A Carnival Cruise to Grand Turk: Bringing Together the Left and Right

“H” here, Prof. Cruise’s T.A. and resident expert on Grand Turk.  I mean, I’m only six and I’ve already been to Grand Turk three times. 

Grand Turk for Those on the Left

My first time in Grand Turk on the Carnival Freedom went like this:

I climbed down a mooring line attached to my balcony as the Captain was pulling into port, ran at “H” speed down the pier and through the shop, turned LEFT toward the beach, found the first lounger in the shade for my vampire (Prof. Cruise) and backpack, unloaded my bucket and shovel, plopped myself down near the water, and didn’t move more than three feet in any direction until it was time to get back on my “big boat” for a lunch of cheese and sherbet.

It was awesome, albeit crowded with two ships in port and nearly everyone turning LEFT to try to get a photo with me. Especially Prof. Cruise.  From the second I yelled my first yell she’s been chasing me around with the camera – thinks she’s Ann Geddes.  So naturally she was obsessed with getting the perfect beach shot of me.

Please don’t awww at those, we don’t want to encourage her. 

I am pretty cute though, right? But here’s what else you’ll see to the left:

Also these horses:

Now when your wife calls you a “horse’s ass,” you’ll know it’s not as bad as her tone would suggest.  Although maybe horse asses on tropical island paradises are inherently less offensive.  You better apologize just in case.

Grand Turk for Those on the Right

The next time I visited Grand Turk, after disembarking the Pride, I followed a similar sequence of events, only upon exiting the shop, I turned RIGHT. I expected a huge throng of fans to follow behind me, but they never came. While it was a bit of a blow to my ego, I enjoyed a brief reprieve from the celebrity life even though I still had momparazzi trying to get a photo of me without makeup.

Anyway, turning RIGHT scores you a huge selection of vampire (Prof. Cruise) friendly loungers, a smaller but nearly private beach area, a giant whale with a rope around it that you can swing on and then sneak under to ride Shamu, a chess board (I consider myself a genius who happens to play chess. Bobby Fisher said that originally, but it applies equally well to H), and a graveyard.  For conch shells.

Grand Turk for Those in the Middle

If you’re the type who will share a drink with anyone, regardless of their political affiliation, let me suggest you stay straight-ish and head for Margaritaville.

No Losers on Grand Turk (Except Maybe Prof. Cruise)

What else can I say about Grand Turk, other than it requires no navigational skills and as such, is the prefect port for Prof. Cruise.  Turn right, great!  Turn left, great!  Stay straight, booze.  Great! 

Once you decide whether to turn left (for larger crowds, but better conditions for swimming) or right (for almost no crowds and pretty good odds of finding a giant conch shell, but rockier beach conditions) or stay straight-ish (for a mammoth free pool and equally impressive boozes), it’s pretty much full proof.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” –Dr. Seuss

Class dismissed.