If you’re new to my ship lectures (that’s like saying you’ve never heard of Dr. Seuss – more on him later, but in the meantime you can click here to check them out), let me introduce myself and my minions.
I’m H, Prof. Cruise’s teaching/travel assistant. At the time of my voyage on the Conquest in December of 2015, I was about to become a three-nager and, rumor had it, Prof. Cruise was shipping me off to boarding school in whichever state was furthest away from Pennsylvania. This explains why she was on the floor with a magnifying glass, a ruler, and a map. My likes include green (j/k) ORANGE sherbet and cheese. Dislikes: whatever Prof. Cruise’s is asking me to do. She’s such a demanding boss!
Here I am:
As soon as Prof. Cruise got word that she’d received a positive vote from the tenure committee, she walked out of class waving and shouting “suckas” and headed straight for the fun ship. Okay, that’s not true, but she did finish out the rest of the semester in her pajamas and, instead of lecturing, played a montage of her favorite baby animal videos on repeat. Which were “simply adorable” and “totally worth the college debt I’ll be paying off well into the next millennium,” according to her course evaluations.
Here’s Prof. Cruise:
If I loved grandma any more, she’d be made of sugar and orange food coloring and I’d have to gobble her up before she melted. Grandma totally understands the injustices I suffer. In fact, every time I suffer one and begin to protest she turns to Prof. Cruise and says, “karma,” which, I believe, is Latin for “outrageously unfair.”
Here’s grandma:
Good habits are hard to break. Like pooping in the bath and taking a cheap pre-Christmas cruise. Cheap, because everyone else is busy shopping for awesome gifts for their “H,” instead of wrapping up free hand-me-downs like Prof. Cruise. In any case, I sailed from the same port (Ft. Lauderdale) after staying at the same pre-cruise motel (Quality Inn and Suites) on the same week (Dec 12-20) for the same number of days (8) to the same places (St. Maarten, St. Kitts, San Juan, Grand Turk) with the same stateroom-mates (see above) wearing the same underwear (just kiddin – although I can’t vouch for Prof. Cruise) as last year.
The two big differences? The Freedom crew didn’t think they could handle another 8 days with Prof. Cruise (possibly even in the same underwear), so they fled to Texas to be replaced with the Conquest. As soon as the poor staff of the Conquest learned the news that mom would be onboard they all started petitioning to be transferred to one of the booze cruises for a less stressful work environment. Please people, I live with her 24/7/365! Which brings me to the second difference. I FINALLY got my free drink coupons!
I say “finally” because the “beards” (I thought this term was kind of sexist until I remembered that time I walked in on Prof. Cruise plucking something long and gray from her chin) at Carnival made an “exciting new change” to the VIFP program, snatching up my booze coupon and replacing it with an “exciting” bottle of generic water right before I was set to turn RED. I say “I” and “coupons” (plural), because while Prof. Cruise also turned GOLD, she gave me her coupon – she knows her outbursts are easier to take after I’ve had a few drinks.
Is not something you want to hear your captain say as the last rope securing your ship to the dock is tossed into the water. But in this context, I wanted to give you a sense of how the lecture will proceed from here.
I’ll be organizing the lecture as follows: ship and ship activities and “the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
What, no food?
Those of you familiar with my lectures know I’ve always start with my favorite part of the big boat: food. Many seem to share my love of sugar and spice and everything…fattening as I always lose 99% of my audience after that section ends (the only people left reading are Prof. Cruise and grandma and only to make sure I didn’t post any embarrassing photos of them) and you miss out on seeing Prof Cruise’s pasty white legs at the pool.
Well, I learned something from Eric, our cruise director, about convincing your audience to stick around through (what feels like) a 3 hour sales pitch (or in this case, like 3000 photos of some dorky family you don’t even know): you offer a big prize at the end, a few smaller prizes throughout, and every 5 minutes or so you say “stick around, we’re getting to the big prize in just a Few. More. Minutes.”
So, what’s the big prize? A full review of American Table, including photos of the table set-up on cruise casual and elegant nights PLUS sample menus PLUS photos of every dish we ordered, including the 6 desserts mom consumed each night (actually it was only 2, but it’s always smart to slightly over-sell the big prize). I’ll also be reviewing other dining options – Lido Buffet, Guy’s, Blue Iguana, Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast, Seaday Brunch, Pizza Pirate, Fish and Chips, and room service – at random points throughout the review.
So, with a (free) drink in each hand and a (free) bottle of champagne on standby (stay tuned), let’s begin. Remember, we’re getting to the big prize in just a Few. More. Minutes.
Our room was 7410, an aft balcony cabin strategically located between the Lido buffet and the MDR. To work off the calories, I decided to take the stairs to go between them with a brief stop at my stateroom to rest and re-stock on “to go” bags.
I can’t tell you which side of the ship our stateroom was on – only that I went to the wrong side every. single. time. Here’s what it looked like when I finally found it:
Excuse the blue stroller in that last photo. If you were on the same sailing, you probably recognize it as the one that hit you in the ankles while Prof. Cruise raced to get to the “sweet spot” in the Lido buffet.
I had to throw in a photo of the toilet in honor of grandpa (RIP, we wish you had been with us). He used to begrudgingly watch House Hunters on HGTV with grandma and his favorite joke was to say “nice tolet” (that’s how he’d pronounce it) when they looked in the bathrooms. Nice tolet, eh?
Gerry (pronounced “Jerry”) was our room steward. He was friendly and loose with high fives, quick and efficient, and made the best towel animals. See:
But the best thing about our room? It came with a view!
Did you spot the palm tree in that last one?
More ship photos to come, but for now, let me tell you about a different sort of conquest.
If there’s one thing that destroys a dude’s game, it’s being seen with Prof. Cruise and your grandma. Am I right guys? So I ditched them at the wrinkle seminar and I found myself a seat up front next to these two lovely ladies (seriously, I just plopped myself between total strangers) for the “all the single ladies” dance lesson/competition.
And how were they? Let’s just say I’d put a ring on any of them if it were legal (I slipped several my stateroom number for 13 years from now when I can date). And Beyoncé? You had your turn and now you gonna learn. And hip, and hip, and show your ring (maybe you had to be there).
Ship pics, as promised. Because occasionally I keep my promises – but never when they involve going to bed or eating vegetables. Here’s a shot of the Conquest.
Focus on the handsome gentleman (me) in the bright orange swimwear and you won’t notice the rust and chipping paint adorning much of the exterior of the ship. That is in no way reflective of the condition of the interior, though. And after all, no one eats or drinks or dances or gambles or gets 1 out of 19 correct at trivia (Prof. Cruise) on the exterior of the ship.
We did, however, notice many upturned noses on the faces of the passengers of the fancy new Royal Caribbean ship docked next to us at port. We took off our shirts, spoke using improper English with our mouths full of food, and burped a lot to further irritate them. And we smiled knowing we got a great value on a beautiful, friendly, fun ship (in great condition and well maintained on the inside). See:
Or the first place you should look if Prof. Cruise is missing.
Or the second place you should look if Prof. Cruise is missing.
Or where to look when your Gigi (my other grandma) goes missing.
What? You’re still here? You get a prize! It’s not a ship on a stick. Prof. Cruise finally won one (stay tuned) and she’s not giving it up. She put it in the china cabinet where my baby photos used to be. Priorities.
But if you’re looking for a mean grilled cheese and are a bit of a rebel, I can tell you where to get one. The deli! You can also get one in the MDR or through room service, but it tastes better from the deli because it’s an off-menu item. If you’re too nervous to order a straight up grilled cheese, just order the grilled ham and cheese, hold the ham. And if they give you any trouble, tell them H sent you.
For my conformist students, the deli also has some delicious on-menu items.
Here’s the Arugula, Pepper, and Mozzarella on Ciabatta. Prof. Cruise wanted to add chocolate to this, but she chickened out. Don’t ever let her order for you at In-N-Out.
That’s not a sunburn. It’s Prof. Cruise’s face after an hour at the HOT, HUMID, HOOOOOOOOT (pronounced “hot,” but with a long drawn out ‘’o,” not like the sound an owl makes) gym. Did I mention it was hot? And humid?
Prof. Cruise walked in and was like “gosh golly it’s hotter than McDonald’s coffee in here” (for what she really said, replace “gosh golly” with a word that starts with “h” and another word that starts with “s” and “McDonald’s coffee” with a different word that starts with “h”). Then she noticed this dude on the treadmill in a long-sleeved full-length blue jumpsuit, barely breaking a sweat, and thought she must be going through the change of life (my dream of a sibling never to be). Relax Gigi (she really wants another grandchild), he was maintenance fixing a few broken machines.
With a dehumidifier (add that to the list of essential items to pack for a cruise) and ice packs strapped to your waist, forehead, and extremities, you’ll still not enjoy (because who really enjoys exercise – especially on vacation) the wide variety of cardio and weight machines and free weights.
On a positive note, there are TV’s on most of the cardio machines with lots of different channels and great music pumped in for during commercials. For an extra rigorous workout, try going for a run on the treadmill while at sea (wanna sign Prof. Cruise’s cast?). There is also a small table and some comfortable chairs if you just want to come to the gym for the view of the water out the front of the ship, not of Prof. Cruise. No one should have to see that.
The shower/spa area was identical to the Freedom as far as Prof. Cruise could tell, right down to the shower doors that didn’t close properly. For those of you to lazy to refer back to my Freedom review, I’ll throw in one tip here. Actually two. Okay three. Well technically four. First, shower – small quarters, ya know. Even if you’re still a little afraid of getting water in your eyes – I tell Prof. Cruise to hold a dry washcloth over them and to tip her head back. Second (well technically third), shower at the spa instead of in your stateroom. Anyone can use the showers for free – they’re located directly before the door to the gym. And third (well technically fourth), wedge a towel in the shower door to keep it closed.
Proof that there are other uses for towels other than to make animals:
On the Freedom last year I was just shy of 2 and Prof. Cruise wasn’t quite ready to part with me yet (this is Prof. Cruise: I was more than ready to part with him – he wasn’t old enough). This year I attended camp and for some reason Prof. Cruise was in a much better mood.
I was in the Penguin group, but they seemed to combine the age groups at times (due to the relatively small number of kids on board) and a few siblings in different age ranges were put in the same group. If any of you are wondering if that’s possible – it appears to be when the numbers are low.
Anyway, there were tons of fun toys to play with and activities and the teachers were nice and thought I was beautiful. They said that to all the parents, but it happens to be true for me. Here are some photos of me exploring camp on the first day – you can show up anytime on embarkation day to register or take a tour. They even let me play for a few minutes.
Here’s a sample schedule for the Shark Group (ages 9-11):
This activity combines one of grandma’s favorite past times (movies) with one of Prof. Cruise’s (sitting outside in the cool evening under a warm blanket, AKA, being lazy). We’d never tried the dive-in movies because we’d never finished dinner in time for the early showing and Prof. Cruise and grandma are too old for the later showing – if they offered a 4:00pm dinner seating, they’d sign up.
However this time, thanks to our awesome MDR wait staff (more on them later), we finished dinner with plenty of time to secure a good seat and enjoyed 3 different movies (Jurassic World, Mission Impossible…something, and Ant Man). Jurassic World reminded Prof. Cruiseof the Fun Shops during the final sale – she personally witnessed someone lose an arm over a $19.95 watch/necklace set.
Try to get there at least 15 minutes early for a prime seat or be one of those people and put your towel down on a chair before you leave for dinner. You can borrow as many blankets as you want. Get a few extras to sit on or your tush will hurt – unless you already have enough padding like Prof. Cruise. And don’t forget to grab some popcorn.
Since grandma eats almost nothing but fish, it’s a wonder she hasn’t tried the fish and chips joint before. Maybe she couldn’t find it – it’s a bit hidden directly above the Lido buffet. There’s also a bunch of extra seating up there and it’s never crowded. Plus if you climb the stairs you can skip the miserable gym. Here’s the menu:
Grandma tried the Cider Battered Fried Fish. She said the batter was nice and light and the fish was “standard fish and chips fish.” Since I’ve never tried standard fish and chips fish, I asked for further clarification. She said it was what about what she expected. Well I expected to eat sherbet and cheese for 3 meals a day and I pretty much did — so I guess that’s positive.
The Cat in the Hat parade started in the Degas Lounge and got off to a bit of a slow start as one of the entertainment hosts stalled for 20 minutes waiting for Eric to arrive. Prof. Cruise knows just how hard that is – a few weeks ago her baby animal youtube video froze and she had to resort to actual course content while she re-booted. “Is everyone excited to see the Cat?!?!” became a little less exciting after the 6th ask.
Here I am waiting for this thing to get started already:
Once he arrived (Eric, not the Cat – he wouldn’t appear ‘till later), we said hello – far less enthusiastically than we would have 20 minutes sooner – to Sam I Am. And also to Thing 1/Thing 2. I think it’s kind of sad that their mom dresses them exactly alike and that I used a “/” instead of an “and” to refer to them. They should be treated as distinct individuals. Except that, much like me, all they do is run around destroying things. It’s not like one of them is mature enough to wear something other than a onesie.
Anyway, we made our way to the Toulouse-Lautrec main show lounge shouting “Dr. Seuss is On Loose” while ringing cow bells in close vicinity of those trying to finish their book (the one they started on that glorious day they had off between finishing school and starting full-time employment/having kids) and knocking down passersby with our giant character signs and pom poms.
When we arrived at the lounge, we gathered up on the stage and Sam I Am and Thing 1/Thing 2 (sorry guys) disappeared backstage to make room for a brief appearance by the real “Cat in the Hat.” They must pay those characters by the hour because we never see them for more than 10 minutes at a time except for photo night when they can charge $11 for a print of a terrified H.
After the real Cat in the Hat left to go change into a Santa (whom I also fear up close – more on that later) costume for his night job, Eric read a giant version (in both size and enthusiasm) of “The Cat in the Hat,” with members of the audience acting (that’s being generous – the two little kids were pretty good, but the dad…never mind, he might be reading this. Then again, it was more about his wife humiliating him – which seemed to be a regular theme around the big boat – than talent) out the parts.
I must have heard the story a billion times before – it’s one of Prof. Cruise’s favorites – but this is the first time the cat spoke with a southern accent. He was Scottish once (as read by Wee Jimmy), which sort of made sense. But southern? The friendly part works, but to just bust into a total strangers house and create chaos? Doesn’t seem very gentlemanly. In any case, even though it left me with some questions, I enjoyed the story very much.
In closing, what would I do if my mother asked me (for those of you familiar with the book)? I’d tell her “nothin.” I’m a three-nager, after all.
Well since your eyes are already adjusted to all the bright colors, I may as well cover the other Dr. Seuss themed event, the Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast. Plus it involves food, so that should make you happy. The breakfast takes place on the final sea day at either 8:15am or 9:45am. Make a reservation early – at the table set up on embarkation day or by calling guest services – to get your preferred time. The 8:15am filled up fast, so we had to do the 9:45.
There’s a fee of $5 per person, but it’s worth it to see Prof. Cruise’s expression when she sees green eggs. Or it may have been the ham. Both this time and on the Pride, when mom ordered a side of green eggs, she got the green eggs and ham instead, which sort of ruins the experience of green eggs for a vegetarian. But since grandma and daddy weren’t with us this time to get some meat based food porn for you (daddy was in Vegas losing all our cruising money – so you may not hear from me again for a while – and grandma was in a private meeting with the Captain…more on that later), at least we got a photo of the green eggs and ham.
I ordered the Truffula Tree Pancakes:
Prof. Cruise ordered the From There to Here, From Here to There, Funny Belgian Waffles are Everywhere:
Do we like Green Eggs and Ham? No, but here they are anyway:
Breakfast also includes a delicious basket of breads, muffins, and other things to raise your blood sugar and the super nice wait staff will bring around yogurt or Jello parfaits to keep it steady. We prefer the J-e-l-l-o.
During breakfast, the characters come out one at a time for a photo op. Professional photos will be taken, but you can also take photos with your own camera. When Thing 1/Thing 2 arrived, our waiter asked me if I wanted to get in line for a photo. I was like, “nah, it’s bad enough that I have to share a stateroom with them.”
In fact, I wasn’t interested in meeting or getting in a photo with any of the characters this time. Three-nagers, totally unpredictable. I was perfectly content finger painting with butter and syrup and watching the parents’ crazy antics, trying to get their stubborn/terrified kid to smile for this year’s Christmas card photo. It’s sweet that they haven’t given up their will to try, like Prof. Cruise (more on that later). Be careful though, on grandma’s Behind the Fun tour (stay tuned), she saw several parents in the medical unit stuck in a permanent pretzel position. There’s also a holding cell for any who completely lose it. Luckily, it rarely comes to that though – there is plenty of alcohol on board.
After the characters made their brief appearances, the wait staff donned blue wigs and did a short performance. I wonder if public humiliation is written into their contracts?
Then they gave us a Grinch cookie and hurried us on our way. “No more money to be spent in here! The Casino is open. GO!”
This was the 3rd time we’d done the Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast. There’s a reason we keep coming back: our sugar addiction.
And it’s lots of fun too!
There are some complaints floating Cruise Critic about, well, everything – but for now I want to focus on those related to Playlist Productions. The smaller cast and lack of live music seem to top the list. Knowing some people hate change, even when it’s positive (I guess that’s why Prof. Cruise refuses to cut my hair and never tires of correcting people by saying, “he’s a boy.”), I was determined to keep an open mind.
Well I owe all you curmudgeons an apology. Costs have clearly been cut and it seems that the room stewards are not only responsible for moving furniture and vacuuming up 35,000 tons of sand on port days (that was one of the fun facts on grandma’s Behind the Fun tour – more on that later), they are now charged with compiling the cast for the production shows. See, look:
Still though, Towel Animal Theater had amazing special effects including bubbles and streamers, and gets a thumbs up from H. Also, instead of sleeping, I spent the last night of our cruise trying to catch my towel animals coming to life. I blame the towel animals for my behavior on the flight home.
I’ll get to the other Playlist Production shows later, but if you’re wondering what you can eat at 3pm (or 3am) on the Conquest – pizza. Pizza Pirate is located all the way aft on the Lido deck out by the adults only pool. It’s open 24/7, goes great with soft serve (also available 24/7) and tums, and is free of charge. Here’s the menu:
And here’s a photo of the chef preparing them (they are always made fresh to order):
Prof. Cruise ordered the Mushroom which she thought was too mushroomy. Sometimes Prof. Cruise laments on how fast I’m growing up. It doesn’t feel that way to me – I’ve been asking if I’m old enough to drive every day for, like, 1090 days and it’s always: “No, not for a few more years”. Well it’s comforting to know that no matter how old you are (and trust me, Prof. Cruise is oooooooold), your mom will always eat the mushrooms you pick off your pizza.
Prof. Cruise used her fingers to pile them up on grandma’s plate so they wouldn’t contaminate anything else on her plate with their fungusyness and grandma gobbled them up unfazed, even though by now they were covered in the germs of 2000+ people, hoping to prevent Prof. Cruise from having a tantrum.
Prof. Cruise here. In my defense, I just wanted a hint of mushroom. Of course this would be one area where Carnival would not skimp.
This event was hosted by Eric Brouman, our cruise director, and promoted as a way to win a free shore excursion (and was the inspiration for the format of this lecture). First, a few words about Eric. If the Energizer Bunny and Carrot Top had a kid, it would be a miracle of modern science and would probably look a lot like Eric Brouman. He has crazy red hair and endless energy. It was a bit much for Prof. Cruise to have both myself and Eric on board at the same time, but otherwise, we loved him.
Anyway, back to the event. This was essentially an hour-long advertisement for Carnival excursions with a brief mention of some ship activities and prizes thrown in. If you’ve read my prior lectures you know that we rarely book excursions through the ship, as sometimes Prof. Cruise decides she’s just going to lay on the floor and scream and kick. So we weren’t in the market for any excursions that would require us to be somewhere at a certain time or act human in the company of others.
Then why were we giving up valuable eating time to try to win a free excursion, you ask? Well if you know Prof. Cruise at all, you know she LOVES getting something for free, even if she can’t even use it (she was over the moon once at winning a year supply of Omaha Steaks – she’s a vegetarian). Prof. Cruise stuffed the entry box with hundreds of slips, using a secret technique she learned from her great aunt who was a professional contester: you crinkle up the paper a little – don’t tell her I told you.
Well she didn’t win one of the grand prizes (they gave away 4, one for each port) or any meat, but she did win one of the smaller prizes. For any of you on the Conquest soon, here’s how you can win one of the smaller prizes. First, sit up close to the stage and wear running shoes. Prizes were given out for:
The first person who ran up on stage with their Carnival Mastercard in hand.
The first person who ran up on stage and gave Eric some “love.” Skip the breath mint, just RUN.
Someone up front who smiled and didn’t fall asleep during the presentation.
The person who shouted the loudest when asked, “Who are my drinkers in the audience?” I was robbed on this one.
And finally, the prize went to Prof. Cruise for being the lamest audience member. She won a Carnival stuffed bear and a ship on a stick – because walking around with those totally makes you look cooler. And Eric threw in a bottle of champagne for me since I have to be seen with her. Actually I won for being the youngest audience member, but Prof. Cruise got the champagne.
I always thought snow and grouchiness were essential components of the Christmas season, but cruising in December is proof that Christmas still exists in tropical climates where everyone greets each other with high fives and fist bumps instead of shoving each other out of the way for a talking Elmo, that, if you just waited a season, would be plentiful and cheap at Goodwill.
Although it was confusing to be wearing my Speedo in December (who am I kidding, Speedos are always confusing), the Conquest crew succeeded in reminding me that Santa was on his way, loading lots of toys and goodies in his sleigh, and so on. There was also a Hanukkah service each evening of Hannukkah, for our Jewish friends.
Festivities included a tree lighting celebration:
“Let it Snow” (it’s hard to see in this photo, but there was REAL snow falling in the lobby):
An Ugly Sweater Contest (no photo because Prof. Cruise went blind).
And a few appearances from the big man himself (one in the lobby and one at the Christmas production show). Santa and I are currently not on speaking terms due to an unfortunate incident earlier in the season:
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fright!
If you’re looking for comedy, you could stand around the elevators and watch elderly people (Prof. Cruise) try to figure out where the heck they are or, if you’re lucky, you might catch a slip and fall on the Lido deck (grandma). Or you could try the comedy club.
There were four different comedians featured on our sailing (see the above entertainment schedule) at the Punchliner’s Comedy Club located in the Degas Lounge on Deck 5 Aft. I was a little turned off after seeing a set called “Loving Parent” by Jason Blanchard, so I only hit the comedy club once. “Loving Parent” was about how funny (read as mean) guy Blanchard disciplines his children and featured his favorite technique, the super atomic wedgie.
Please understand, as someone who is new to the world of big boy underpants AND exceptionally naughty, I didn’t find this funny at. all. You might though and generally the comedy club is a lot of fun, so I suggest you give it a try. I got there right as the 9:30pm show was starting and was able to snag a seat in the back; get there earlier for a better selection. But know that if you sit right up front, you might find yourself the butt of a joke or you might find your actual butt up on stage demonstrating the super atomic wedgie.
Thing 2 (AKA Grandma) was looking for a way to get out of the Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast this year (I guess she was sick of getting her picture taken), so she bolted over to the excursions desk as soon as we boarded and secured herself a spot on the “Behind the Fun” tour (it did sell out, so make sure to book early). I’m not sure why anyone would want to be “behind” the fun (I kept looking for grandma hiding under furniture with a salty expression on her face trying to avoid merriment) and especially why they’d want to pay $95 to do it, but grandma seemed to think it was worth it.
I dunno, there were a bunch of rules too:
The tour took place on the last sea day beginning at 8:30am and lasted approximately 3.5 hours. Grandma reported seeing backstage at the main show lounge, crew areas, the brig (Prof. Cruise saw this earlier in the week, but we won’t get into that) and morgue, laundry, operational areas, galleys, engineering, and the bridge.
In each area, a crew member from that department would speak (stage manager, chef, engineer, etc). The tour concluded with an opportunity to meet the Captain and ask him questions. There were also professional photos taken with the Captain. The photos were provided free of charge to grandma in our stateroom later that day. Grandma wouldn’t let me post the photo of her with the Captain because she was afraid his wife would get jealous.
Speaking of which, when Prof. Cruise found out that the Captain’s wife joins him on the ship, sometimes for a month or more at a time, she sent dad divorce papers over Facebook using the “Social Media Internet Package” (more on that in just a second) and created a “Match” profile entitled “SWF with summers and holidays off looking to (literally) sail away with someone. Specifically a cruise ship Captain.”
At the end of the tour grandma got a goodie bag with a hat, bracelet, soap, and lanyard.
You can understand now why grandma was worried about the Captain’s wife. Later, a plate of goodies was delivered to our stateroom. Grandma shared it with me to soften the blow of the news of my parent’s divorce.
For anyone else needing to deliver bad news over Facebook, here are the details of the Social Media plan (and the other internet options). Check your online booking for your specific cruise, as prices may have changed.
Prof. Cruise and grandma saw three Playlist Productions shows: The Brits, Divas, and Latin Nights.
Grandma didn’t provide much detail on the two shows she saw (that has nothing at all to do with my attention span), but seemed to find them entertaining and enjoyable.
A bit of context before I provide Prof. Cruise’s critique of the show she saw (Latin Nights). Like many teen girls of her generation, Prof. Cruise had dreams of following in the footsteps of her idol, Debbie Gibson (she goes by “Debra Gibson” these days) and, because grandma wanted her out of the house and grandpa figured “Anything is Possible” (that’s a Debbie Gibson song for any of you who are cool and/or young), they enrolled Prof. Cruise in private voice lessons.
Well as it turned out, tone only existed “In Her Dreams” (another DG reference) and “She Banged” (William Hung style). After a few months of having to replace the windows after each lesson, “Out of the Blue” (DG, again), Prof. Cruise’s voice instructor relocated to be closer to family (or it’s possible he pulled grandma aside and delicately told her she was wasting her money). Since then Prof. Cruise’s been banned from karaoke in all 50 states and in international waters (that’s how she ended up in the brig).
So, keep that all in mind when I tell you that Prof. Cruise thought the show was excellent – great energy and special effects (even smoke and water) and a generally talented cast, with the exception of one performer who she thought was singing off key. She was an amazing dancer though, which Prof. Cruise respects because she has “No More Rhythm” (okay, that one didn’t really work).
The thing Prof. Cruise found the most fun about “Latin Nights” was that after the show ended, they moved the party out to the lobby where audience members had the chance to dance with cast members. Prof. Cruise watched from the sidelines, but really enjoyed watching the Conquest version of “Dancing with the Stars.”
For two years in a row, we’ve taken our pre-Christmas cruise without dad. He wasn’t in trouble for loading the dishwasher wrong or anything (well he was, but that’s not why he didn’t come with us), he just didn’t have enough vacation days left. To distract himself from missing us terribly (likely story), he took himself on a short trip to Vegas. Dad was eating this at brunch:
…while we were at the Seaday Brunch. Still though, we loved it. Here’s the menu:
Standouts this time included the mac ‘n cheese which was extra cheesy and perfectly browned on the top and the popovers (only available during the afternoon) which come with a cheese butter to delight your arteries.
Here’s what we ordered:
Not a duplicate – I ordered a second helping.
I posted this one as far away from dad’s cheesecake as possible to prevent direct comparisons.
Prof. Cruise’s hopeless (you should know that having a Ph.D. means you know a lot about one thing no one cares about and NOTHING about anything else – especially child rearing), but even grandma – the person who finally took down Ken Jennings on Jeopardy – couldn’t manage to win at trivia.
She came close – we could have had matching “ship on a sticks” if she hadn’t shown up late for “musicals” trivia or if she’d known where the O.K. Corral is located (Tombstone, AZ). If you’re on the Conquest soon, it’s time to start re-watching all 10 seasons of “Friends,” while listening to “rock tunes” and “Michael Jackson,” while researching “outrageous laws” with someone “British.” Ready, go.
I didn’t have time for trivia, I was busy doing this:
Also, this outdoor play area is awesome when it’s not wet or windy.
It’s located right outside Camp Ocean and is a great place to meet new friends and share strategies for pushing back one’s bedtime (cry for the blanket you hid in the mini fridge earlier) and making your mom’s life miserable on the flight home (scream, kick, color on everything but your paper, and try to close the tray with a full drink still on it). You’re welcome.
What’s the point? Prof. Cruise insisted I include the following three activities even though we didn’t take any photographs because it was prohibited or because grandma’s phone is older than photography.
I’ve always wondered, who the heck buys art on a cruise? Plenty of people it turns out. Grandma attended her very first art auction. Prof. Cruise didn’t go because she’s the type who would accidentally raise her paddle and end up with a $4,000 piece of “art” that looks like something I painted with my fingers at daycare.
Grandma wasn’t interested in buying anything and doesn’t drink champagne (which is great because when you win a free bottle you don’t have to share any with her), but she found it interesting to hear the descriptions of the paintings and to “people watch.” She also attended an art lecture, which she enjoyed. She was also able to add another free print of a fence to her collection. I know what all her neighbors got for Christmas this year.
Prof. Cruise can be a bit of a stick in the mud, so I was sort of expecting her report on the Viva Variety show with Taylor Mason to go something like this: “stupid.” Instead, it turned out to be her all-time favorite Carnival show. I guess she felt a special affinity with Paco the pig (see that thing I said earlier about the mud – plus Paco knows they can share a good meal together that won’t include him). Anyway, Mason’s one-man variety show included puppets (and ventriloquism), stand-up comedy, improv, and music. It was like Second City at sea – a must see if offered on your sailing.
Grandma attended a special event honoring veterans. It featured stories from veterans and their families and a beautiful performance by one of the Playlist Productions cast members. Grandma doesn’t think he’ll be doing cruise ships for very long, so catch him while you can.
Grandma went up on stage to honor my uncle, who is currently serving in the Air Force. She found the whole thing very moving and would highly recommend it to service members and those of us who appreciate all the sacrifices they make – including over the holidays when many are away from their families. Thank you to all who have served/are currently serving!
How about a burger and some fries, or even better, a burger TOPPED with fries? Being from a certain steel town we put fries on everything.
That all sounds well and good, but first, a warning. Making your toddler take a nap on vacation, and ordering a veggie burger from Guy’s are all sins that shall not be forgiven.
There was a loud, collective gasp and several people made the sign of the cross in her direction when Prof. Cruise ordered this:
Luckily the counterfeit veggie patty is hidden under a bunch of legit Guy’s toppings. Still though, don’t look directly at it or your computer/phone/tablet might catch fire. Oops should have warned you sooner – I’ll send over one of the fire trucks I got for Christmas.
Seriously though, in the impossible chance that one of you might be interested in ordering a veggie burger from Guy’s, it’s not on the menu, but they definitely have them. It takes about 10 minutes to cook (you can go get the rest of your food and come back).
For the rest of you, here are the real burger options:
Grandma enjoyed her Guy’s burgers very much and Prof. Cruise, having given up her soul long ago for a few hours of “her” time in the afternoon, devoured her veggie burger without regret.
If you’re craving a burrito, but are concerned about e-coli at your regular land-based joint, I have a solution for you: a Carnival cruise. The Blue Iguana Cantina is a delicious, free, tex mex option located near the main Lido pool and is open for breakfast and lunch. Here are the menus:
There’s also an extensive toppings bar with various hot sauces, salsas, crème fresh, cilantro, cheese, and…watermelon. Little tip, take the rind off before you stuff it in your burrito. Learned that one the hard way.
After approximately 1,273,073, wait I think it’s closer to 1,273,079, breakfast burritos and double that number of arepas on prior cruises, mom finally grew tired of them and only had them twice for breakfast on the Conquest. Give yourself the chance to get sick of them (I’m still working on it), they’re delicious.
If the line’s too long at Guy’s, the lunch burritos are pretty good too.
So what does Prof. Cruise’s Christmas bonus have to do with the lido buffet on the Conquest? Important context. Let me elaborate. Every year around this time Clark Griswold, I mean Prof. Cruise, started checking her mailbox 300 or so times a day with the hope that her Christmas bonus will have arrived. Now anyone who gets that excited over 5 free lunch coupons to the college cafeteria should probably not be trusted as a food critic. So, keep that in mind.
Prof. Cruise loves the Lido buffet. She especially loves stuffing napkin wrapped silverware into her pockets so she can juggle plates enough for two people. Actually that’s the only part she hates – but I refuse to believe my existence makes her life challenging in any way.
Highlights of the Lido buffet this time around included the made-to-order omelets (Prof. Cruise found the arugula option quite exotic – she doesn’t get out much) and the salmon benedict (grandma’s fav) at breakfast and the dessert parfaits at lunch served out of giant glass jugs — we tried a cheesecake one and a blueberry cobbler one. I also discovered something I now love almost as much as cheese and sherbet – Jello cubes! I’ve faked sick every day since.
When it comes to food porn, Lido shots are, like, fully clothed with a little elbow showing. But anyway, here:
Prof. Cruise just shouted, “elbow my a**, there’s arugula in there!”
Even though I’m always skeptical of this technique when it comes to hair washing, let’s start with the bad, to get it over with. Do as I say and so on. I couldn’t come up with a catchy title for the room service we never ordered and, besides the “safety show” AKA Muster Drill (which, unless I say otherwise, you can assume is bad) and naps (you’ll never hear me say otherwise), room service is the only “bad” thing I can think of. So I’m saving my creativity for potty training and filing room service under “bad.”
Prof. Cruise, grandma, and I don’t all agree on much, but we do agree that room service was a big disappointment. Our reason for that assessment is different (naturally). Prof. Cruise and grandma were very underwhelmed by the new room service menu which removed their favorite two sandwiches (the mushroom veggie one and the shrimp salad) along with a few others and replaced them with a bunch of pay items of no interest.
They weren’t surprised by the new menu as the initial blow was delivered on the Pride in July, but opening the menu and seeing pay-to-order fries where their favorite sandwich used to be still stung. Me? I was mad because I placed an order of grilled cheese, PB&J, cookies, chocolate cake, and cheesecake (proof that there are still some excellent free items on the room service menu) only to discover that mom had unplugged the phone. I’m sure that had nothing to do with the surprise $835 room service bill on the Pride.
Anyway, here’s the room service menu:
Prof. Cruise and I disagree here too. I would refer you back to that red-faced photo of Prof. Cruise post-workout. Prof. Cruise on the other hand would say this (from Prof. Cruise): little tip, if you don’t want learn 65 new wrestling moves while soaking wet from a spilled drink after exhausting every single trick you’ve got (including alcohol for the both of you) while getting regular dirty looks from fellow passengers for a solid hour on your flight home, maybe don’t be so blasé about enforcing regular naps. Not that I learned that one the hard way or anything.
H here. Prof. Cruise exaggerates. It was more like 58 minutes.
Now…
Prof. Cruise has finally shown up for class and I need a snack, so I’m going to turn things over to her for this section
Prof. Cruise here. On the morning of our first sea day, H woke up early, just as the sun was rising. There was eagerness in his little voice as he called for me –he was on the big boat, after all. I grumbled a bit to myself at having to get up so early, but tried to match his excitement as I grabbed a robe and some warm socks, scooped him up in his soft PJ’s, and snuck out on the balcony while grandma slept.
We watched the sunrise and we talked. He asked me weighty questions like, “why do the waves look white” and I tried my best to answer them; we found a dinosaur in the clouds; spotted another ship way out on the horizon and wondered why it looked so small and still; we made buns to keep our hair from blowing in our eyes; snuggled up under the robe to keep warm. And I thought to myself, “if this moment were it, the only one I ever had, it would be enough.” And at the same time I never wanted to let it go.
As I held H close, I thought about the Syrian family who boarded a boat with their little guy, not for an escape from the relatively minor stresses of a privileged American life, but because it was all they could do. All they could do to save him. And in the end, they lost him anyway. Their “H.” And they and the whole world watched as his perfect little body, in his tiny sneakers, washed up on shore — never to run or play or get up early to watch the sunrise again.
I wondered how I would ever explain war and hate and injustice to H and wished I would never have to. But mostly I was reminded that, despite the trauma and pain and loss I’ve suffered in my own life and even though mommying a toddler is sometimes more tantrums and time outs (and miserable flights) than orange sherbet and high fives, I am profoundly lucky. And that, today and every day, is the good.
And these too, of course:
Now, passing the mic back to H to deliver the BIG PRIZE – his review of American Table/Feast with sample menus and food porn, showing far more than elbows this time. Time to crank up the music and lock yourself in the bathroom with a towel (if you’re offended by that bit of innuendo, I apologize, and may I also suggest you avoid the comedy club).
My final word on the American Table and American Feast (menus in the MDR) is coming. But first, a word about our MDR wait staff. They were faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Plus they made napkin animals. Their names were Ricardo, I Made, and Anthony and it was evident, because they told us so, but also because they were able to anticipate my every need, that they had children.
I’m sure they could arrange for a long, drawn out meal for you, but if you have an antsy toddler (or Prof. Cruise) or are in a rush to snag a prime show seat, e-mail the maître d’ in advance or visit on embarkation day and beg, bribe, sell your soul, anything it takes to get in their section. BTW, Prof. Cruise e-mailed in advance requesting a private booth and was kindly accommodated. Learn more about requesting a private table in the MDR for each Carnival ship here.
Here’s how dinner went each night. The SECOND my bum (I know it’s adorable, but for the love, resist pinching it) hit the bench, before I even had the chance to stick my fingers in the butter, we were presented with menus and our water glasses were filled. Our team watched for the signal that we were ready and immediately took our order. Mine was always some combination of ice cream soup, noodles, pizza, PB&J, cheese plate, cookies, and sherbet/ice cream.
Then I went for the butter (after the first two nights Prof. Cruise and grandma learned to grab themselves a serving before 10% of it ended up in my mouth and the rest on my hands and face). Five minutes later all my food – they always brought out everything I ordered except dessert first and all at once – and Prof. Cruise and grandma’s first courses arrived. Before mom and grandma could even fully swallow their last bite, BAM, dishes were cleared and main courses arrived. Then dessert menus.
They would generally stand off to the side (probably taking bets on how many Prof. Cruise would order tonight) while we decided, rush over to take our order – orange sherbet, please – and before Prof. Cruise could even feel guilty for ordering 2 of everything, BAM dessert arrived. We were outta there in under an hour – and usually closer to 45 minutes – every single night and, instead of opting out of the MDR in favor of anywhere I wasn’t, several of our fellow MDR patrons commented on how wonderfully behaved I was. Prof. Cruise thanked them and uttered under her breath: “if you only knew.”
The only downside to such an efficient wait staff? We nearly always missed SHOW TIME — I only got to swing my napkin around and shove Prof. Cruise aside to show off my awesome dance moves, twice. Our team made up for it with high-fives and napkin animals (seriously, they were sooooo nice to me) though.
Now, after forcing you to read 27 pages of drivel, my thoughts on American Table/Feast. Keep in mind my doctor delivered me over the internet and they don’t even have a name for my generation yet, I’m so new. So those of you a bit more, how do I say this kindly… Old as balls? How’s that? No. Traditional? A little better, but not quite. Seasoned? Okay. …might have a different impression. But I LOVED it (you’re not allowed to blast me, I’m just a kid)! Seriously, everything about it.
Let’s talk about what had changed. The first thing I noticed was the table set-up. There’s one for “literally anything goes” nights, I mean “cruise casual” nights, and one for “almost anything goes” nights, I mean “elegant nights.” Here’s a photo of each:
I loved that there was a difference between them – it made elegant nights feel more special. The casual set-up was clean and modern and the elegant one was, well, elegant. I also loved that there were no charger plates. A charger is for your phone and gaming device – not to take up a bunch of space, waste water, and create unnecessary work for the wait staff and kitchen crew.
On casual nights there would be a basket of different delicious breads placed on the table (easier access to carbs is always a good thing in my book), a butter dish, and a water carafe (we never had to use it—our wait staff always filled up our waters quickly, but it was there as backup). Some have complained about lack of space on the table with the carafe, bread, glasses, decorative wine bottle (which holds the table number), centerpiece (varied, but ours was usually a silver shell), and the square bread plates, but we didn’t find that to be the case at all (keep in mind we were 3 people in a booth, so it might be tighter at a full table) – actually there seemed to be more room than with the old set-up.
On elegant night there were white table clothes and the bread and water were delivered old-school (which, again, made it feel special). So, for table set-up, I give American Table/Feast an enthusiastic fist bump.
The second thing you’ll notice are the new menus. “American Table” menus are for casual nights and “American Feast” menus are for elegant nights. I found them a great combination of old favorites and fun, yummy new things to try and Prof. Cruise, grandma, and I agree (say, what?) that we didn’t order a single thing we wouldn’t order again (we’d more likely order 3 of them next time). Because we really liked everything, I’ll be presenting photos of what we ordered each day with labels, but minimal commentary unless there is something particularly noteworthy (you’re probably not even reading this right now…just get to the photos already!). Feel free to ask any questions in the comments section, though.
Shrimp Cocktail
Orange and Grapefruit Fillets
Strawberry Bisque
Vegetable Lasagna
Mahi Mahi
Spaghetti and Tomato Sauce
Carnival Melting Chocolate Cake
New name, same deliciousness.
Nutella Tiramisu
Warm Date and Fig Pudding
And finally, Orange Sherbet
My compliments to the chef!
Sunday was elegant night. If you’re thinking, “that kid’s mom has no class,” you couldn’t be more right. Luckily, I do my own shopping. Here I am rockin’ my tux on elegant night:
Baby Spinach Salad
Root Vegetables in a Pie Crust
Broiled Maine Lobster Tail
Our wait staff brought grandma a second one of these without her even asking. See why we loved them?
Indian Vegetarian
Tropical Fruit Plate
Vanilla Creme Brulee
Coffee Creme Cake
Peach Soup
Red Beet Carpaccio
Grilled Tofu Steaks
I was a little surprised to see that this made the cut. Seriously who wrote in and was like, “please, I beg you, keep the tofu on the new menus!”
Salmon Cake with a Baked Potato
They serve the potato plain, but come around with a tray of sour cream and bacon from which they will top your potato (I guess that’s the MDR equivalent of the bacon police).
Side of Creamed Spinach
This was a favorite – we ordered it many times.
Sticky Toffee Brioche
Prof. Cruise’s favorite dessert of the whole cruise.
Smores Parfait
Mango Cream Cake
They didn’t have a labeled “low sugar/calorie” option every night, but when they did grandma usually ordered it.
Caribbean Bouillabaisse
It took a few dozen tries to spell that right.
Crisp Portobello Mushrooms
Pork Chop
I wish grandma had ordered this every night. It’s easy to spell!
Coconut Lime Cake
Passion Fruit Flan
Strawberry Almond Financier
If you’re wondering what the heck that is, so were we. Here, it’s this:
Iced Bing Cherry Soup
Lobster Bisque
Flatbread
Baked Phyllo Pouches
Seafood Newburg
Cookies with a side of PB&J
Orange Rosemary Cake
Our least favorite dessert, but it wasn’t horrible.
Double Roasted Pineapple
Bitter and Blanc
Asparagus Vichyssoise
What is this Celebrity? What are the chances anyone on Carnival is going to know what that is? I’ll tell you what it doesn’t taste like: ice cream
Mixed Greens with Honey Mustard Dressing
Roasted Pumpkin Soup
Corn, Chili, Quinoa, Baked Tomato
Salmon Fillet
Buttered Popcorn Pot de Creme
Tasted sort of like caramel custard with caramel corn on top.
Chocolate Panna Cotta
Cheese Plate
Friday was the second elegant night.
Stuffed Mushrooms
Caribbean Pepper Pot
Fusilli Mushroom Cream
This was Prof. Cruise’s favorite entree. Seems an odd choice for elegant night, but maybe get one as a side for the table to share – it’s so good!
Grilled Jumbo Shrimp
Order more than one if you have a large appetite.
Grand Marnier Souffle
One of Prof. Cruise’s favorites!
Banana White Chocolate Bread Pudding
A new favorite!
Key Lime Mousse
Only one more night to go. I’m feeling depressed all over again.
Mango Cream
Good, the “ice cream” soups are back!
Steamed Mussels
Ricotta Ravioli
And for the last entree:
Prime Rib!
Oven Roasted Apple
Why did I pick this one to end with? Anything that looks this much like a piece of fruit should not be considered a dessert, in my opinion.
Here’s a sample of Carnival’s American Table and American Feast menus.
American Table Menus, Day 3
American Feast Menus, second elegant night
On our last evening in the MDR we waited for “show time” because, even though it’s corny and even feels a bit condescending (I’m not sure if that’s the right word, I’m 3, but you know what I mean, right?) to the wait staff, hearing the “Fun Ship” version of “Leaving on a Jet Plane” has become part of the ritual we love (or at least love to hate – last night and all) about cruising.
And when they sang, “you’re leaving from our fun ship, we hope to see you back again,” we knew that, even though our next 2 cruises were on NCL, we’d be back on a Fun Ship very soon. For sherbet and cheese, for high fives, for towel animals, for new friends, for the kindness of strangers (especially the staff – who work so hard to make us feel like family even when they’re so far away from theirs), for the Truffula Tree Pancakes, for the beaches, for the shows, for the peaceful sound of the water, for the rainbows and sunrises, for the free drink coupons (finally), for my talks with Prof. Cruise out on the balcony, for a week with no naps, for the great value.
And for the chance to reflect on and re-live our vacation again through these lectures and to reconnect with and make new “virtual” friends. Thank you all for sailing along with me. And may the next big prize you win be Ed McMahon knocking on your door.
Well it’s good I Googled how to spell “Ed McMahon.” Seems he’s been dead since 2009 – I guess you wouldn’t want him knocking around your house after all. Instead, I’ll just wish you a happy day and hope the Fun Ship “sees you back again!”
Class Dismissed.
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