Breaking Cruise News: Royal Caribbean Vows to Break Carnival’s 100M Passenger Record in Single Day with New Ship Class (satire)

Carnival Becomes the First Cruise Line to Embark 100 Million Passengers

On March 16, 2023, Carnival President Christine Duffy announced that Carnival has become the first cruise line to embark 100 million passengers on the line’s signature “Fun Ships,” proving once and for all that quantity is more important than quality. The milestone announcement took place onboard the Sunshine where the 100 millionth guest, Debi Clifford of Ohio, boarded with her family. The ceremony wasn’t without a bit of drama though, as a collapsible travel dolly rolling the 99,999,999th guest’s 24-pack of Dr Pepper up the gangway was mistaken for a person and showered in balloons and confetti upon crossing the threshold. Embarkation was halted for nearly two hours as the balloons were re-netted and assembled crew frantically swept up and pried confetti out of the hands of toddlers.

Royal Caribbean Steals the Limelight from Carnival with Stunning Announcement

Seconds before Dr. Pepper was cruelly stripped of his crown due to a counting error, Michael Bayley, president and CEO of Royal Caribbean, announced from an observation platform on the famed Tokyo Tower in Japan, the line’s next ship class: the Cities Class. He said:

“While we congratulate our closest rival, Carnival, on achieving 100 million passengers, once the five planned ships in our new “Cities Class” are deployed, we’ll have the capacity to welcome 100 million guests onboard in a single day.

He went on to say:

“We’ll be modeling these new ships after some of the largest cities in the world, with passenger capacities to match their metro populations. The first ship in the class, The Toyko of the Seas, will accommodate 37,000,000 guests at full capacity each sailing.”

When asked by a reporter for the reasoning behind these new super mega ships that are quite literally “cities at sea,” he answered:

“The impetus behind this decision was fourfold. First, it’s clear that the future of cruising is bigger. And bigger. And bigger. We’ll continue to go bigger until the weight of our ships displaces so much ocean water that the real Tokyo is ten feet under the Pacific and would be lost to history were it not for our floating replica. Second, we’d like to expand on the ‘neighborhood’ concept so popular on our Oasis and Icon class ships. Accommodations and services onboard will range from luxury apartment suites and upscale dining, shopping, and pampering venues modeled after those in Tokyo’s highly coveted Hiroo neighborhood to closet-sized dormitory style cabins with bunks lining the walls similar to those common in the San’ya neighborhood of Tokyo circa 1960. We’re still working out the details, but those joining us in the San’ya neighborhood will likely be required to tan leather for 18 hours per day and receive their meals at an authentic Catholic mission. Third, we understand that a large portion of our American guests don’t trust the government enough to apply for a passport and we don’t think that should prevent them from seeing the world. So if they can’t take a cruise to Tokyo for lack of the required travel documents, we’ll bring Tokyo to them via a 7-night closed-loop Caribbean itinerary just a short drive from their home in Florida! And finally, since the president of Carnival is a woman, I can’t literally kick her ass. But this is the next best thing!”

Bayley answered one final question before bungee jumping off the tower into a temporary “ocean” below to the cheers and cameras of thousands of invited social media influencers (Prof. Cruise, the esteemed author of this hard hitting news piece, would like to note, without a hint of bitterness, that, as usual, she wasn’t invited):

“Mr. Bayley, is there anything else you hope to accomplish during your reign as president of Royal Caribbean?”

“The only thing left to do, really. Lure Captain Kate away from Celebrity. I’m fairly certain once she learns how many cat cafe’s there are in Japan, she’ll be signing on the dotted line and shopping for a cat-sized kimono to keep her famous feline companion, ‘Bug Naked,’ warm in his new home onboard the Tokyo of the Seas!”

And with that…

Class Dismissed.

Homework (10 points): Go HERE for more cruise comedy and satire. Then answer one of these two questions in the comments: Are you one of the 100 million passengers who has cruised on Carnival? Is bigger always better when it comes to cruise ships?

Also, don’t forget to subscribe to the blog (scroll up to the top right if on a computer or keep scrolling down if on a mobile device) and follow Prof. Cruise on your favorite social media sites:

Pinterest

Twitter (@cruiseprof)

Instagram (@profcruise)

Facebook

TikTok (profcruise)

YouTube