitation to join the AARP.

True story:

Yeah, I joined. But not because I’m old enough! I did it for the free charger.

Cruise-Themed Christmas Gifts Perfect for your Partner

Because when they tell you, “oh the cruise is enough, honey” they’re LYING and you better have something for them to open! Here are a few ideas for women and men:

1. Vax Card and Passport Holder: Or if your partner is opposed to vaccination, they can use it to store their Trump card (chill, it’s just a fun play on words).
2. Nautical Scarf: To wear for Christmas dinner at your kid’s place and then to use later to tie your partner to the bed while you…eat all the leftover pie.
3. Cruise Ship Charm: To commit a crime and then leave at the scene to frame your wife: “Wasn’t me, I’m not the one with the Pandora bracelet who loves cruising.”
4. Captain’s Shirt: This is one of those gifts that you tag with the name of your husband or boyfriend, but really intend for yourself. Dress your man in this cruise ship captain t-shirt and live out all your fantasies: “Sure, I’d love a tour of your private quarters Captain.”
5. Cruise Ship Tie Clip (try saying that 10 times fast): Grab up the charm from earlier and drop this in its place. You’ll never have to pick a wet towel up from off the floor again once he goes to prison.
6. Nautical tie: Get a matching tie to bolster your case: “Yes, that pin goes with this tie, officer.”
7. Romantic Cruise Shirt: If you prefer cruising solo, get your husband one of these to remind him of how much he secretly hates traveling with you: “I think I’ll sit this one out on dry land honey. Definitely go without me.”

Cruise-Themed Christmas Gifts Perfect for Kids

Numbers 1-6, a book about ocean life, a cruise ship bath toy, aquatic comfort lovies, a cruise ship coloring book, a cruise ship building block set, and a Playmobil cruise ship toy, are all intended to indoctrinate young children into loving cruising so that someday you’ll have someone to wheel you up the gangway. I’d also suggest you show up at your local school board meeting and forcefully demand that the coloring book be added to the elementary curriculum. We must all do our part to Keep America Cruising!

As for #7, I can only imagine this t-shirt was supposed to say “milk drunk” since it’s available in child sizes. Why not get one for everyone in the family though? Safety first!

Cruise-Related Stocking Stuffers

When I initially did a search for “cruise ship stocking,” I accidentally searched for “cruise ship stalking.” Which is what I’m used to doing. No, seriously – I rented an apartment in downtown Seattle with a view of both cruise ship piers for that very reason. In any case, here are some cruise-related ideas for stocking stuffers.

1. Stocking: First you’ll need a nautical-themed stocking for stuffing. (You can also poke a little hole it it and hang it in your window for cruise ship stalking.”
2. Luggage Tags: These cruise luggage tags will encourage your New Year’s resolutions to plan ahead and become more organized. And they’ll survive the taxi ride to the pier, even if you don’t: “Well at least we know where to send her bags.”
3. Santa Cruise: A Novel: I haven’t read this one yet (so I apologize if it’s awful or offensive), but I purchased it for my Christmas cruise to hog a prime lounger by the pool.
4. Waterproof Vaccine and Ship Card Holder and Lanyard: I bought this for Mr. Cruise to prevent him from asking me approximately 5,000 times over our 10-night cruise: “Have you seen my ship card?”
5. Water Shoes: I see these as a loophole, skirting around that pesky “no shoes, no service” rule in the dining areas. In a similar vein, you could also get one of those novelty t-shirts with a sexy body in a bikini or speedo printed on it and go from the pool to dining in the MDR in under 5 minutes: “Table for one by the window please, and FYI, this is actually a shirt and these are technically shoes.”
6. Pineapple Towel Clips: I post these here as both a recommendation and a warning. You should definitely pick up a pair of clips, used to secure towels to loungers, for your wife. However, you should absolutely not get her these pineapple ones unless you’re looking to spice up your marriage or were disappointed in that reality series “Wife Swap” because instead of finally validating your life choices on mainstream TV, it was just a bunch of boring, white-bread couples arguing over chores and child rearing practices. All that is to say that pineapples are used by swingers to signal each other for S-E-X. As in, “if I put a pineapple on this lounger I’m not hoping for a cold cocktail to be waiting for me when I get back. No, I’m hoping for a warm-blooded man. And that man better not be my husband.” I know this all too personally having decorated my cabin door on a cruise to Hawaii with a s**t-ton of pineapples only to be told “never mind” by several gentleman when I answered the door with a towel on my head as I yelled at my kid to stop jumping on the bed. So go with one of THESE towel clips instead.

Essentials for your Christmas Cruise

Spending Christmas onboard this year like I am? Here are some essentials you’ll want to pick up for your Christmas cruise:

1. Ugly Sweater: Even though you intend this equally festive and classy sweatshirt to serve as an extra layer in case it gets chilly in the MDR during Christmas dinner, don’t be surprised if it mistakenly gets entered into your ships “ugly sweater contest” and declared the undisputed winner even though it’s technically not a sweater.
2. Nautical Gift Wrap: So those nice TSA folks working at the airport over the holidays have something to open. (Pro-tip, don’t wrap your gifts in advance if you’re traveling to your cruise by air.)
3. Cookies For Santa: Grab some cookies from the buffet to display on this adorable “cookies for Santa” plate, post photos to Instagram and ensure the kids are asleep before eating them, and come clean on Christmas morning with this “I Ate Santa’s Cookies” sweatshirt.
4. Travel Tree: Slap this felt Christmas tree onto your stateroom wall and don’t worry about dry pine needles puncturing the bottoms of your feet until next Christmas. And it comes with a free snowman advent calendar so you don’t accidentally opt for buffet pizza and miss Christmas dinner in the MDR.
5. Dear Santa Kit: If your child or grandchild is worried about Santa finding him on the ship, don’t say what’s really on your mind: “How could you possibly believe that a man could remain jolly when he spends 11 months of the year working 24/7 as a production manager in a place too cold to even step outside for a smoke break and the other month getting peed and pooped and barfed on by terrified toddlers, red-faced and screaming through their photo op?” Instead, purchase this Dear Santa kit and help him compose a letter to the mythical jolly man with instructions on where to deliver his toys.
6. Custom Christmas Cruise Shirts: You can all wear these for your Christmas card photo!
7. Mass-produced Cruise Christmas Card: Or, if you can’t get your husband and son to cooperate for the photo and you decide it’s weird to send out a Christmas photo of just yourself (I mean, it didn’t stop me), you can go with these mass-produced cruise-themed Christmas cards. The outside shows Santa boarding a cruise ship and the inside reads: “Wishing you smooth sailing throughout the new year.”
8. Santa Onesie: This Santa adult onesie will both allow you to effectively hide cruise bloating and weight gain and offer an excuse for eating 3 lunches: “I’m just trying to stay in character.”

Here’s Mr. Cruise modeling the Santa onesie on two of our prior Christmas cruises:

Gifts to use Onboard

1. Travel Mug: An insulated travel tumbler to keep your coffee hot and your cocktails from spilling because, well, you’re ship faced.
2. A Puzzle: To keep you entertained on sea days. This might not be the best choice though. Try this fully afloat Carnival cruise ship one or this Royal Caribbean one.
3. What Happens on the Ship Stays on the Ship Socks: Maybe you should get those pineapple towel clips after all!
4. Cruise Ship Door Cover: You’ll feel like a real cruise ship captain with this door cover. Careful though, your dad never taught you to navigate a cruise ship between a couple of orange cones in the church parking lot (see photo #2 above).
5. Customized Cabin Door Magnet: If you purchased the drink package and want to make sure you pass out in front of the correct stateroom.
6. Extra Outlets: This cruise approved power strip with 3 three-pronged outlets and 2 USB ports for all your tech addicted friends.
7. Cruise Shirt: For the overly literal. For everyone else, go HERE for my curated list of fun cruise shirts.
8. Sunrise Alarm Clock: I never sleep better than in an inside cabin on a cruise ship. In fact, one time I went to sleep on embarkation night and woke up to find a backlog of 7 daily newsletters and debarkation instructions on my door. I’d slept through my whole cruise! I had to eat 40,000 calories at the buffet that morning to make up for all I’d missed! So from then on I started bringing along this sunrise alarm clock. You can program this digital clock to simulate the sunrise, so you wake up in time for your first of three breakfasts.
9. Cruise-themed masks: While cruising is back, it’s still not totally back to how it was pre-pandemic. These days masks and cruising go together like raisins and oatmeal cookies. Clearly one is much better without the other, but hey, it’s still a cookie. And it’s still a cruise! Make the best of it with a fun cruise-themed mask. My Carnival friends will like this “Cruisin and Boozin” one (I kid, I kid) and my fellow cruising addicts and pun lovers will like this “No Cruise Control” one.
10. Thank You Cards: I saved these thank you cards for last because, while most of the items included in this guide were selected for being some combination of useful and humorous, this one I recommend with all seriousness. I suggest you pick up a pack of these cards before each cruise. Compose a hand-written note of thanks and include an extra cash tip inside for ship crew who have worked so hard, far away from their homes and families, often missing holidays and special occasions, to make your cruise vacation special.

And with that, I wish you and your family a safe, joyous, and cruise-filled holiday season.

Class Dismissed.

Homework: No homework! It’s Christmas! But be sure to follow me on Instagram (@profcruise) for daily cruise content and to see what it’s like to cruise over Christmas, New Years, and a birthday (my son’s turning 9 on our Christmas cruise)!