Ding: Hello, hello, hello! Three hellos in honor of this being my third trip on a big boat. Also, Prof. Cruise told me, “it’s time you start earning your keep around here,” so I’m in training to become a cruise director/Carnival brand ambassador – I’m coming for you, John Heald!
If you don’t know me I’m “H,” Prof. Cruise’s teaching/travel assistant. You may be more familiar with my alter ego Batman:
At the time of this sailing in the late summer of 2015 I was 2.5 in calendar years, but 13 in shoe size and sass.
It had been an exhausting couple of years – 90% of the time Prof. Cruise and dad were totally clueless. I had to kick and scream to get their attention and yell EXACTLY what I wanted, “-10 degrees is NOT too cold to wear shorts,” and they STILL did everything wrong. Then they put me on this “time-out chair,” which I’d never ONCE requested. Also, they were the inspiration for that NBC drama “Stalkers.” They installed a secret listening device in my room and followed my every move – I couldn’t even take a bath or sit on my pink princesses potty in private.
I needed some alone time. And some cheese and sherbet. Solution: SOLO CRUISE. Now, which one?
I got a trike for Christmas and I’d been itching to get her out on the open road for a long drive. Also, I’m a huge fan of the beach. So I settled on the Pride out of Baltimore (I was living in Pittsburgh at the time) with stops at Grand Turk, Half Moon Cay, and Freeport.
So I log onto the Carnival website and select a nice balcony room that Prof. Cruise and grandma can’t hog this time, pull out my zoo membership card to pay, and….WAIT, WHAT??!?! Why am I being charged double? I log onto Cruise Critic and discover I’m about to become the latest victim of the big, bad, mean, green solo supplement. That thing’s scarier than Prof. Cruise when she’s trying to quit sugar.
Well, scary, stalker Profparazzi was spying on me as usual and heard my distress. Then she was like, “you know, I could come on that cruise with you and it would cost the same.” As much as I hate to admit it, I’m my mother’s son. And if there’s one thing you should know about Prof. Cruise, she’s cheap. So after she SWORE she’d spend every waking hour at the Kid’s Club and leave me to my sherbet and cheese, and after I was like, “put it on YOUR zoo membership card,” I agreed.
Here’s Prof. Cruise:
You’ve probably seen her hiding in your bushes. Don’t feed her and she’ll eventually go away.
A few months went by. Then stalker #2, AKA daddy, was like, “are you sure you want to travel with Prof. Cruise alone? She can be a little difficult to manage in the MDR and who will watch her while you hit the comedy club?” Fine. So I let dad come too. Sigh.
Here’s dad:
He’s sort of the Cleveland sports fan equivalent of a Carnival cheerleader – no matter how many times they disappoint, he’ll defend them and remain loyal until the bitter end.
If you’ve read my prior reviews (you can read them here), you know that I organize them as follows: “ship and ship activities,” and “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” But I always begin with the one thing in life I love more than trains and not taking naps: FOOD!!!
Now, remember to ask questions and chime in (there’s a comments section at the end of the review). Let’s share our experiences – good, bad, and ugly (although, please, we avoid the hairy chest contest for a reason!) – and have some fun!
High five!!!
But first, sail away with me under the Key Bridge. By the way, I’ll be including detailed information about embarkation and parking at the Port of Baltimore in the “ship” section, including how to save $89.95 on FTTF (Faster to the Fun) and still be on board, stuffing your face, by noon.
Bye Baltimore! I hope we get lost at sea and I never have to see you again. No offense.
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss
For months Prof. Cruise would dream of Carnival Melting Chocolate Cake with TWO ice creams every night. Then wake up and enter her darn oatmeal with fruit into myfitnesspal. Until finally:
Before I continue, a bit of background for those of you too lazy to go read my past reviews (“what a shame, what a shame, what a shame.” – also, Dr. Seuss). First, Prof. Cruise loves to eat. You should know that once, on a anniversary trip to Vegas, daddy shelled out a grand (true story) for a 16 course dinner at Joël Robuchon and, after, Prof. Cruise was like, “is there a Golden Corral around here, I’m still hungry!”
That’s to say she prefers piles and piles of mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and yeast rolls to au plat sur un riz nacré juste doré et aux copeaux de truffe noire. I don’t know what that is (ship-on-a-stick for anyone who can translate), but Prof. Cruise says she needed a microscope to see it and all 16 courses could have shared a bread plate with room to do yoga.
Also, Prof. Cruise does this thing where she orders a bunch of food and blames it on me. “So, you’ll have a salad and the small lad here would like 3 of everything. Is that correct?” Then she keeps trading out plates, putting the empty ones in front of me! I think it’s the only reason she has a kid. Well, that and so she can dress me up in humiliating outfits to take my picture (see throughout) and laugh when I mispronounce words so it sounds like I’m swearing: “fork.”
If opposites attract, I guess my dream of only having to spend every other weekend with Prof. Cruise will remain just that. Prof. Cruise and daddy are opposites when it comes to food (also, look at them). Mom’s a quantity over quality, sugar loving vegetarian (mostly vegan at home) and daddy’s mouth wouldn’t recognize anything not Greek yogurt, meat, or a protein shake. He’s also been known to spit food into his napkin (see my Sensation review), which is to say he cares a great deal about quality.
Me? When I get my own apartment at 12:01am on December 29th 2030, I plan to stock my kitchen with nothing but orange sherbet and cheese.
There’s one thing Prof. Cruise, daddy, and I can agree on though – food is an important part of vacation. And, because food porn keeps us going in between trips (when we have to eat with our eyes for the sake of our thighs), we’re that annoying family blinding you with our flash every night in the MDR.
So, go get your napkins to wipe up the drool and let’s continue in the MDR with…DESSERT. I’ll also cover appetizers and main courses as well as the Lido buffet, Guy’s Burgers, Blue Iguana Cantina, Pizza Pirate, Deli, Room Service, Sea Day Brunch, Dr. Seuss Brunch, the specialty coffee shop, tea time, David’s Steakhouse, and Bonsai Sushi.
Note that the Pride still had the old menus on our sailing, so some of these items are no longer available.
Those were Prof. Cruise’s two newest favorite desserts: the vanilla crème brulee and the warm fig, date, and cinnamon cake with vanilla, NOT rum raisin ice cream. Prof. Cruise believes raisins should ONLY be used for bribing your obstinate two year old to get in the car when it’s time to go home and should NEVER appear in a dessert! Or anywhere else!
Prof. Cruise’s old favorite dessert (which she still loves): Grand Marnier soufflé
And my new and old and forever favorite desserts: orange sherbet and cheese plate
Dad’s favorite was the bitter and blanc. Prof. Cruise loves it too, but couldn’t make it to the MDR that night due to the infamous poisoning incident (stay tuned).
Speaking of dad, he now holds the new record for most desserts ordered in a single night in the MDR: apple pie, Carnival Chocolate Melting Cake with 2 ice creams, Grand Marnier soufflé, and pineapple sherbet. He waited until the last night after Prof. Cruise had already ordered so she couldn’t one-up him and maintain her title. She knew the number to beat on our next cruise! Training commenced on Monday!
The desserts that follow were all delicious and fell somewhere between our favorite and least favorite. Yes, there does exist a dessert Prof. Cruise didn’t like.
Black forest gateau
Butter pecan ice cream
Chocolate raspberry and vanilla cream cake
Cappuccino pie
Cherries jubilee with a side of lime sherbet
Amaretto cake
New York cheesecake
Apple pie with a “nice” crust. Nice? Some dude got paid to come up with the menu descriptions. We were expecting this to be awful. Fire that guy, Carnival, and hire Prof. Cruise (flaky, golden, buttery goodness) — it was far better than “nice.”
If I had to bet on the Browns winning the Super Bowl (sorry, dad) or Prof. Cruise disliking a dessert (at least one without raisins), I’d go with the Browns. But, it turns out, Prof. Cruise didn’t like the caramelized apples on puff pastry. At all. It wasn’t even “nice.” She found it difficult to stuff in thy face (like, literally – how do you cut that darn thing?) and bland. Shockingly enough, there was also another dessert she didn’t like on the “big boat,” but you’ll have to stay tuned for that. Hint: it was NOT at the Lido buffet.
Let’s end this section on a positive note though:
I liked to think of my three courses in the MDR each evening as an ice cream sandwich, with fruit “ice cream” soup as an appetizer, a healthy entrée like cheese pizza to appease Prof. Cruise in the middle, and orange sherbet ice cream for dessert.
I LOVED all the ice cream soups, as did Prof. Cruise. One night I deviated from my usual and ordered the tropical fruits as an appetizer and when Prof. Cruise and dad realized the fruit was soaked in tequila, they ordered me three more. I don’t remember anything after that.
Prof. Cruise’s favorite starter besides the ice cream soups was the arugula, mint and vegetable salad. It was so light and delicious. Her least favorite was the fried vegetable spring rolls – she considers those proof that there’s a microwave in the MDR kitchen. Don’t feel sorry for her though, she’s ordered them on two prior Carnival cruises and didn’t like them either time. Some people learn through experience (you’ll note I didn’t even try the asparagus “ice cream” soup this time) and some, like Prof. Cruise, walk down the “even” hall to stateroom 4219 every. single. time. and keep ordering the vegetable rolls even though she finds them soggy and gross.
Daddy stuck to the Caesar salad, which he thought was very good, from the everyday menu most nights, but tried several other things he liked as well (chicken tenders, crab cake, shrimp cocktail).
Yes, there are photos of everything. Calm down – whining gets you nothing. Man, if I had a quarter for every time I have to say that to Prof. Cruise in a day.
Tropical fruits (with tequila)
Cream of sun ripened tomatoes
Fried chicken tenders, marinated cucumber and lettuce
Gazpacho andalouse
Fresh fruit cocktail
Caesar salad
Fried vegetable spring rolls
Chilled shrimp cocktail
Baked stuffed white mushrooms
Strawberry bisque
Chilled cucumber soup with dill
Green bean and roma tomatoes
Vine ripe beefsteak tomatoes and buffalo mozzarella
Asparagus vichyssoise (that’s as far as my spoon went)
New England crab cake
Arugula, mint and vegetable salad. It’s so cliché for a vegetarian to order salad, so Prof. Cruise hardly ever does. She loved the two salads she ordered in the MDR, though.
Corn chowder Maryland
Saving the best for last:
Mango cream
Before I move on to MDR entrees, a few words about our wait staff. Our head waiter was Adina. She seemed sweet, worked extremely hard (as everyone on our “big boat” did), and was quick and efficient. She didn’t interact with me as much as the head waiters (shout out to Art and Everton!) on the Freedom and Sensation though. She had two assistants helping her. One brought me bread, so I liked him a lot. I think Prof. Cruise must have offended the other one with her smell or screaming, because he didn’t seem to like us very much.
Hardly a high five to be seen in the MDR (which is to say the staff wasn’t as friendly as we’ve grown accustomed to), but we still enjoyed ourselves very much.
One of my favorite parts of the MDR is SHHHHOW TIME!!! And man did Ken, our maître d’, know how to put on a heck of a show. He had a wonderful voice (almost a great as Prof. Cruise’s) and sang each night before the waiters danced.
Here’s our wait staff singing us goodbye while thinking, “don’t let the gangway hit ya where the good lord….”
And here I am dancing with my new bff.
As a vegetarian, Prof. Cruise’s entrée choices were limited to the Indian vegetarian or the evening’s featured vegetarian selection. Her strategy was to go with the vegetarian selection unless it didn’t appeal to her, in which case she’d go with the Indian vegetarian, which has always been outstanding. If you like Indian, you’ll LOVE it or you can call me a liar. Seriously, you’d call a sweet little 2 year-old names? You’re a monster.
After dad’s unfortunate experience with the “award winning” fish dish on the Sensation, he decided to stay away from anything with more than two ingredients. That served him well and he didn’t have to spit anything out in his napkin.
Me? Well I’m also a vegetarian, but one with a more sophisticated palate than Prof. Cruise, so I was limited to the cheese pizza, PB&J, and tofu.
I’ll start there, with the tofu steak, because I know you endured all those desserts in anticipation of finally getting to feast your eyes on:
Indian vegetarian
Grilled flat iron steak from USDA choice beef (dad’s orange sherbet)
Southern fried chicken
Chili rellenos. Prof. Cruise’s 1 for 3 with this. She loved it on the Sensation, but didn’t like it on the Freedom or Pride. Was VERY small, with almost no filling and too spicy HOT on the Pride.
Barbecued St. Louis style pork spare ribs
Baked herb polenta. Prof. Cruise loved this.
Penne siciliana. I tried this too. After scraping all the veggies off, it was very good.
Cinnamon, pumpkin, squash, yam and cheddar cheese pie. This used to be Prof. Cruise’s favorite, but, after making dad order an extra one for her, she was disappointed. Bland on the Pride.
Zucchini and eggplant parmigiana
Grilled jumbo tiger shrimps
Tender roasted prime rib of American beef au jus. Dad was pleasantly surprised — said it was a pretty good cut of meat, not too fatty and he really liked the creamed spinach.
And my two favorites:
Don’t calculate your Weight Watcher’s points just yet, there’s more! Up next, Lido Buffet.
There was cheese and soft serve ice cream. That’s all you really need to know.
Caribbean day
French day
Lifo buffet desserts. Worst cruise line desserts, but we hear they’ve gotten better.
This strawberry soft serve helped mom survive the infamous poisoning incident. “If it bleeds, it leads,” so I’m going to keep referencing the infamous poisoning incident to keep you reading. Rest assured, I’ll eventually get to the story or you’ll see it this Friday night on Dateline NBC (Episode: Poisoning on the high seas).
With a location almost directly above our stateroom all the way at the back of the Lido dining area, we ate here quite a bit. This was also one of dad’s “safe” foods – when the roast on the buffet turned green and furry and started chasing him, daddy ran to the Pizza Pirate, because that dude had a sword. And good pizza.
We tried 3 of the 5 varieties (margherita, quattro formaggi, and prosciutto) and liked them all. They prepare the pies to order, which means they are really fresh, but also means there is usually a wait (and a long one at peak times). But good things shall come, and so on.
Here’s the prosciutto (topped with arugula):
Here’s the margherita:
Here’s the quattro formaggi:
H approved!
Prof. Cruise loved the breakfast burritos at the Blue Iguana Cantina so much she made a collage of them to use as her screen saver (see below), wrote a song about them to the tune of “Big Butts,” and gave up “bitter and blanc” night in the MDR and almost her life for one (infamous poisoning incident…keep reading or tune in Friday night). Daddy also really liked the breakfast burritos (which played a part in the infamous poisoning incident…stay tuned).
Me? I preferred the arepas and had them everyday for breakfast. They are fried sweet corn pancake thingies filled with cheese. Prof. Cruise loves these too, although she didn’t think the arepas on the Pride were as tasty as those on the Freedom. Not as sweet and a little soggy on the Pride.
Daddy tried a lunch burrito and thought it was “okay.” Not as good as the breakfast ones. Prof. Cruise has to give Carnival props for having a habanero salsa that was too spicy for daddy. Nothing has ever been too spicy for daddy. After defeating many spicy food challenges, he was taken down by a “fun ship.”
They make a mean grilled cheese (I threw some fries on there whenever I missed home — let’s see if anyone can guess where I’m from) and Prof. Cruise really enjoyed this tomato, mozzarella, arugula sandwich:
The best thing about the deli? It was never crowded. The wait was rarely more than a minute or two and everything was made fresh to order.
I ordered a veggie burger at Guy’s (takes about 10 minutes to cook) which didn’t appear on the posted menu (score!). But I pushed it too far when I asked for it “animal style.” The server seemed very confused, “an animal style veggie burger?” So I just had him throw some cheese on it and I headed over to the deli and ordered a reuben with no corned beef or sauerkraut. I slapped the two together and had an animal style veggie burger. Then I headed over to the soft serve machines and mixed some chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla together in a glass with some milk and BAM, neapolitan shake. Best of my two favorite burger joints combined! Try it – you’ll thank me.
Dad liked Guy’s a lot. He ordered several different on-menu items (boring) and took advantage of the extensive toppings bar.
Here’s the “animal style” veggie burger
Here are the new room service menus on the Pride.
Prof. Cruise was DEVASTATED they removed her mushroom sandwich and threw a huge tantrum and refused to order her favorite two desserts out of protest. I was like, “I understand you’re feeling disappointed, but you shouldn’t give a mushroom that kind of power,” and proceeded to order two each of these because you know as soon as she saw them, she’d forget all about her convictions and want MINE:
Chocolate cake (best ever!)
New York cheesecake. This looked and tasted different than it has in the past. It used to be cut in a square with a strawberry sauce. The new version looked and tasted more like authentic NY cheesecake. Very good.
I only ordered room service twice because, well, I had a daddy to run up and get me whatever I wanted from the Lido to eat on my balcony. I knew there had to be a reason I brought him along.
I didn’t care for any of the new “pay” items on the menu except for the cheese pizza – but, hello, you can get that at like 20 other places for free – and Prof. Cruise and dad couldn’t imagine paying for anything they offered, except for maybe the sushi (which is something they intended to pay extra to try at Bonsai Sushi anyway). It will be interesting to see what happens with the menu going forward. Has anyone out there tried any of the pay items?
We’re a family that loves brunch – if it’s Sunday, there’s, like, a 150% chance you’ll find us at one – so naturally the Seaday Brunch is something Prof. Cruise and dad really enjoy about Carnival. I prefer the Green Eggs and Ham brunch, myself, but at least this thing had pancakes. The service was good each time we attended and the food was excellent, with one exception (I know you’ve all been practicing “waiting patiently” for me to reveal the second dessert mom didn’t like…it’s coming).
Depending on whether you go in the morning or afternoon (it’s open from 8:30-1pm on…seadays, duh) you’ll either get a basket of these on the table:
Or these:
Prof. Cruise loves the popovers. If you’re antisocial and want both a private table AND a private dining room (and you want the awesome popovers versus the so-so pastry basket), go more towards 1pm. Here’s what we ordered:
Flamin’ tomatoes soup
Fresh fruit platter with cottage cheese (or plain)
Funnest French toast (with honey nut Cheerios)
Hey pork chop
Pappardelle “Principe di Napoli”
Fat stack pancakes (available plain or with chocolate or blueberry topping)
I really enjoyed those pancakes. Hope you packed the stain stick, dad.
Mac ‘n Cheese
Hen alla diavola
And the two best desserts of all time (or at least that particular hour):
And
Caramelized cheesecake
Now, stay tuned for the worst dessert of all time. But first, I need to distract Prof. Cruise so I can sneak something from the fridge – I’m starving!
So, Prof. Cruise wondered why no one ever talks about the “double chocolate brownie” on the brunch menu. She’s never even seen a photo of it and she spends, like, 40 hours a day looking at food porn (intervention time). This brownie is sort of a chicken or the egg dilemma. Does it become the worst dessert of all time because no one ever orders it and it gets all dried out and rock hard or does it start out as the worst dessert of all time and that’s why no one ever orders it? Either way, thank Prof. Cruise for providing a photo and description so you don’t have to order it to find out.
Warning: don’t look directly at it.
Okay, glad that’s over with. Up next? What heaven looks like to a 2.5 year old.
“If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn’t show up.” – Dr. Seuss
Dr. Seuss would not be joining us for this breakfast, because 1) he’s been dead for 25 years (RIP) and 2) Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2, and Sam were invited. Even if the good Dr. would not enjoy dining with his characters, he would surely be happy to know the joy that experience brings to so many, both the young and the old and weird (Prof. Cruise), I mean, young at heart.
There were two times available, 8am and 9:45am on the final sea day. Yeah, like I was going to wait until 9:45 – I’ve already waited a week! We signed up right after embarkation at a table near the guest services desk. The cost was $5 per person. I like to charge as much as I can to Prof. Cruise’s Carnival credit card while on board to help her earn double points toward more cruises – I’m helpful like that.
So, the day of the brunch came and I was both sad that it was our last day on the “big boat” and happy (being sad and happy, usually several times in the same minute, isn’t unusual for me) for one of the things I’d most been looking forward to.
Prof. Cruise’s decorating style is “subtle.” Read as “boring and bland” — I wish she would decorate my room to look like the Green Eggs and Ham breakfast! With a fresh character ice sculpture daily! Check this:
The service for brunch wasn’t the best. It was slow and much of our order was delivered incorrectly. But that didn’t distract from the fun – I was most interested in meeting him:
and him…
and him…
and also playing “peak-a-boo” with him…
The food (even if it wasn’t exactly what we ordered) was full of sugar and artificial food coloring – my two favorite ingredients.
Here’s the menu:
Green Eggs and Ham
The Who’s fruit and cottage cheese
Funny Belgian waffles
Fox in Socks steak and eggs
Cheddar grits
You can think about yogurt parfait Schlopp
Action shot of the yogurt parfait
And finally, the Truffula Tree pancakes
The Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast is Thing 2 (because I’m 2, get it?) approved!
And because it’s the law that every dad be humiliated at the Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast:
Next up, afternoon tea. *Warning, I wasn’t there so this section is going to be super boring and poorly written*
“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good.” – Dr. Seuss
Prof. Cruise wanted to try at least three new things on the Pride. This was one of them (stay tuned for the other two).
The way Prof Cruise explained afternoon tea to me went something like this: blah, blah, blah, blah, The Queen, best manners, and you have to wear a shirt. Um, no thank you. So I hit camp. Prof. Cruise and dad provided me with their notes for this section.
Afternoon tea takes place at 3pm on sea days in the MDR. There were 10 or so tables for 2 available and several large shared tables. Prof. Cruise and dad were at a shared table with some really lovely people who didn’t mind that daddy was wearing gym shorts (only on Carnival), that Prof. Cruise walked in 10 minutes late (that had nothing to do with me) and that neither of them knew tea drinking etiquette. NEVER hold your cup with your pinkie finger extended or lift up your saucer if seated or look around at other guests while drinking (that’s how you ended up with hot tea down your dress), Prof. Cruise! And she was worried about MY manners?
Anyway, several servers came around with a selection of teas or coffee and a cart of finger sandwiches and delicious desserts. I wish Prof. Cruise had told me about the desserts. It’s almost as if she didn’t want me there.
Prof. Cruise and dad felt very fancy and enjoyed this very much.
Dad loves him some sushi with his wasabi, so he was excited to try Carnival’s specialty restaurant, Bonsai Sushi. Prof. Cruise doesn’t eat fish (although the “tofishy” is her sandwich of choice at her favorite vegetarian restaurant – yeah, laugh), but is obsessed with Asian desserts (well, desserts from all cultures, really – but she’s particularly fond of those flavored with green tea, red bean, and taro), so she was really looking forward to trying the green tea cupcakes and yuzu custard. She also loves Japanese décor (and tea pots, especially) because it reminds her of a life-altering trip to Japan she took as a youngster many, many, many, many years ago.
Dad hit up the place solo first to make sure Prof. Cruise would approve. At least that’s what he told her when she was like, “why did you go without me?!?!” He ordered two different rolls, a bunch of sashimi, the green tea cupcakes and Yuzu custard and thought it was all very good. He preferred the tempura roll to the tuna roll, though.
Complimentary green tea. Prof. Cruise LOVED this tea pot.
Complimentary edamame
Spicy tuna roll
Tempura roll
Ebi, sake, manguro, and hamachi sashimi
Green tea cupcakes
Yuzu custard. Lucky dad snapped a shot of this – it’s all Prof. Cruise ever saw of it!
Prof. Cruise joined daddy for the second trip and ordered this:
Bonsai noodle salad
Miso soup
Green tea cupcakes
You’ll note there’s no photo of the yuzu custard, which was the one thing Prof. Cruise wanted most in the world. She ordered it but they ran out right before she was to get hers. If you want the yuzu with lunch, better get there before 2:00pm. They said they’d have more by dinner, but Prof. Cruise had other plans and it was the last day, so she never got to try it. What a shame, she’ll have to book a future trip on the Pride! She liked her soup and noodles, although she probably wouldn’t pay to have them again. They were very, very, small, even for just $2 each. The green tea cupcakes were excellent and definitely worth the $2.
Finally, Prof. Cruise and dad shared the sake. Prof. Cruise thinks it tastes like gross, warm beer and always regrets ordering it.
In summary…
Prof. Cruise hates spending extra on food because there’s SO MUCH great free stuff available. Daddy definitely thought this was worth it, though, and Prof. Cruise wishes she had those green tea cupcakes about now. And me? I don’t even know when all of this happened. Must have been after they gave me the tequila fruit.
Known to Prof. Cruise as the place with the giant desserts.
There are two options for specialty coffees on the Pride, a small location at the back of the lido dining area between Pizza Pirate and the salad bar and forward on deck 2 right next to the sports bar. The location on deck 2 also serves an assortment of desserts for a small charge: $3.95 for milkshakes and $2.25 for cakes/pastries.
Here’s the menu (this doesn’t include the desserts from the display case, but don’t fret, Prof. Cruise took at least 5,000 photos of those):
Prof. Cruise had her eyes on the carrot cake which she’d heard people rave about and to passersby it looked like she was checking the darn thing for ticks. She was looking for…dun dun dun…raisins. Daddy was like, “why don’t we try it and you can pick the raisins out, hold them up with a horrified expression like aliens have invaded earth, and then shout DADDY TAKE THEM NOW. Oh wait, that’s my other 2 year-old.”
So, daddy and his 37 year-old toddler shared the carrot cake and, bad news for those of you who like rotten grapes, there was only one to be found in the entire piece (and believe me, Prof. Cruise WILL find them all). Prof. Cruise threw it at daddy, knocking him to the ground and, while he was down, ran up to the chapel to marry that cake. Maybe that’s why daddy tried to poison her (the plot thickens…stay tuned).
Then Prof. Cruise checked the limit on her Carnival credit card to see how many more she could order. Feast your eyes on this (with sounds of heaven playing in the background)…
Prof. Cruise and dad also tried two of the spiked coffees, the chocolate lovers coffee, and the Caribbean coffee. Both good. One of the spiked coffees is on special each day for $4.95.
Daddy also ordered a latte once or twice each day, which he enjoyed. They have a frequent coffee card, but dad ended up a few short of a free drink. He also tried an apple pastry, which he didn’t think was very good.
You should know that this section is being reported 3rd person, from daddy to Prof. Cruise to me, so some of the details might be a little sketchy and the photos a little blurry.
The nice thing about being a meat lover with a vegetarian wife and kid is that you can ditch them for a peaceful dinner for one at the steakhouse and they won’t even be mad (until they see the photo of the cheesecake they missed!).
Photos of everything to follow, but here’s dad’s summary of the experience. Service: okay, but odd. There were teams of two servers. His team delivered his courses out of order – he got his steak before he got some of his starters and sides. He found that strange. Food: good, but not great. Again, keep in mind that dad has high standards, but he felt he could have gotten an equally good meal (if not better) at Outback. His qualification was, “but that’s all Outback does…they don’t have to, like, sail a giant ship and entertain people and crap.” Highlights were the lobster bisque, the creamed spinach, and the cheesecake. He was pleased that he was able to order multiple starters and sides, so he got to try quite a few different things.
In the end, he was glad he tried it and felt like it was worth the $35 to do once, but won’t be doing it again. He noted that many of the items also filtered through the MDR at some point (crab cake, creamed spinach, etc) and that he could get a pretty good cut of meat in the regular MDR (where he could dine with his beloved family).
Here’s what he had:
Lobster bisque with vintage cognac
New England crab cake
Baked potato with trimmings
Creamed spinach with garlic
Some unknown slab of meat. How the heck should I know? Can anyone identify this – dad’s not home to ask.
Cheesecake with hazelnut biscuit
Dad also ordered two drinks, a martini and a sidecar:
Well that concludes the food portion of the review. So I expect to lose most of you. Too bad, because if you stick around you’ll get to find out if dad went to prison. The next section will focus on the “big boat” and “big boat” activities, including detailed information about embarkation and debarkation at the Port of Baltimore and Prof. Cruise’s vibrating bed. If that doesn’t peak your interest, I give up.
We pulled up to the port parking lot at 10:50am (not that we were eager or anything). The lot was open and there were two lines of about 10 cars each waiting to drop off their luggage.
Here’s what that part of the process looked like:
It took us 5 minutes to unload our luggage and proceed to the pay station. Cost was $105 for the week (a lot less than 3 plane tickets, that’s for sure!). We picked a spot close to the building and made our way inside. The three lines – to show our passports and tickets, to clear security, and to get our sail and sign cards – were short and moved fast. By 11:50 the wedding parties, platinums and diamonds, and FTTF were called. Then, it was our turn! I could have stepped on the heals of those FTTF’s and, because I’m miniature and have two years of practice running from my parents, I made it up to the Red Frog Pub first for the free beer (if you believe that, I have a hellava bargain on some diamonds for you).
That 5 minute wait felt like foreeeeeeever at the time, though. I just wanted to be on that “big boat” so bad. I had to be a good example for Prof. Cruise though, so I couldn’t throw a huge tantrum.
While there are definitely other benefits to purchasing FTTF (that we didn’t get to take advantage of), we got on the ship exactly 30 seconds after those who paid the extra money.
Here we are making our way up the gangway!
Maybe the extra 30 seconds is worth it to you or maybe you’d prefer six Mocha Chocolate Getaways, like me. Either way, we’re on the “big boat” and ready to partaaaay. Here I am cutting it up on the dance floor.
And here I am watching the “lifters” load up our “big boat” with supplies. Fire up the engines captain, the orange sherbet and cheese are on board!
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” – Dr. Seuss
Muster drill was the only time all week Prof. Cruise said, “I’m glad we brought you along.” Wait, I brought YOU along, lady. Anyway, we all agree that muster drill is important, but the question remains: how do we make it as painless as possible? Do we go early with the hope that everyone else will follow us and it will be over quickly? Do we hide in a bathroom stall with our feet up on the toilet until 10 minutes after it was scheduled to start and avoid eye contact when we walk in late? Nah, it’s simple – take a toddler (or a Prof. Cruise who’s had too many DOD’s to walk) in a stroller.
Instead of getting packed in with the rest of the sardines, we were directed to our own private corner next to the door. I felt like a VIP. Where’s the wine? We had a great view of the “safety show” and, more importantly, were the first ones out of there when it ended. I ran right up to the Red Frog Pub for another free beer (if you believe that, I have a blowout deal on a watch for you).
We had room 4219 – an aft standard balcony (which I totally hogged this time, see below). We loved being closer to the water and the quick trip to and from the MDR and Lido FOOD areas. There was an open public deck right below us, but there was hardly ever anyone out there and it didn’t bother us at all except that I couldn’t throw Cheerios at anyone.
Re: aft vibration. On the first night, Prof. Cruise thought dad put a quarter in the bed to get her in the mood – was like an anniversary trip to the Poconos, minus the heart shaped tub. It would have worked too if I hadn’t been snoring like a wild boar 3 inches from Prof. Cruise’s head after an hour of fighting sleep. Alas, Prof. Cruise just looked at me and then at daddy and said, “no sir, that’s how we got into this mess in the first place.” Then she paged Felipe to separate the bed and got online to see where she could order one of those moving beds when she got home. She loved it and would stay aft again on the Pride specifically FOR the vibration. Seriously though, we only felt it a few times and it wasn’t bad at all.
Here’s our room and bathroom. My stroller kept photo bombing, but it saved us at Muster, so all is forgiven.
Felipe was our room steward, BTW. We rarely saw him, but when we did, he was cheerful and happy to see us, kept our room clean, and made cute towel animals. Plus, he lives on a cruise ship most days of the year. Prof. Cruise’s ideal man. Maybe there’s hope for that every other weekend arraignment after all. Daddy better keep Prof. Cruise in cruises, or else! Our only real complaint (and it was really minor) was that our wet beach towels were taken after the first port day and never replaced.
Here’s the 12 pack of water mom purchased in the Fun Shops a month or so before we set sail.
As I’ve mentioned, Prof. Cruise loves a bargain. One day on Cruise Critic, there was a thread re: a pricing mistake on the Fun Shops site. The 12 pack of water that normally sells for, like, 13 bucks, was listed at $2.99. Prof. Cruise JUMPED on that like an H on the bed and had her lawsuit written up should H fall and bump his head, I mean, should they try to cancel her order once they realized the error. Well, turns out Carnival lowered the price intentionally on the heal of their new bottle policy (no more bringing bottles of water or soda on board). Of course then Prof. Cruise was mad that she spent $2.99 on water she could have gotten for free from the tap. No pleasing that woman.
Prof. Cruise hit the gym for an hour in the afternoon on two sea days. And in that time, she managed to work off this:
She thought the gym was great for those looking to save time by combining their cardio and steam – it was HOT and HUMID in there (who thought it was a good idea to put a hot tub right smack in the middle of the exercise machines?). Following Prof. Cruise’s workout (and steam) the Captain sent everyone to his or her muster stations thinking the ship was taking on water. False alarm — Prof. Cruise would like to apologize for any inconvenience her sweat flood may have caused you. You were probably about to hit it big on the slots just then (if you believe that, I have an incredible deal on a photo package for you).
Also, Prof. Cruise spent 5 years in grad school to become a “doctor” (she can’t save your life, but you might find her name in a journal three people have read). Anyway, on her first trip to the gym, she locked all her valuables (i.e. flip flops) in a locker and couldn’t figure out how to work the keypad to get them back out. She had to drag her sweaty, red-faced self up to the spa desk to ask for assistance.
“Ma’am, we’re not equipped to handle that here. Oh, you just need help with the locker? Let me just confirm — no one has to touch you? Sure thing (and thank you, lord).”
Doctor.
The showers though, they were made for Prof. Cruise. The water pressure from the rain-style shower head and jets could have powered the ship. This is what they were up against:
The gym earned a “thumbs down” from Prof. Cruise for being a place you go to exercise on vacation and for being too hot, but the showers got a thumbs up from Prof. Cruise and everyone who had to share the “big boat” with her gross self.
Here are a few photos of they gym, shower, and locker areas.
“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.” — Dr. Seuss
Prof. Cruise spent part of each day at “boat school,” although not the 24/7 she promised (you can’t trust anything a 37 year-old says). I made her walk from our room at the back of the boat all the way to the front (Camp Ocean is located on deck 5 at the very front of the ship) so she’d be too tired to put up a fuss when I dropped her off. I wasn’t allowed to go in, but there was a monitor where I could watch what was going on (how does your own medicine taste, Prof. Cruise?). When I picked her up each day she said, “I didn’t cry.” Not sure that was exactly a ringing endorsement, but hey, I’ll take it.
Here’s what the younger kid’s area looked like:
Here’s the monitor outside camp:
I received a cell phone so they could contact me in the event of a problem. They called once – seems Prof. Cruise had pooped and they’d used all the diapers I provided (they DO change diapers at Camp Ocean which is a VERY nice feature hard to find on other lines).
Prof. Cruise never ate any meals while at camp, but they do provide an optional (free) lunch on port days and a dinner each night. They take the kids up to the Lido deck and have a section of booths at the back reserved for them. We sat next to the lunch one afternoon and it seemed to go very smoothly. The counselors pass out the food (you can look at a menu in advance for each meal and can specify on a form any items your child/Prof. Cruise cannot eat), one item at a time. Everything seemed orderly and the kid’s looked like they were having a great time.
If the vibrating bed wasn’t enough for you, the next several sections will cover adult entertainment – meaning activities that took place after 8:30pm when Prof. Cruise was asleep.
Here’s the full entertainment schedule:
“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!” –Dr. Seuss
Remember when I told you Prof. Cruise wanted to try three new things on the Pride (you should, it was like 5 minutes ago)? Well, this was the second one.
Prof. Cruise saw Diane Ford’s PG rated (don’t worry, she snuck in a few “adult” jokes that I had to explain to Prof. Cruise later), ”News from Fargo,” at 8:30pm in the Butterflies Lounge. There was a good-sized crowd, but plenty of room for everyone and no line or wait to get in. They did make everyone clear out prior to the 9:30pm show.
Here’s Butterflies Lounge:
One of Diane Ford’s bits was about husbands and certain clothing items they have grown attached to that their wives hate. Prof. Cruise yelled out, “yes, amen, like the pants my husband wore to formal night!” Prof. Cruise has tried to donate them to Goodwill, but they were rejected as not saleable. She’s thrown them out, burned them, shredded them, boiled them, frozen them, used them for target practice, tossed them in the sea (right before he showed up in them for formal night). They always come back.
Anyway, Prof. Cruise thought Diane Ford was great and will definitely be making comedy a regular cruise activity.
Daddy saw Scotty K’s PG rated “Forever Young.” He thought it was okay, but said the crowd was a little low energy. It was the last sea day, so that’s understandable – it takes a lot to make people laugh when their vacation is ending in the morning and they don’t feel so “forever young” after seven days of non-stop eating and drinking.
Because Prof. Cruise decided to break out of her comfort zone and try a few new things on this trip – although she still never stayed out past 9pm, so don’t give her too much credit – she only saw one Playlist Production show: 80’s Pop to the Max.
The show itself was great, but the warm-up act was almost as entertaining. Two male cast members were dressed up like stagehands and were going around the audience with hand-held video cameras recording members of the crowd and projecting them onto a huge screen with funny captions – most with some sort of 80’s reference.
So, for example, they might project three “older” gals sitting together and the caption would read, “The Golden Girls.” When Prof. Cruise appeared on screen, her caption read, “The 80’s called and they want their everything back.” Prof. Cruise felt like a celebrity and I let her believe that statement was a compliment. Let’s just say dad has secretly taken a neon item or two born during the Reagan administration of HERS to the Goodwill too! Anyway, if you can’t laugh at yourself (learn – it makes life a whole lot more fun) or if you plan to show up with a mistress or something (wait, THAT’S not who that dude normally looks miserable with at trivia!), you’ll want to avoid the pre-show.
In terms of the actual show, the cast members were all very talented and showed tremendous enthusiasm, especially considering they’ve probably performed this same show about 47,000 times by now. That especially impressed Prof. Cruise because when she gives the same lecture, even just for the second time, she starts to sound like Ferris Bueller’s econ teacher (see what I did there – 80’s reference). The singing, dancing, and special effects were all good and Prof. Cruise especially enjoyed a solo modern dance number performed by one of the male cast members. It was unexpected and really lovely.
We loved the live music on board — particularly solo guitar sounds with Amanda in the Atrium lobby prior to dinner and pub guitar with Mikey. They were both really talented and sang great stuff – although I kept requesting “Wheels on the Bus” and they didn’t seem to know it. It’s a little obscure and sophisticated for the Carnival crowd, I guess.
There were two piano entertainers on board, Chris, who we never caught and this guy. If you missed him on the Pride, he’ll be playing Carnegie Hall in August.
The only time you’ll find Prof. Cruise running on a ship (poor balance and overall laziness) is when she needs to get somewhere on the other side of the casino. She closes her eyes, holds her breath, plugs her ears and prays she makes it out of there without a slot machine sucking her in and taking her house (dramatic, much?). Yet she still checks the mail three times a day for her casino offer
Prof. Cruise’s personal vision of hell: The Winner’s Club Casino
So she says to daddy, “I knew I brought you for a reason (excuse me, I BROUGHT YOU BOTH!), mama needs her a casino offer.” Daddy did his best, playing a number of different table games, but he can’t seem to find a way to lose. At the end of the day, daddy cost Carnival two free drinks and whatever amount he’s hiding under the mattress from Prof. Cruise. Yeah, he’s not getting invited back.
Fail.
Prof. Cruise sent me in next with instructions to pick the game with the WORST possible odds.
Sorry Prof. Cruise, I’m taking Poppi on my casino cruise.
Sorry those last few sections were kind of boring – let’s move on to something more interesting. The Seuss-a-palooza parade and storytime took place on the second sea day beginning at 3:15pm in the Atrium Lobby. Make sure to get there a few minutes early to get the best parade props and to practice yelling, “DR. SEUSS IS ON THE LOOSE” at the top of your lungs so those on the Serenity deck don’t miss out on all the fun.
We marched to Taj Mahal (main show lounge) where our Cruise Director, Kevin, read Cat in the Hat, while cast members from the audience played the parts of Cat, Fish, and Thing 1 and Thing 2. I would have preferred Brad Pitt play me, but the kid who landed the part did okay.
I enjoyed the show, but was eager to get back to my reunion with Thing 1.
Prof. Cruise, daddy, and I attended “towel-folding fun” which took place at 10am on our final sea day. This time, instead of doing this with my towels like I did on the Freedom:
I decided to focus and learn something I can add to my resume. Prof. Cruise wanted to be my “partner,” but she just got in the way, so I asked her to please sit quietly and watch. Here’s my towel animal elephant:
It’s supposed to look like this:
But not bad for a first try.
Here’s what daddy made:
Although a little advanced for Prof. Cruise, we all had fun and really have a new appreciation for our room stewards.
I can’t tie my shoes (that’s what Velcro was invented for), but I can tie up any loose ends in the “ship” section before I move on to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Any questions? Bueller? Bueller?
I was too busy trying to chase down Prof. Cruise to take too many ship photos. Here’s one photo I managed to snap looking up from the atrium bar. She’s such a purdy ship!
No one has asked yet, but if any of you are wondering what dad’s equally ugly and indestructible pants look like, here they are:
Actually these pants were left in a drawer in our stateroom along with a matching shirt. Also, if you recognize the cute, white swim cover-up Prof. Cruise is wearing in all her photos – it’s probably yours. It was also left in the room. Prof. Cruise will send it to you for a small S&H fee. Some might be slightly annoyed that a bunch of stuff was left in their room from the prior occupants, but Prof. Cruise was like, SCORE! Would have cost her $2.99 at Goodwill.
Next up, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And you’ll finally find out the details of the infamous poisoning incident and if dad traded in his ugly pants for an orange jumpsuit.
I met new friends:
Danced my heart out:
Took a load off:
And tried lots of new things:
That was my new favorite drink, a Twilight Zone, and also what life is like with Prof. Cruise.
And the goodest of all:
I finally learned to climb out of my crib. Me to daddy after opening the balcony door: “Hi daddy! I climbed out of my crib!” Daddy: “It’s over.”
The service on the Pride seemed a little “off” all week. In fairness, had we not received such phenomenal service on the Freedom and Sensation, we may not have even noticed. I guess instead of “bad” I should really call it, “slightly less than perfect.”
But this was the baddest of all:
We were off the ship and headed home WAY. TOO. FAST. 15 minutes from our stateroom to crying and waving goodbye to the Pride from our car. We did self-assist. It was SO easy and we were off by 9:40am. Baltimore ties with Seattle as the most efficient port we’ve sailed out of.
Dun, dun, dun…the infamous poisoning incident. Daddy switched Prof. Cruise’s beloved vegetarian breakfast burrito with his meat lovers breakfast burrito. He said by accident, but we’ll see if that defense holds up. Prof. Cruise took a giant overeager bite. It’s good no one was on that public deck below us, because she hurled over our balcony about a dozen times. Actually she hurled into the toilet, but that’s not as dramatic a visual.
Right after poisoning her, dad left Prof. Cruise with me in the room and hit the casino – sounds like something a GUILTY person would do, doesn’t it. All this went down right after I had learned to climb out of my crib. I was so pleased with my new skill I did it every time Prof. Cruise tried to stick me back in there so I would be contained while she barfed and wouldn’t place a room service order for all the new PAY item. Sorry people, I tried.
Alas, it was ruled accidental and daddy cured her with strawberry soft serve later that evening. Although she’s not sure she can ever forgive him for causing her to miss “Bitter and Blanc” night at the MDR.
Prof. Cruise is going to buy him an orange jumpsuit anyway because, really, it would be more attractive than those pants.
You may be wondering about the lapel pin I wore on my sport coat for formal night.
Here’s a closer look:
A few months before our sailing on the Pride, my Poppi received a gift beyond measure – a new liver. He had been very, very sick suffering from a genetic liver disease. We feared we would lose him until a moment of tragedy for one family marked a new beginning, thanks to organ donation, for ours.
Shortly after Poppi’s transplant we started following the story of Lucas Goeller. He was two, like me. Due to a rare life threatening condition, Lucas needed a liver transplant. During this same time, another family received the earth-shattering news that their 3 year-old, Olivia (little O), had an incurable brain tumor. After spending her final few days on a Make-a-Wish cruise to the Caribbean with her family, Olivia passed away.
After her daughter died, Olivia’s mom, Lauressa Swedberg, wrote on her Facebook page, “Olivia will be making her journey to organ donation. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do walking away from one of the loves of my life.”
Her liver went to Lucas.
There’s so much about life I don’t understand yet and more I’ll never be able explain or control (even when I’m old like Prof. Cruise), but this I know:
“A persons a person no matter how small.”
So…
“Step with care and great tact. And remember life’s a great balancing act.”
And know that…
“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot. Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”
And…
“When you think things are bad,
when you feel sour and blue,
when you start to get mad…
you should do what I do!
Just tell yourself, Duckie [or H],
you’re really quite lucky!
Some people are much more…
oh, ever so much more…
oh, muchly much-much more
unlucky than you!”
All Dr. Seuss, of course.
Happy cruising or eating orange foods or whatever brings you joy!
Class Dismissed.
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